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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23881267">Once Upon a Time, I Was Yours and You Were Mine.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/OftenEvening/pseuds/OftenEvening'>OftenEvening</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>ATEEZ (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Soulmates, And a little bit more..., Attraction, Author Mingi, Fate &amp; Destiny, Implied Sexual Content, Kissing, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, My Soulmate is Difficult, Near Future, OST Singer Yeosang, POV Multiple, Parallel Universe, Photography student Wooyoung, References to sex and sexual content, San is persistent, Sexting, Sexual Tension, Some Swearing, Songwriter San, Texting, Thematic elements of a certain fairy tale but not saying which :), Trust Issues, When your ex is your soulmate, other idols may appear in small parts, sansang, small parts for O.C.s</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 14:57:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>64,584</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23881267</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/OftenEvening/pseuds/OftenEvening</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>How can your ex become your soulmate?<br/>It all depends on timing.</p><p>What do you do if your now-soulmate wants nothing to do with you? Is there any way to change his mind?<br/>It depends on if you caught your reluctant soulmate’s slip-up, that sliver of hope.....it depends on what lengths you’re willing to go to.....it depends on how determined you are. </p><p>It helps a little when Fate is on your side.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Choi San &amp; Jung Wooyoung, Choi San/Kang Yeosang, Jung Wooyoung &amp; Kang Yeosang, Kang Yeosang &amp; Song Mingi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>164</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>156</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Summer 2022.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Parallel universe because too many details I needed to change (like how audiobooks aren’t really popular in Korea from the research I did, and also I felt weird messing with a real country’s laws).</p><p>Hongjoong and Jongho only mentioned in this fic, but their roles are pivotal. </p><p>Contact names are as saved in each person's phone. I'll list them as needed in beginning notes of each chapter. But for each POV, instead of "Me," you have ChoiS and KangYS, for example, to help make it clearer. </p><p>In this chapter: Yeosang has Wooyoung saved as MoreThanYouKnow, and Seonghwa saved as Hyung.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>San</p><p>San stood outside the door of the recording studio. Maybe he shouldn’t have come. He didn’t really have any right to be here, except Hongjoong-hyung’s internship had been with this studio, and he’d arranged for the team to allow San to slip in and watch them record the song he had written. It wasn’t a group in the booth beyond the door, just a single person. A person who was only slightly famous, and mostly for his audiobook recordings and voiceover work. And his third OST, which had been filmed and spliced with its drama for a music video. When people saw how good-looking he was, he gained followers. San doubted that made the singer happy, but he supposed it was part of the business. He glanced at his watch. They’d be starting soon. He didn’t want to be late and rude, but he didn’t want the singer to see him.</p><p>No. That wasn’t true. He would give almost anything to have the singer look at him. Six years since he’d last spoken to him, waving goodbye, then running home to lock himself in his bedroom and cry the rest of the day. But six years was a long time. He’d lost track of him, actually, until trending search terms showed his name one day. He’d clicked through, and felt dumbstruck. How was an audiobook on Korean military history popular enough to trend? He’d searched for a sample clip—and understood. Daily vocal lessons since childhood, his regular volunteering to read books at libraries, and, of course, those specialty lessons. Those lessons which had sent him away from their hometown to a different school, and a vocal coach other than his own mother. His voice was warm, enticing, and soothing. It was deeper, too, but he was older, that was natural.</p><p>He took a deep breath, opened the door, crept in, and silently shut it behind him. A head turned toward him, one of the technicians. He held up his visitor badge and got a smile in return. He was waved to a short bank of couches. Only when he was seated did he relax. Disappointment and relief filled him. From where he sat, he could see the singer warming up, but the singer could not see him. Or, well, he could, if he twisted around, but he was so focused in the booth, looking at the lyrics he, San, had written. His name was on there. It wasn’t a common name. Had the singer noticed? Did he remember?</p><p>“Ready?”</p><p>“Ready.”</p><p>The session began, and San was lost. His singing voice was richer now. His range was wider. Everything he had poured into the lyrics came back, tenfold. A love song. Sung by him.</p><p>“Let’s try it again. A little gentler with the end of the chorus, on the words ‘my love’.”</p><p>“I understand.”</p><p>It was beautiful. He had no idea how much of the song would be used in the drama adaptation, but even half the song—he knew people would want to hear it all. What he’d written was good, maybe his best song yet, but hearing it sung like this, the hope and reassurance and devotion was pulling him in. Wouldn’t it make any listener think of the best parts of love? The singer’s eyes were half-closed. Did he like it?</p><p>All too soon, it was over. And somehow, suddenly, he was standing in front of him.</p><p>“Kang Yeosang-ssi, I’d like to introduce you to the writer of the song, Choi San-ssi.”</p><p>Yeosang bowed to him. Weird. He guessed they weren’t supposed to know each other. Awkwardly, he returned the acknowledgment.</p><p>“It’s a beautiful song, Choi San-ssi. I hope you continue to receive recognition.” He turned to the technician. “Do you have all you need? For the soundtrack?”</p><p>“Oh, yes! You’re all done here.” With a cheerful smile, the older man returned to his seat.</p><p>“Good,” he muttered, the smile dropping off his face. “Here.” He thrust the papers of lyrics at San.</p><p>“What—”</p><p>“I don’t want them.” He kept his voice low. “You were selected. It’s a good song. But I don’t want to keep anything that has your name attached to it.”</p><p>“Yeosang—”</p><p>“Take. Them. Now. I have other places to be.”</p><p>What was going on? Why was he so irritated? He supposed he’d never know. With a slight sigh, he took the papers. He might as well leave, too. At least he had better manners, he thought to himself in irritation, holding the door open for the other. Yeosang raised an eyebrow and passed by.</p><p>“Watch out!” came a yelp from the hall. San looked quickly toward the voice, seeing a young man sprinting after a heavy cart of supplies zipping down the corridor. Immediately, he grabbed Yeosang and pulled him back into the room, the door slamming shut as the cart banged against it. The technicians had leapt up in surprise.</p><p>“Runaway cart,” San said dryly.</p><p>“Oh,” said the tech. “Interns. Always overestimating their own strength. Pack everything on, to make fewer trips. Then they break shit. Not my department, though.” The producers settled back down.</p><p>“Let go of me.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Yeosang huffed out an exasperated breath and plucked San’s hand off his shoulder. At the skin contact, they both froze. “Oh, hell, no.” He shoved the door open and strode into the hallway.</p><p>Heart suddenly racing, San stumbled after him.</p><p>“Stop. Stop! Yeosang, please!”</p><p>He whipped around and glared at him. “No. Not you. I refuse.”</p><p>“It doesn’t...,” he shook his head, trying to clear his mind, trying to think of <em>words</em>, but he’d never expected <em>this</em>.</p><p>“It doesn’t work that way? Of course, it can. Most people are so delighted, they never think of refusing. But no one <em>has </em>to walk this pre-determined path. And I don’t want to. Find someone you like, San-ssi, who likes you back. It’s what most people do anyway.”</p><p>In disbelief, San fell back against a wall and watched as Yeosang walked quickly away, out of sight. He took several calming breaths. <em>How</em> could this happen? Seven years ago…no, they’d been underage. It didn’t work with minors. The sheer odds, though. That it would be <em>Yeosang</em>? He shoved off from the wall and paced down the hallway, let himself out of the building, and looked around. Bus stop. Good as any. He jogged over just as the latest bus pulled up, climbed in and paid his fare. The route wasn’t relevant. He just needed to stop and be still. He sat down and stared out the windows. How…how was this even possible? Yeosang had always been reluctant to share personal information, but wouldn’t he tell his friends this? No. Maybe not.</p><p>This wasn’t fair. To find your soulmate! And then to be rejected like that. What had made him so bitter? He had a right to know, didn’t he? It was his future, too, being torn apart. He had never heard of a refusal, but Yeosang wouldn’t make up that big of a lie. Why wouldn’t he even let him talk? Why couldn’t they just talk? Maybe he could help? This wasn’t a simple thing. This was cutting off destiny and fate—soulmates were supposed to be the absolute best matches. And not everyone got so lucky to find theirs. What was he supposed to do? Just accept this—without knowing why? He had to know why.</p><p>He pulled out his cell phone.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Wooyoung, I have a…problem.<br/>
Yeosang saw me at the OST recording and…<br/>
we accidentally touched hands and…we’re…<br/>
I’m having difficulty saying this, because it is so unreal…<br/>
we’re soulmates.<br/>
He was so <em>angry</em>.<br/>
What happened, Wooyoung? When did he become like this?</p><p>Yeosang</p><p>Yeosang stared at his ceiling. His life’s philosophy was simple: never assume anything will last. So you work hard, and you try not to expect too much from people. He couldn’t stop himself from extending some trust—it went against how he’d been raised, how he used to be—but he could make damn certain that when they broke that trust, he was able to accept the loss. It never hurt as much if you were prepared for it. Every relationship, every interaction, every business deal had an endpoint—you just didn’t always know <em>when</em>.</p><p>A knock on the door jolted him out of his thoughts. He leapt up and ran to the door, flipping open the locks and yanking it open. He sighed a little, shoulders dropping in relief.</p><p>“Thank God it’s just you.”</p><p>Mingi gave him a puzzled look as he walked in, pushing his shoes onto the mat, as the door swung closed behind him. Yeosang retreated to the couch.</p><p>“Just me?”</p><p>“Yeah. I wouldn’t put it past him to call my house and get my current address. Just show up. Like he has any right.”</p><p>“He? Why am I repeating myself? What’s wrong?” Mingi sat down next to him, frowning.</p><p>“He. Him. Soulmate. He’s not going to just take no like a well-mannered person. Oh, no. I’m going to have to <em>explain</em> it.”</p><p>“Wait. Today was the OST recording.”</p><p>“Mm-hm.”</p><p>“And you met your soulmate there?”</p><p>“Unfortunately.”</p><p>“I…not to question your judgment, but…why it is unfortunate?”</p><p>“Because he’s my high school ex. The reason I left my hometown. The person I never wanted to see ever again. Destiny has a bitchy sense of humor.”</p><p>Mingi’s jaw fell open.</p><p>“I guess I would have reacted like that if I hadn’t been so furious. I got over the betrayal and misery shit. Still want nothing to do with him. Soulmate or not.” He shook his head. “Are you and your mother almost done with revisions? Ready to send it to press? Can I put my name in the hat for a chance at narrating?” He grinned.</p><p>“I feel like I should do a character study of you. For a future novel! You just went from rage to charm in less than 20 seconds. How do you do that? Just turn emotions on and off?”</p><p>“Training,” Yeosang said shortly. “And practice.”</p><p>“But—.” He stopped at the cold look on the other’s face. “I’ll just take this moment to congratulate myself on learning when <em>not</em> to continue talking. Thank you, teacher.”</p><p>"Uh-huh."</p><p>“Revisions are almost done. Editor still has to give it a final pass, but…publication date will be set soon. And please. Like you have any competition. You narrated the first book, it’s now a series, and as my mother always says…,” he paused, waiting.</p><p>“Continuity is crucial,” Yeosang said with him, laughing. “I know, I know…just never want to take anything for granted. Thank you. I’m looking forward to it.”</p><p>“The paycheck or the read?”</p><p>“You wound me.”</p><p>“Right,” Mingi drawled. “Can we get back to the soulmate I might have to fight?”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“I’m curious.”</p><p>“Don’t care.”</p><p>“If I know, I might be able to help.”</p><p>“Don’t see how.”</p><p>“Someone on your side who knows is usually of <em>some</em> help…,” he trailed off.</p><p>“You sound like your mother.”</p><p>“I’ll take that as a compliment! So? I mean, at the least, help me be less confused? How can your ex become your soulmate? Wouldn’t you have known?”</p><p>“I said high school ex.”</p><p>“Oh, right. Doesn’t kick in ‘til adulthood. Super weird, though.”</p><p>“Mm. Wouldn’t have known it was him, if it weren’t for the fact he wrote the song I was recording for an OST for the drama adapted from the book you and your mother co-wrote—”</p><p>“Which you narrated. That’s too many coincidences.”</p><p>“Heavy hand of fate.”</p><p>“Did you know? That he wrote it? It was on the sheets, right?”</p><p>“I knew. Choi San. But I’m paid to sing what they give me, not decide if I want to or not.”</p><p>“Choi San?” Mingi jerked upright from his lounging position.</p><p>“Why do you say it like that?” Yeosang asked warily.</p><p>“I, uh, follow him on YouTube. Don’t make a gagging noise! He’s got a pretty voice. He writes good songs. His range is different from yours, so I wouldn’t have expected…but he likes to experiment with concepts and—”</p><p>“Okay. You sit here and recite his praises. I’ll go to my room and respond to e-mails. Let yourself out when you’re done listening to the echoes of your voice.”</p><p>“No! I’m sorry! But you asked why I said his name like that!”</p><p>“You could’ve just said you’re a subscriber to his channel. Has anything I’ve said since you arrived indicated I have any desire to hear him praised?”</p><p>“Uh, no. I’m sorry, teacher, I’m still learning.”</p><p>Yeosang eyed him suspiciously. “I wish you’d quit calling me that.”</p><p>“It's funny! But okay. No more praising. Minimal responses. I got it. Continue? Please?”</p><p>He ran a hand through his hair. “Fine. I won’t repeat anything. And you interrupt again, we’re done.”</p><p>Mingi nodded eagerly.</p><p>“You’re more invested than I am. I can see you storing all this to tell your mother to use for a future plot. You better change enough details I don’t sue you…. Where was I? Oh. The OST recording. Somehow he got permission to be there. I guess he wanted to see how it was done by professional producers? Or just hear his song? No clue. Doesn’t matter now. A tech introduced us after, and I politely complimented him. Because business manners. Soon as the tech walked off, I gave him back the papers, said I didn’t want anything belonging to him. He looked confused. Confused! Like it should be surprising. Then somebody was chasing a cart down the hall and he pulled me out of its path—don’t say it! I’ll give him credit for having some instinctive humanity. He didn’t let me go right away so I had to grab his hand off my shoulder, and, well….” He shrugged. “We both knew. He tried to talk, I shut him down, told him I would never accept him—what is it with people being illogical about soulmates and heightened emotions? As if every soulmate pair winds up together. But I know him. He won’t get it. He won’t want to accept it. So, yeah, I half-expected it to be him at my door. Instead of you. Glad it was you. Less stressful.”</p><p>“That’s way too many coincidences.”</p><p>“Obnoxious ones.”</p><p>“There could be more.”</p><p>“It wouldn’t surprise me. Presently not in the mood to sugarcoat anything, so let’s just hope nothing more happens <em>today</em>.”</p><p>Both their phones began vibrating. Yeosang made no move towards his.</p><p>“Really? It’s both our phones. That’s impossible.” Mingi rolled his eyes and dug out his phone. Read for a minute. “Um. So. I take back the word impossible.”</p><p>“No way.” Yeosang snatched his phone from the side table.</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
Hey! So, remember when Yeosangie introduced Mingi to us?<br/>
I mean, he told us first, said we’d love him. We trust him so we said sure!<br/>
Me and hyung, I mean.<br/>
We do love you, Mingi!<br/>
So, trust me?<br/>
You’ll love these two friends of mine.<br/>
From university.<br/>
Yeosang never met them there because enlistment.<br/>
And him being only part-time now but anyway!<br/>
Going to create a new chat with them added in.<br/>
Hyung, they’re so nice.<br/>
Yeosang, uh, knows one and can vouch for him.<br/>
Choi San.<br/>
Right, Yeosangie?<br/>
He’s a good guy!</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Fuck off, Jung Wooyoung.</p><p>
  <strong>Hyung:</strong><br/>
Yeosang!</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
No, hyung. The way he said all that?<br/>
Wooyoung <em>knows</em>. How long have you known?<br/>
Everything? From <em>his</em> side.<br/>
And kept it a secret.<br/>
Fuck you.<br/>
Create your new group chat.<br/>
Don’t expect me to participate.<br/>
And don’t expect much from me, in this one, either.</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
Yeosangie. Please.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
No. I thought it’d be longer with you.<br/>
Hoped it would be.<br/>
But the day had to come.<br/>
Which, fine, I accept. Like I always do.<br/>
But you kept secrets, Jung Wooyoung-ssi.<br/>
That makes it so much worse.</p><p>Yeosang turned off his phone and tossed it onto the couch beside him, his eyes stormy.</p><p>Mingi looked at him with unease, then glanced back at the constantly vibrating phone in his hand.</p><p>“Yeosang? Wooyoung’s freaking out. And Seonghwa-hyung is asking questions.”</p><p>“Wooyoung seems to know enough. He can explain to hyung. The two of them share an apartment.”</p><p>“If you don’t respond, one or both might show up here. Like you thought…San would. And since he knows Wooyoung, he could get your address—no, you know, I’m going to step in just a tiny bit because you look murderous right now.” He hastily tapped in a message, waited to read the responses, then shoved his phone back into his pocket. “I said I was with you. And suggested to Seonghwa-hyung he go ask Wooyoung why you’d react like that. So that’s a break….”</p><p>“Good. Thank you. Soulmates. With him. And Wooyoung…well. I knew it was coming. The day always does. That it had to be today—of course it had to be today.”</p><p>“Um,” Mingi swallowed. “Was that you dropping Wooyoung permanently?”</p><p>“Probably. Can’t see him accepting a change to acquaintance status.”</p><p>“You’ve known him for years. And, um, me for not anywhere near as long.”</p><p>“Oh. No. Mingi.” Yeosang’s expression softened immediately, and he patted the other’s hand. “Don’t worry.”</p><p>“How am I not supposed to worry?” he fretted.</p><p>Yeosang sighed.</p><p>“I’m angry at Wooyoung for the deception. And his obvious attempt to manipulate a situation he doesn’t fully understand in favor of San, his apparently secret friend. That’s too much. You wouldn’t do that. So, I wouldn’t get that angry with you. I don’t think you could tell a successful lie if you tried.”</p><p>“I could! I wouldn’t, to you. But I could. If I had to. I’m not helping myself, am I?”</p><p>“Stop being so nervous.” Yeosang rubbed his temples. “There is so much more…nothing you could say or do would come close. He didn’t even ask me for my side.”</p><p>“Your side of—no, sorry. Not prying.”</p><p>Yeosang thought about it. He’d never told anyone the story. If he gave Mingi details, he’d understand nothing he could do would reach Wooyoung’s level of betrayal. But giving him that information…was it wise? He trusted him. He knew he’d back him, right now, not knowing…but if he got cornered by one of the others…Yeosang had drawn him into their circle. Former circle? He owed Mingi enough truth for him to feel less anxious, and for him to know there were grounds for his resistance to San. To anyone.</p><p>“My side. No, it’s okay. You asked. I trust you. I think it’ll help you to know.” He took a slow breath and released it. “San and I dated in late 2015. We were friends before then. My mom’s a vocal coach, you know? He took lessons with her, too. That was the year all those bills were being proposed. Because of soulmates. Ironic, for me, now—but not in general. I don’t know how much you know about how very, very careful we had to be. Not to get caught. I mean, people still get vicious about anything other than a man and a woman, only now the law is technically against them…. Anyway,” he said more briskly, “the day the bills were signed into law, discrimination protection, even marriage equality—never really thought that one would pass, to be honest—San and I met up at this little park. We’d sit there for hours some days. Skipping after school study sessions. Less likely to be seen by classmates.”</p><p>He cleared his throat. “I was really in love with him. Then. So, I was thrilled that day. Not for the marriage part. And I knew people’s attitudes wouldn’t change so much. But progress, you know? For people like the two of us, some protection. Maybe it would mean we could be more open. My parents knew. Pretty sure San’s mother figured it out. Maybe it wouldn’t have changed anything, but the world felt brighter after the news reports. What can I say? I was naïve. I was stupid. Sani—no, San, yeah, he got there. We were just talking. Quietly talking, but happy, not paying as much attention as we usually did. We didn’t notice the person who approached us. His ex-girlfriend. He dropped my hand so fast. I wasn’t…unused to that, but then she started in on, oh, now she knew why he’d broken up with her. How I was prettier than most girls. How we must be so excited that day. Were we planning our wedding already? She was laughing, but kind of nicely? Teasing. So obviously teasing. And she was a nice person. I didn’t feel worried, but I didn’t know what to say. San, though, he leapt in. He, um….” Yeosang blinked rapidly. Thinking about that particular moment still hurt.</p><p>“San said it wasn’t that. Said he wasn’t sure of himself. That’s why he broke up with her. That’s when it started getting confusing. If I could tell she was teasing, why couldn’t he? Some people knew. About us. They ignored it. We didn’t really act differently in public those few months. Alone, um, he had said he felt the same. As me. About me. But that day he said differently. He said it was just high school. He said nothing lasted beyond high school, so why was she going on about marriage? I know how used we were to hiding. But on that day, to hear the boy I…loved, say we were never going to last? Shattered all the trust I had in him. She teased some more and they were laughing and I just stayed silent. When she left, he acted like nothing had changed. Like he hadn’t said what he’d said. Like he hadn’t completely altered how I viewed people.”</p><p>“Yeosang…I….”</p><p>“Almost done, okay? I had an offer to transfer to an arts school in Seoul. I decided to take it, and that’s the reason I gave for us to break up. He was pretty calm. A few months later, he waved me off at the station. I locked away most memories of him, only kept the most important thing I’d learned: never expect anything to last. Food has an expiration date. Can’t tell so precisely with people. But at some point, every relationship one has, shallow or deep, will end. Wooyoung was the first friend I made in Seoul. I trusted him. You can’t have a relationship with anyone without trust. But I knew, some day, he’d break it, or he’d just move on to other friendships. So, I’ve always been ready to let go. Because nothing lasts. I did not see it happening this way. I did not see him being tangled up with the person who taught me that lesson—a valuable one—but who did break my heart. I did not see him lying to me. Usually, I let go more gracefully. Too angry today.”</p><p>They were both quiet for several minutes.</p><p>“Having San be your soulmate seems really twisted.”</p><p>“Doesn’t it just? The whole soulmate concept is basically against everything I believe. I’d reject any, but that it’d be him? No.”</p><p>“How do I—is there any way I can avoid being let go?”</p><p>“Mingi. You might one day decide you don’t want to be around me anymore. And that will be okay. I’ll accept it. For me to <em>push</em> someone away, that takes an awful lot. It’s no different than any friendship ending, just that I don’t fight against it. It’s not as painful when you accept it can always happen. I knew it could happen with Wooyoung. Well. That it would. He has so many interests, and so many friends, and with him being in school, and me having work with different schedules, it isn’t like we see each other that often. I’m sort of surprised it lasted as long as it did.”</p><p>“What about Seonghwa-hyung?”</p><p>“Depends on what he does and says.”</p><p>Mingi looked at the floor.</p><p>“I don’t want to lose you, though. You’re the first person never to judge me, for being best friends with my mom. For working with her. People…say weird things. About that. You never have.”</p><p>“We both have powerful mother figures. You respect yours. I respect mine. I wouldn’t have a career without all those years of vocal training from her. You and your mother make a great co-author team. Though you know she’s about a year away from pushing you to write something yourself, alone?”</p><p>“I know,” Mingi muttered. “But that isn’t my point. You judge me on a lot of things, but not what’s most important. I mean, yeah, I want to get married some day, I know she wants grandkids, but I don’t want that yet.”</p><p>“It’s your life. You get to make your own decisions. Friends should respect that. When they don’t…well, you saw what happens.”</p><p>“But I don’t want that to happen to us!”</p><p>“Mingi-yah.” He smiled. “Nothing in the world is guaranteed. <em>You</em> could meet your soulmate tomorrow and fall so hard you literally hit the floor.”</p><p>The other laughed a little.</p><p>“Between that person and your mother, and then with your writing, your time could be so eaten up, you wouldn’t have time for me. And that’d be okay. You’d be happy. Truly, today is the first time I’ve so…violently reacted like this. Expecting nothing to last doesn’t mean I push for friendships to end. It doesn’t mean I’m happy when they do. It just means I’m always aware it will happen, at some point, so it doesn’t hurt as much. Usually. Today’s been kinda shitty.”</p><p>“So you’re not just gonna drop me tomorrow?”</p><p>“I might smack you upside the head tomorrow if you keep worrying.” Yeosang scrunched his nose. “Don’t. If we’re friends, we’re friends. The expecting thing…that’s really more how I deal with life than an agenda. If you were me, without that belief, and Wooyoung pulled that stunt, what would you do?”</p><p>“Kick his sorry ass to the curb. He didn’t even ask you!”</p><p>“See? No worries. Wanna play a game? Computer, board game, the Switch, you choose.”</p><p>“Yeah. Yeah. Only…what should I do if they start texting me? I don’t want them coming over to bother you.”</p><p>Yeosang smiled at him again. Mingi was a sweetheart.</p><p>“If you’re up for it, you can tell them: Yeosang says if anyone shows up at his door, he’s calling the cops for harassment.”</p><p>“Seriously? Would you?”</p><p>“Today? Absolutely.”</p><p>“Well, okay then! Start with Mario Kart?”</p><p>“Sure. We can do that.”</p><p>He hadn’t lost everything today. He hoped Mingi would stay his friend for a long while. Wooyoung…oh, he could figure out his reasoning. It didn’t come from a bad place. He was a good person. It was his choice whom to befriend. Yeosang couldn’t control that. If it’d been a normal friendship, he’d have mentioned San’s name many times. Yeosang could have warned him…what? To keep them apart? That’s what he’d done. But he’d deliberately kept it a secret.</p><p>He, himself, had gone right to the military after high school. Wooyoung a year later. But they’d both been out a while, long enough he should have mentioned San…but he didn’t. Which meant he’d known, but only one side of the story. That San obviously was close enough to him to tell him about their encounter, and the whole soulmate disaster…he really hadn’t expected <em>that</em>. He hadn’t been prepared for the pain of discovering lies. Years of them. He hadn’t expected Wooyoung to try to shove them together, for what? The benefit of San? Not even thinking about him. He’d picked a side. But nothing ever lasted. He smiled as Mingi handed him the game controller. Nothing.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Note: I know next to nothing about audio books. But....I thought, hm, how could he hear Yeosang's voice.....and thought of those. Did some research, as mentioned above; might have to do more, depending on how the story goes!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Expectations versus Reality.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I listened to "lovely" by Billie Eilish &amp; Khalid quite a few times writing this chapter.</p><p>Re: texts, Yeosang (KangYS) has Seonghwa saved as Hyung.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yeosang</p><p>Morning. Morning was his favorite time of day. Barely remembered dreams fading as consciousness took full control, stretching under the pleasant warmth of a light blanket—the best payment he’d ever made had been to a hypnotist who’d helped him learn to set an internal waking time. Without an alarm blaring at him, mornings were peaceful.</p><p>Most mornings.</p><p>He sat up and reached for his phone. He’d connected it to the charger before falling asleep, but hadn’t turned it on. Today he had appointments, though, and being in a calmer mood, he didn’t feel the same overwhelming need to avoid all contact. He pressed the power button and waited. Mingi hadn’t been kidding about the number of notifications. Anything from yesterday, from the group chat, he didn’t want to read. He swiped to delete. Messages from Wooyoung? He hesitated, then muted notifications and left them unread, for now. One message from Seonghwa, sent late last night. Hm.</p><p>
  <strong>Hyung:</strong>
<br/>
Call me tomorrow.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
How about a text?</p><p>He left the phone on his bed and stood up. Where were his slippers? He’d kicked them off…oh. There. He slid them on and left the room. He had time for a quick, careful shower—avoiding his hair—and then a small meal. Back in his room, he thought about his schedule, and how hot it would be outside. Khakis, light blue button down…he had to look presentable that afternoon.</p><p>He also had to check his phone.</p><p>Once dressed, he reluctantly crossed to his bed and picked it up.</p><p>
  <strong>Hyung:</strong>
<br/>
Why do you get up so early?<br/>
Yeosang?<br/>
Yeosang?<br/>
We need to talk.<br/>
Text me back when you get this.<br/>
Or, as I suggested first, call me.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Texting is better.<br/>
I have an appointment this morning.<br/>
Getting ready to leave now.</p><p>
  <strong>Hyung:</strong>
<br/>
Is it a business appointment?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
For me? No.<br/>
For the person I’m seeing? Yes.</p><p>He pulled up the weather forecast…bright sunshine. At least he wouldn’t have to bring a rain jacket or an umbrella.</p><p>
  <strong>Hyung:</strong>
<br/>
Yeosang…<br/>
We really need to talk.</p><p>He switched to outdoor shoes, and let himself out of his apartment. Why had he agreed to do this in the summer, when it was humid?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Please clarify the “we.”</p><p>He took a deep breath. Today was his favorite day of the week. He wasn’t going to let yesterday’s events ruin it. He walked briskly to the elevator and pressed a button.</p><p>
  <strong>Hyung:</strong>
<br/>
The three of us, of course.<br/>
What Wooyoung did was misguided.<br/>
I can understand your anger.<br/>
He got over-excited at the idea of his two friends…<br/>
being soulmates.<br/>
Were you not going to tell us?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
It didn’t matter, so I saw no purpose in it.</p><p>The elevator doors opened, and with a polite smile to the others inside, Yeosang stepped in. The doors closed and the descent continued. He felt his phone vibrate several more times as he began counting backwards in his head from one hundred. When the elevator finally reached the ground level, he waited for the others to exit, then followed. He paused in the lobby, so much cooler than outdoors, and looked at his phone.</p><p>
  <strong>Hyung:</strong>
<br/>
It didn’t matter?<br/>
“It”?<br/>
Your soulmate?<br/>
You dated him once before.<br/>
Wooyoung explained that.<br/>
How can that not be important?<br/>
That’s another person’s life, tied to yours.<br/>
A person you know, Yeosang.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
A person I knew.<br/>
Past tense.<br/>
I wonder.<br/>
Did Wooyoung withhold information<br/>
from you, too, or is he that unaware?<br/>
I’ve no wish to discuss this further, hyung.<br/>
Especially not today.<br/>
Leave it be. Please.</p><p>Seonghwa wouldn’t, of course. Needing to talk. As if talking did anything but prolong pain. With a small grimace, he muted notifications on their chat, too, and slid his phone into a pocket. Outside, the air was already sticky. He walked four blocks, reminding himself that air conditioning awaited him, and with his appointment’s location so close by, the subway or the bus would have made him feel worse. Nor would they have made any sense.</p><p>Stepping into the salon was a delicious shock, the cold air, the smell of chemicals, the whirring of hairdryers. He’d agreed to this over a month ago. He wasn’t going to back out now, and let the bleaching treatments go to waste. He’d made the appointment, the colorist was expecting him, and she deserved to be paid. He wasn’t going to cancel for personal reasons. Plus…a smile tugged at his lips…he’d promised the kids a surprise.</p><p>San</p><p>“Are you sure this is okay?” San asked worriedly.</p><p>“Yeosang stopped answering my texts hours ago—”</p><p>“At least he responded to you!”</p><p>“Wooyoung, we’re about to enter a library. Don’t yell.”</p><p>The youngest of them pressed his lips together.</p><p>“It’s a library. Anyone can come here,” Seonghwa said reassuringly.</p><p>San raised an eyebrow. Wooyoung had always come over to his place, the apartment he shared with Yunho, or they’d hung out on campus. He gave Seonghwa the respect due an elder, but he was dodging the question.</p><p>A faint flush appeared on the other’s cheeks. “I don’t know anywhere else we can be sure to find him. This is the only regular schedule he keeps. Every Tuesday afternoon, for half an hour.”</p><p>Seonghwa immediately took the lead once they’d passed by the first rows of shelves, guiding them to a back corner, where soft giggles and two speaking voices—no, just one voice, changing pitch and speed—dominated. They drew to a halt outside the children’s area. Wooyoung gasped.</p><p>“He went without me. Hyung, it took ages to persuade him, and he went without me.”</p><p>“That was the appointment he had this morning?”</p><p>“It was. It was and I forgot. After yesterday, I just…forgot.”</p><p>San tilted his head, staring at a quite different Yeosang. They could see him from the side, and if he’d looked over, he would have seen them, but as at the recording studio, his focus was firmly elsewhere. Twenty-something small children were gathered around him, where he sat on a low stool. Whatever he was reading, something with dialogue, had the kids laughing. He looked around the area and saw parents smiling, and a few teenagers whispering to each other, their eyes glued to the reader, and a tall man leaning against a wall, watching Yeosang with amusement and devotion. Was that Mingi? The other friend Wooyoung had mentioned?</p><p>His eyes snapped back to Yeosang, his facial expressions changing with each voice switch, his body relaxed. This was the Yeosang he remembered. Happy. Joyous. Warm. He eased a step forward, and inhaled sharply, finally registering what had immediately caught Wooyoung’s eyes. His <em>hair</em>. It’d been bleached yesterday. He’d assumed that was his general look, but apparently not. Dark silver hair framed his face now. He looked beautiful.</p><p>His hair was longer now. In yesterday’s rush and general upheaval, he hadn’t taken that in. He was so different from the teenager he remembered. He shook his head. Of course, he was different! Six years since he’d left for Seoul, he’d established a career for himself already—they’d all changed.</p><p>Maybe the hair was too long. San swallowed a laugh when Yeosang, for the fifth or sixth time, pushed it back from his face. He heard a tiny giggle behind him from Wooyoung and guessed it was a normal occurrence. Suddenly, a little girl stood up from the crowd, her fingers tugging at her hair. Yeosang paused as she quietly pushed her way through the other kids and with a solemn expression, held out both hands, her hair tie resting in her cupped palms. He laid the book in his lap and gently took the small gift. He smiled at her, and carefully pulled his hair back, as much as he could, before looking at her inquiringly. She nodded. Several strands fell forward as he twisted the rest into a half-ponytail. A sweet, satisfied grin spread across her face, and she sat down next to him. He patted her head, and picked up his book to resume reading.</p><p>San took a shaky breath. He remembered that gentleness, that softness. It clashed with yesterday’s anger, the fierce refusal of <em>him</em> as a soulmate. It didn’t make sense. Tracking him down at the library had seemed an invasion of privacy, but now, seeing so much of the person he remembered…he didn’t care if it was. He had to talk to him. Alone. Find out what—or who—had hurt him. Figure out…if there was any way…any way at all…to get a second chance. Wasn’t fate a little bit on his side?</p><p>Yeosang</p><p>Yeosang tucked the stool away and thanked the librarian again. She shook her head, laughing at him.</p><p>“We’ll see you next week, yes?”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>“Good.” Her eyes crinkled as her smile grew. “I think you have admirers waiting for you.”</p><p>He sighed softly.</p><p>“I wasn’t trying to ignore them,” he murmured, “but paying them attention never helps.”</p><p>“Oh, not the girls. They left in a hurry. The young men.” She gestured to the side, and Yeosang followed her gaze. Seonghwa. Wooyoung. San. Wisps of anger curled inside him. This was his favorite place in the entire city, the closest he had to a sanctuary. Them being here was intrusive.</p><p>He kept his voice level. “People I know from school, that’s all. Two of them have been here once before. I suppose the third was curious.” He made eye contact with Mingi and jerked his head towards the others. His friend’s eyes widened, but he stayed where he was, near the back wall.</p><p>She gave him a doubtful look, but he smiled and bowed to her. She bowed her head in response, and returned to her desk.</p><p>He walked briskly towards Mingi—the only close friend he had left—and pulled him farther back, into the corner of the building. They had maybe a minute before they’d be interrupted?</p><p>“Seonghwa-hyung texted me this morning. I don’t know what Wooyoung told him, if he left out details or if hyung just didn’t get it, but I think…I don’t think anything I say today will matter. He’s made up his mind, too. He said we need to ‘talk’—but he means a lecture. I’m sorry, Mingi. You can still be friends with them if you want, you know that, right? <em>You</em> choose your friends. We can still hang out separately, like we already do.”</p><p>“Nope. They’re not giving you what you said yesterday. Respect. They’re not respecting you. I don’t want to be around people who do that to my friends. Or don’t do that. You know?”</p><p>“I know. I’m so sorry.”</p><p>“Stop apologizing. <em>They’re</em> the ones hurting <em>you</em>. I said I needed to know, in case I needed to fight, remember?” Mingi shot him a half smile. “We’re good. I got you.”</p><p>Mingi</p><p>He heard a gentle throat clearing behind him. It was Seonghwa-hyung, he knew. He liked him and Wooyoung, they’d been nice, but he wasn’t staying close to anybody who’d upset Yeosang and cared so little they came after him, here. San, he felt conflicted over. He absolutely understood why Yeosang wouldn’t want anything to do with him as a soulmate, but he couldn’t help wondering, what if they’d run into each other in some more neutral way? What made them break up, it sounded awful. But that was seven years ago. Maybe they could have somehow become friends? Maybe San could have repaired the damage he’d done, and persuaded Yeosang that not every friendship always ended.</p><p>And maybe that was just <em>him</em> wanting all those things, now that he knew Yeosang wouldn’t fight to keep him, if he seemed to be drifting away. He didn’t think it was unfair, given everything, but what if Yeosang misunderstood! He wouldn’t be able to convince him otherwise. It was selfish, so selfish, but he wanted to give San a little bit of a chance. Seonghwa-hyung and Wooyoung, though…they’d fucked up. If he had to, he’d intervene again. He’d make sure they understood, this time.</p><p>Slowly he turned around, calmly meeting Seonghwa’s impatient gaze. He stepped to the side, but kept his body slightly in front of Yeosang’s. They could read that as protective or territorial. He didn’t much care. They’d made their decisions. He’d made his.</p><p>San</p><p>That was definitely a defensive move on Mingi’s part. He viewed one of them as a threat to Yeosang. Maybe all of them? But why him? Was Mingi jealous? He caught his eyes. There was curiosity in them, and worry, but none of the simmering hostility directed at Wooyoung and Seonghwa. What was going on?</p><p>“Your hair,” Wooyoung blurted out.</p><p>“The colorist did an excellent job. Thank you for the recommendation.”</p><p>“You went without me.”</p><p>“Yes.” Yeosang turned to the eldest. “Why are the three of you here, Seonghwa-hyung?”</p><p>“You stopped answering my texts. Yesterday and today. I was worried.”</p><p>“So, you thought you’d corner me in person? In a library? Around children?”</p><p>“Yeosang,” he responded in a quiet, stern voice, “you were ignoring us, and after yesterday, I was concerned.”</p><p>“I’m not discussing yesterday with you. It isn’t your business.” His eyes flickered to Wooyoung. “Nor was it yours.”</p><p>Now that wasn’t fair. Yeosang didn’t have absolute control over all this.</p><p>“I told him,” San interrupted. “I wanted to know why you were so angry, so I told him. Soulmates are two people. My part is my business. I can tell my best friend whatever I want.”</p><p>“Lies, gossip, and manipulation,” Yeosang said in a wondering tone. “Wow. I truly never expected <em>this</em>.”</p><p>What was he talking about?</p><p>“He couldn’t give you any real answers, though, could he? You want them so much? Fine. Let’s go talk.”</p><p>“What you said to Wooyoung, though,” Seonghwa began, “you should apologize.”</p><p>San saw Mingi shift closer.</p><p>“Hyung? Why don’t we let Yeosang have his private conversation first?”</p><p>He could’ve sworn Mingi looked a gentle giant type when he first saw him, but right now…not so much. Seonghwa and Wooyoung looked puzzled. But answers, yes, San wanted answers.</p><p>“Where should we go?” he asked.</p><p>“Just follow me.” Yeosang took a step forward then paused, turning to look at Mingi. “Please make my excuses to your mother.”</p><p>“It’s just dinner. She’ll understand. Go on. I’ll stay here a bit.”</p><p>“You really don’t have to.”</p><p>“I want to.”</p><p>Was it his imagination or was there a slightly grim note in Mingi’s voice? He made eye contact with Wooyoung, who shrugged at him and made shooing motions with his hands. Okay, then.</p><p>Yeosang was already walking away. He hurried to catch up.</p><p>Mingi</p><p>It was all about <em>them</em>, wasn’t it? Yeosang didn’t reply to them, so they tracked him down. To force him into conversations he didn’t want to have. Because they weren’t happy. What next, camp out his apartment since their summer internships gave them flexible hours? Not if he could help it.</p><p>“Do you not get it?” he demanded in a low voice.</p><p>Wooyoung looked taken aback, Seonghwa, annoyed.</p><p>“You both…you’ve lost him, you know that? You went <em>so</em> over the line. How do you know somebody that long, and not think about asking them what <em>they</em> want? How do you claim to be friends and lie to him?”</p><p>“Mingi,” Seonghwa said sharply. “You don’t know the whole story—”</p><p>“And you do?”</p><p>“You’re on his side, I get that, but you’re being incredibly rude.”</p><p>“<em>I’m</em> on his side—that means you’re <em>not</em>?”</p><p>“I didn’t mean it like that. Don’t be ridiculous.”</p><p>Irritation surged through him. What did he mean then? That they were smarter, and he was just reacting?</p><p>“Mingi…,” Wooyoung hesitated, “it’s not a sides thing. I messed up. Hugely. But you don’t know all the details. And you don’t…you don’t know him like we do.”</p><p>“<em>Do</em> you know him? Did you ever ask him, all this time you knew San, for <em>Yeosang’s</em> side of their story? No way you could, since for some reason, you kept that entire friendship a secret.” Mingi paused. “Did you like San? So much you’d never mention knowing him, because the two of them used to be a thing?”</p><p>Wooyoung flushed.</p><p>“Oh. I see. I guess finding out they’re soulmates wasn’t so fun for you.”</p><p>He really was a bad judge of character, he thought glumly. Years of lies…and for such a reason. He hoped Yeosang’s method of coping with lost friendships was enough.</p><p>“Wooyoung?’ Seonghwa asked, his eyes wide. “That isn’t true. Right? It can’t be true.”</p><p>“I <em>did</em> like him.” He swallowed hard. “And I did…ask him out.”</p><p>“Oh, my God.” Seonghwa covered his mouth with his hand.</p><p>“No!” He looked around quickly and lowered his voice. “We had a traditional arts class together, first term, and he sat next to me. He’s <em>so </em>sweet and talented, full package. It’s hard <em>not</em> to like him. I asked him out. He said no. That’s it.”</p><p>“Is it?” Seonghwa’s voice was strained. “First term…that’s four years you’ve kept him a secret. Through enlistments and everything. Why?”</p><p>“Because of Yeosang. Not like you’re thinking. Just—listen, okay? He was nice when he said no. Said he was still stuck on someone from high school. I told him that was dumb. He said if I knew Yeosang, maybe I’d understand—and my brain just….” He made exploding movements with his hands. “No way two Yeosangs of our age came from the same town. It couldn’t be anyone else. What was I supposed to say? That I knew the person he was trying to get over? How would that help him? And I wasn’t about to write Yeosang a letter while he was in service to say, hey, I’m friends with your high school ex-boyfriend and I know that because I asked him out. So I didn’t say anything. To either of them.”</p><p>“But you obviously told San at <em>some</em> point.” Mingi pointed out. “Why not Yeosang?”</p><p>“I <em>didn’t</em> tell San. He figured it out. We both enlisted after freshman year, and when we got back, Yeosang’s first audiobook recording was out. He found it somehow, and when he did, the bio named his high school. Our high school. He asked if I knew him. I came clean. He wasn’t happy, but he said he understood. Yeosang...,” he sighed. “He’d started taking a couple classes at our university, and it just…seemed like it would get complicated. Why say anything? But then they’re soulmates? Oh, my God, the relief in not having to keep them separate, I rushed in. It was a bad idea. More than I knew, I guess, seeing how furious he was.”</p><p>“But now Yeosang knows. You can explain it all,” Seonghwa said soothingly.</p><p>Mingi felt sort of bad for them. Which sucked. Having to explain the consequences without being angry was a lot less appealing.</p><p>“It won’t matter. You tried pushing them together—which is still shitty, by the way, you should have asked Yeosang first, because he didn’t want anything to do with San—”</p><p>“But they’re <em>soulmates</em>. They’re supposed to be together. It’s supposed to work out.”</p><p>“Not what Yeosang believes. When I said you’d lost him, not asking him what he wanted, not respecting his decisions, he read that as you choosing San over him. That’s how it looked to me, too.”</p><p>“That wasn’t it,” Wooyoung insisted. “I couldn’t stay quiet after San told me. Not when I could fix everything, make it all less weird.”</p><p>“But you didn’t. You put yourself first. He was ready for that, but not the lies.”</p><p>“What?” Seonghwa asked, startled.</p><p>“It’s his…code? That nothing lasts. It’s not bad, I guess.” Mingi pushed down the worries haunting him since yesterday. “To be able to just…accept the end of anything. It won’t matter what you say to him. <em>You</em> have to accept he’s already let you go.”</p><p>“No. No.” Fear was creeping into Wooyoung’s voice. “He wouldn’t do that.”</p><p>“He has. For years, he said. Ever since, well, San.”</p><p>Yeosang</p><p>He’d led them to a park, not saying a word until they’d settled on a bench. This wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have, but he’d decided his soulmate—stupid concept—should be told why there were being rejected. That said soulmate was San put him on edge, but he was determined to keep calm.</p><p>“You look different,” Yeosang commented.</p><p>“So do you. From yesterday, even. The hair, I mean.”</p><p>“Yeah.” He toyed with a loose strand of silver. “Wooyoung persuaded me. Not long after he got that streak of blue in his hair. Which mirrors your streak of green. Very couple-y.”</p><p>“We’re not,” San said quickly.</p><p>“I know. You’d have been horrified, not just shocked, yesterday, if you were currently with someone. The whole…soulmate thing. It’s just interesting. Such an obvious, matching style, the kind of thing really close friends would do. For fun, maybe. How long have you known him?”</p><p>“Since 2018. We had a class our first term.”</p><p>“Oh.” Keep it casual, he reminded himself. Stay calm. “You met when I was in basic training. Four years of lies. That’s a lot, since our whole friendship was six years long.”</p><p>“Was?” San asked in bewilderment.</p><p>“Mm. He picked you over me. It’s okay. I just wish he hadn’t lied. That hurts.”</p><p>He shook his head. “He hasn’t picked anybody.”</p><p>“No? I don’t recall him asking me if I wanted to talk to you, before he sent his text messages. He wanted to start a group chat based on information he got from you, and you only. Even though, as you said earlier, soulmates are two people, whatever I might have wanted didn’t matter. That’s choosing you over me. His friendship with you, over his friendship with me. It’s all right. I expected it to happen.”</p><p>“How could you possibly—you weren’t aware he and I knew each other until yesterday. No one could have predicted he’d try pushing us together. I didn’t call to ask him for that.”</p><p>This was why he’d offered to talk to San.</p><p>“I didn’t expect the details. One never can. But I expected the friendship to end, at some point, certainly. Every relationship does.”</p><p>“Uh, no. Plenty of people stay friends, or stay married, for decades, their whole lives.”</p><p>“Some of those people are in denial. Some of them are aware their relationships have altered substantially, but letting go is impractical, or outweighed by other concerns. Some are fortunate, and their friendships, their relationships, either, both…they last such a long time before they begin to fray around the edges, that it’s worth it to them to stay together. But assuming anything will last is a mistake—you taught me that.”</p><p>San blinked at him in confusion. Yeosang sighed.</p><p>“Do you remember the day the laws passed? And your ex-girlfriend, for whatever reason, approached us?”</p><p>“I remember that,” he said slowly.</p><p>“She teased us about it all. I know it was high school, too young to make plans. But after months of caution and secrecy, when we were directly confronted, <em>on that day</em>, you told someone you knew well that we’d only been together a little while. You told her nothing lasts beyond high school. That meant me loving you, you loving me, was temporary. It meant I was temporary. I’d assumed we would last, and right then, I realized how wrong I was.”</p><p>“What? That day…that was seven years ago. We were 17. I panicked, Yeosang. She was going on about marriage, and being coy, and it freaked me out. You weren’t temporary. You were never temporary!”</p><p>“Then why didn’t you say something after she left? You never took back what you said, the jokes with her, any of it.”</p><p>“I…I don’t know. Why didn’t you ask me?”</p><p>“Because I was shocked. Because I was hurt. And because it made sense. Assuming anything will last is foolish.”</p><p>“That’s why you were so mad seeing me? Holding those stupid things I said against me?”</p><p>It was so difficult to explain. Though Mingi had seemed to understand.</p><p>“I don’t hold them against you. It was an important life lesson: never assume anything will last. It’s why I enrolled in college. I don’t know if I’ll keep getting voiceover work or recording work. But slowly taking classes towards a degree, that’s more dependable. It can’t be taken away. It will give me options I don’t currently have. I could pick up a career like my mother’s. Or work in a variety of places. Maybe even abroad. I should ask my agent to set up English tutoring classes. Or maybe Chinese. Not sure which is more marketable for me.”</p><p>“Stop. If you don’t hold them against me, why were you so pissed off?”</p><p>“Because you broke my heart, and made trusting people scary,” he said matter-of-factly. “To get away from you, I left home. I should thank you for that, though it sounds strange to say. It did lead to viable career options. But it took a while to learn to let people go, when friendships ended. Not to try to hold on. I’m more at ease with it, now. Yesterday was…different. I wasn’t prepared to see you, ever again. I wasn’t prepared for Wooyoung’s lies, or for you to be part of them. And then, to be soulmates? I wouldn’t want that with anyone. Soulmate makes people think of forever, and I know nothing is forever. But to have it be you….”</p><p>Should he tell him? He hadn’t told Mingi, because it was so private. And it was embarrassing, but maybe it would make it perfectly clear, why he’d been so…awful.</p><p>“For <em>you</em> to be my soulmate is difficult, because that day? Back then? For a little while, a part of me thought, wow, I might already be with the person I could marry. The irony stung too much, yesterday.”</p><p>San’s expression altered. From frustration to…pain? Why had Mingi accepted it, and understood it, and San not?</p><p>“What about your parents? If you expect everything to end, how do you explain your parents? Or do you believe someday they’ll pull away from you, too?”</p><p>He knew the line San was trying to take. It didn’t apply. He’d never included his parents in his philosophy. They were separate. Parents did disown children, sometimes, but he didn’t think his mother and father would do that to him. They’d known about San, and been worried about harassment he might receive. They hadn’t understood why he’d liked a boy, but they hadn’t rejected him for it. And he hadn’t changed, really, in the years since then. But most importantly….</p><p>“No, I don’t think they will. They’re the exception.”</p><p>“Why only them?”</p><p>“They loved me before the two of us…were anything. Anything hurtful from the time before you, that would surprise me. After that day, of course, everything was different. My parents and I, our relationship was set long before you, and what you taught me.” He smiled.</p><p>San</p><p>San stared at him, his heart sinking. What had hurt Yeosang so much he’d reject a soulmate? Stupid words he’d uttered, himself. How could he possibly persuade Yeosang to give him a second chance? He’d always believed soulmates were special—wouldn’t that help? And if it did…. For seven years, he’d tried to move on, without any success. At least now he knew why—Fate and Destiny had long-term plans. Which meant there had to be a way.</p><p>Yeosang’s phone rang, and with a muttered apology, he answered it.</p><p>“You told them what? No, no…it’s okay, Mingi. I didn’t tell you to keep it secret. Maybe they’ll believe it more, from you, than me.” He paused, listening. “Mingi,” he said coaxingly, “it’s okay. I trust you. You can’t keep worrying about this. Please. I’m okay.” His eyes briefly met San’s. “It’s all right. I’ll text you later, okay? Bye.”</p><p>“Are you dating him?” he asked abruptly.</p><p>“Who? Mingi? No.”</p><p>“But you’ve dated other people.”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Isn’t that giving them false hopes?”</p><p>He gave him an exasperated look. “They’re just one-offs, usually.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Because, like you said, no false hopes. Nothing lasts, there’s no point in pursuing anything serious.”</p><p>“Doesn’t that make you lonely?”</p><p>“I have no idea why you think you’ve any right to ask that.”</p><p>“Soulmates.”</p><p>Yeosang frowned at him. “That doesn’t make any sense.”</p><p>“We’re supposed to be the best suited for each other, so we’d absolutely want each other happy. You told me yesterday to find someone I liked. I don’t want you to be lonely.”</p><p>“I’m not going to take advantage of another person until they figure out I don’t want them forever.”</p><p>“That’d be pretty mean.”</p><p>“You’re starting to talk in circles, San.”</p><p>“It <em>wouldn’t</em> be mean, if the other person knew it wasn’t forever, from the beginning.”</p><p>“There’s no one like that.”</p><p>“Well…me?”</p><p>“Sani!” He snapped his mouth shut. “That’s way too confusing. And wrong.”</p><p>“So, you’d hate it, or no?”</p><p>Yeosang closed his eyes. “This isn’t a joke, Choi San.”</p><p>“I liked Sani better.”</p><p>The other’s eyes flew open, cold fury glittering in them.</p><p>Shit. Wrong approach.</p><p>“Do not play games with me.” He stood up. “I’m leaving now.”</p><p>San watched him stalk off. It was nearly impossible to win a battle of wills against Yeosang. And he was in a terrible position, to even begin. But Yeosang had not said he’d hate it.</p><p>He needed to think.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And.......yes. I did gave Yeosang dark silver hair........and a half ponytail. ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. How to Get a Second Chance, Part 1.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Double update! So chapters 3 &amp; 4 are shorter than 1 &amp; 2. But I had to split them. Natural break.</p>
<p>Yeosang (KangYS) has Mingi saved as MostTrusted.</p>
<p>San (ChoiS) has Yeosang saved as Stubborn.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yeosang</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
They left then.<br/>
Seonghwa-hyung looked kinda sick.<br/>
Wooyoung near tears.<br/>
I guess they went back to their apartment.</p>
<p>He shouldn’t dwell. They’d chosen their sides first. Four years of Wooyoung lying to him. Seonghwa hadn’t known anything, it seemed, but his priority had been to support Wooyoung. It made sense. He’d known Wooyoung longer. Yeosang pressed a hand against his chest. Expecting nothing to last meant he never got his hopes up high. Expecting nothing to last meant when people found other paths, it didn’t hurt <em>as</em> much. Usually.</p>
<p>Why were they even unhappy? Wooyoung had chosen San. Seonghwa had chosen Wooyoung. When people made choices, the right thing to do was to respect those choices. Struggling to keep someone who didn’t want you? You’d lose, and the pain would be that much worse.</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Thank you.<br/>
For believing in me.<br/>
For defending me.<br/>
I wish it hadn’t had to happen.<br/>
But thank you.</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
I did say I’d fight for you.</p>
<p>Which he appreciated, though it felt…odd. He couldn’t remember the last time someone had fought for him. Maybe his agent had argued for him to get a chance at a job, but that was the closest he could think of. As long as he and Mingi were friends, if it were needed, he’d do the same.</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
What about San?</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
What about him?</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
You talked to him.<br/>
Did he get it?<br/>
Them.<br/>
Enough answers he won’t bother you?</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I have no idea.<br/>
He wasn’t taking it seriously.<br/>
This isn’t how it normally goes.</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
With soulmates?</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Didn’t mean San.<br/>
He’ll be persistent until he’s not.<br/>
It’s irritating, but I can handle it.<br/>
I meant the others.<br/>
When friendships fade, I let them go.<br/>
It’s peaceful.<br/>
This isn’t peaceful.</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
Um. Well. Was there fading?<br/>
Don’t think they thought so.</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
It doesn’t <em>have</em> to be a total end.<br/>
It just can’t continue as it was.<br/>
We can be friendly. Like co-workers.<br/>
Not people I’d share parts of my life with,<br/>
but people I can be polite to.<br/>
Though…it would take a while with Wooyoung.<br/>
Why did San have to show up again?<br/>
He’s made normal impossible.</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
Soulmates change people?<br/>
They say that.</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
He’s not changing me.<br/>
Why couldn’t he have been dating someone?<br/>
Or been engaged?<br/>
Or become a monk?</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
A monk.</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Yes.</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
I barely met him, and I really…<br/>
I did not get the impression that would be a lifestyle he’d choose.</p>
<p>Yeosang could—theoretically—see San accepting several obligations of a monk's life. Except he’d miss his family. And naps. And creating music. Embracing celibacy? Not willingly or happily. They hadn’t done <em>that</em> much in high school, but only for a lack of opportunities. The kissing alone…he shivered. How much better would he be at it now?</p>
<p>Which reminded him of San’s suggestion of himself as a remedy for loneliness. Dangerously unamusing. Maddening, to realize how tempting it was, despite everything. Infuriating to have such an unrealistic offer made so lightly.</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
No.<br/>
He likes good meals too much.</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
….<br/>
Okay.</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
And now I’m hungry.<br/>
Damn them for making me miss dinner at your house.</p>
<p>A calendar alert appeared on his phone: two days from now, he had a photoshoot scheduled with Wooyoung. A huge percentage of his summer course grade, and if it worked well, a good addition to his portfolio. He sighed. He knew Wooyoung had spent considerable time persuading his internship supervisors to allow him the use of one of their rooms, props, and clothes. If he didn’t show up, it wouldn’t look good for his…former friend. Friendly acquaintance? Didn’t matter.</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
The photoshoot.</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
Oh! Are you…still gonna do it?</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Of course.<br/>
I promised.<br/>
I should text him tonight.<br/>
Before he starts to worry.</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
E-mail.<br/>
Texting him might lead into a conversation you don’t want to have.</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
He was that upset?</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
<em>Yes, </em>Yeosang.</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Why can’t this be normal?</p>
<p>San</p>
<p>“Mingi said what, again?” he demanded.</p>
<p>Seonghwa looked at him wearily. “That nothing we said or did would make a difference.”</p>
<p>“That’s not fair, though!”</p>
<p>“Isn’t it? Put yourself in his shoes. A hated ex—sorry, San—shows up out of nowhere. You find out he’s your soulmate. You reject him, think it’s over. But he’s secret best friends with your own close friend, and when the ex-turned-soulmate asks him for advice, the close friend doesn’t stop that conversation, to ask you why. He puts more trust in the ‘magic of soulmates’ than trust in you. Wouldn’t you lose faith?”</p>
<p>“Yes…but he should give you a chance to make amends. Though what you did wrong, I don’t understand.”</p>
<p>“I ignored his request to leave it alone. I brought you both to the library.”</p>
<p>“Because you didn’t understand a situation that exploded so fast it shocked you. That’s normal. When did he get like this?”</p>
<p>“Since you, apparently. People who break his trust, he just…lets them go. He doesn’t demand explanations. I suppose they’ve always been self-evident.”</p>
<p>“What I said and did back then was <em>stupid</em>, but that he’s created this whole…torturous way of dealing with people because of that? It’s out of proportion. You’re not going to fight back?”</p>
<p>“I don’t really know how. And I did break his trust. Friends don’t have to tell each other everything. Why…why was I insisting he tell me everything?” Seonghwa sighed.</p>
<p>“Okay. I started this. I know him, so—”</p>
<p>“You <em>knew</em> him.”</p>
<p>That hurt, a bit, even if it was true. But in the library, reading to the kids, he’d been just like he used to be. Had other things remained unchanged?</p>
<p>“Apparently Fate wants us to know each other better. What’s his number?”</p>
<p>Seonghwa bit lip.</p>
<p>“If you don’t give it to me, I’ll have to wake Wooyoung.”</p>
<p>“No! He needs to rest.” Shaking his head, Seonghwa picked up his phone and texted San the contact. “I’m going to make dinner. Do you want to eat with us?”</p>
<p>“That’d be nice. Thank you.”</p>
<p>Seonghwa nodded and walked toward the kitchen.</p>
<p>San glanced down the small hallway at the closed bedroom door. Wooyoung had definitely fucked up. But the response still seemed extreme. He saved the contact and sat down on the main room’s floor, debating how to begin.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Yeosang.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
You have the wrong number.</p>
<p>He snorted.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
That’s too bad.<br/>
I was trying to reach my soulmate.<br/>
Thought for sure this was the right contact.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
What the hell, San?<br/>
You’d tell a stranger that?</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
No shame in it.<br/>
But I got your number from Seonghwa-hyung.<br/>
I knew it was you.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Irritating.<br/>
Can you stop referring to me as your soulmate?</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Why?</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
I said I don’t want you.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
That changes the outcome, not the facts.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
I don’t even like the <em>idea</em> of soulmates.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
It’s still a fact.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Why couldn’t you have said yes to Wooyoung and dated him?<br/>
Then I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
He’s extremely cute, but I wasn’t interested.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Then someone else.<br/>
Why aren’t you with someone right now?<br/>
You’re attractive enough.</p>
<p>Attractive “enough.” He didn’t expect praise, but really….</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Thank you.<br/>
Are those the only two options you thought of?<br/>
As ways to make your life easier?<br/>
Why not wish I’d moved to another country?</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Hm. That’s more believable than the last option I thought of.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Which was…?</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
That you could’ve been a monk.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Not religious.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
And yet you believe in soulmates.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Different from organized religion.<br/>
Plus, there’s proof of soulmates.<br/>
I felt it. I know you did, too.<br/>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
That better than sex “zing”? Yeah, yeah.</p>
<p>Huh. Accurate, though not what he’d personally have said. But now that the conversational door was wide open….</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
That’s a fascinating way to describe it.<br/>
Doesn’t it make you wonder?<br/>
If the identifying touch feels like that, then is<br/>
everything better with soulmates?<br/>
<em>(read)</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Your imagination is in overdrive.<br/>
Been solo too long?</p>
<p>His smirk faded.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
If soulmate sex was that much better than the variety of options<br/>
available to those who don’t have soulmates, I’m certain<br/>
there’d be people who’d talk about it. All. The. Time.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
How would you know?<br/>
You dislike the whole topic.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Which? Soulmates? Or sex?<br/>
I certainly don’t dislike sex.</p>
<p>San took several slow breaths. Just hours ago, he’d acknowledged to himself that they were different from when they’d known each other last. He hadn’t thought about how Yeosang’s outspoken nature would evolve in <em>all</em> areas.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Healthy attitude to have.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
You sound like a therapist.</p>
<p>What was he <em>supposed</em> to say? Best just to leave the topic entirely.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
I got distracted.<br/>
Seonghwa-hyung’s cooking dinner.<br/>
It smells delicious.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Ah.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Wooyoung is sleeping.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Rest is good.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
He cried himself to sleep.<br/>
<em>(read)</em><br/>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
I wish that weren’t the case.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Yet there it is.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
I can’t change what happened.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
You can change what comes next.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
That’s more up to him.<br/>
Letting someone go doesn’t have to mean it’s all over.<br/>
I’d need a while, but I could eventually be friendly with him.<br/>
Not like before. But not strangers.<br/>
He’d have to be okay with that change, of course.<br/>
Not sure if he would be.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
People accept this? Your former friends?<br/>
They don’t argue with you?</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
The few who don’t leave entirely, they accept it, yes.<br/>
They’re relieved I don’t make things stressful.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
And you’re okay with that?</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
They’re the ones who stepped away.<br/>
Why would they change their minds?<br/>
That makes no sense.<br/>
It still hurts, of course.<br/>
But not expecting anything to last lessens the pain.</p>
<p>He frowned down at the phone. Wooyoung and Seonghwa were entirely different, but Yeosang didn’t seem to see it. He really did expect everyone to leave, or be some neutral we-used-to-be-friends thing. Was it only weird because he’d made it a formal, if internal, process? People did come and go. Close friends could become near-strangers you’d smile at in the streets, idly wonder how they were, then dismiss from your mind. What was the difference?</p>
<p>No second chances? But he was talking to <em>him</em>.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
So why are you talking to me?<br/>
Since I apparently…started all this.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
When I broke up with you, you let me go.<br/>
We moved on with our lives separately.<br/>
It isn’t your fault this idiotic soulmate thing happened.<br/>
At some point, you’ll move on again.<br/>
Until then, just…whatever.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Isn’t that sort of like giving me a second chance?<br/>
<em>(read)</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
If you want to interpret it that way…I suppose so.<br/>
But it’s only for a little while.<br/>
You won’t stay.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
What makes you so sure of that?</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Because.<br/>
As I have said.<br/>
So many times now.<br/>
I want a new language to say them in.<br/>
Nothing. Lasts.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
That’s your <em>perception</em>.<br/>
It doesn’t mean it’s true.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Nothing has proved it false.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
You know.<br/>
The only reason.<br/>
I “let you go.”<br/>
Is I didn’t have a choice.<br/>
You transferred schools.<br/>
High school and long distance.<br/>
Doesn’t work.<br/>
Add in the special classes you’d be getting.<br/>
I knew there was no time for me.<br/>
But for three years after you left.<br/>
I didn’t date anyone.<br/>
Because I had <em>not</em> moved on.<br/>
I enlisted.<br/>
Obviously, nothing happened then.<br/>
Just patrolling, eating, sleeping.<br/>
Then I was back in school.<br/>
And I saw your name was trending online.<br/>
It was very…peculiar.<br/>
To see your name. To click on a link.<br/>
To hear you read from that military history.<br/>
You <em>had</em> moved on.<br/>
So I did <em>not</em> try to contact you through Wooyoung.<br/>
It was weird.<br/>
Finding out he knew you, too.<br/>
I made myself be more sociable.<br/>
I dated people.<br/>
Not, I think, as many as you have.<br/>
But I dated them for longer.<br/>
Because I was trying to make it work.<br/>
With each person I was trying to make it work.<br/>
But then you had another book.<br/>
And then there were the OSTs.<br/>
I broke up with people because of those OSTs.<br/>
Because they reminded me the people I was dating?<br/>
Not you.<br/>
And did you know.<br/>
Over half the songs I have written.<br/>
Have doubles.<br/>
One version in my range.<br/>
The other in yours.<br/>
I have <em>tried</em>, but I am not over you.<br/>
That’s seven damn years.<br/>
Six of them without seeing you in person.<br/>
That is <em>bizarre</em>.<br/>
And then one of my songs was bought.<br/>
For you to sing.<br/>
And I just…wanted to see you.<br/>
I did not expect what happened, to happen.<br/>
But it let me feel less crazy.<br/>
Long term otherworldly plans.<br/>
Can’t win against them.<br/>
Don’t want to.<br/>
How’s <em>that</em> for something lasting?<br/>
You didn’t expect it.<br/>
You didn’t know anything about it.<br/>
But it <em>did</em>. It still <em>does</em>.<br/>
<em>(read)</em>
</p>
<p>Biggest gamble in his entire life, right there. Why the fuck did he say all that? He waited, drumming his fingers on the floor. The typing bubble appeared and disappeared. Did he totally blow it? Spilling all those details?</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Most every response in my head diminishes what you wrote.<br/>
And that seems very wrong.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Just say it.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Seven years is a long time.<br/>
But six years is a pretty close second.<br/>
And two friendships of that length ended just yesterday.<br/>
Maybe seven years not being near me kept it alive.<br/>
If you were…near me…it wouldn’t last long at all.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Mmm. Maybe, in theory.<br/>
Except the whole soulmates thing.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
I really dislike that word.<br/>
I really dislike the idea of blobby ideas like fate and destiny actually existing.<br/>
And controlling people’s lives. Or trying to.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Blobby?</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
I’m not 10.<br/>
I’m not pretending they have human form.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Okay…<br/>
But of all the words out there…blobby?</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Like soft tofu.</p>
<p>San pressed his lips together as tightly as he could. He could <em>not</em> laugh in this apartment. With Wooyoung still asleep. And Seonghwa cooking a meal. He really shouldn’t be this entertained while talking to the person who’d been made so unhappy by their actions, he’d pushed them far away. And they were miserable because of it. The impulse to laugh faded.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Yeosang.<br/>
Whatever their forms, they exist.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
But they aren’t fair!<br/>
Lots of people never meet their soulmates.<br/>
Or maybe they do, but they can’t touch them, so they never know.<br/>
Or maybe they know, but for whatever reason, they can’t be together.<br/>
It’s not romantic, it’s cruel!</p>
<p>Aha!</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
So you think it <em>should</em> be romantic.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
….<br/>
In concept.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
And you think me seeing you frequently, in close proximity,<br/>
would prove nothing lasts because any attachment I have<br/>
would vanish?</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
I didn’t say that.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Then it could get stronger?</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
I never said that.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
You could always invite me to stay at your apartment<br/>
for a while, to see what happens.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Absolutely not!</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
You don’t trust me?</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Nope.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Why?</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
I just don’t.<br/>
Tell Wooyoung I won’t back out of the photoshoot.</p>
<p>San grinned. Fast topic change—he still did that when he got nervous, huh? Though what he said was…good.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
The one for his class?<br/>
You’re the person he’s photographing?</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Yes.</p>
<p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Even after what he did?</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Professionalism wins out over personal issues.<br/>
I sang your song even though I wanted to rip the sheets in half.</p>
<p>Ouch. Though he felt more impressed, knowing that. Hating what he saw, but singing like he believed it.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
I’m going to order dinner.<br/>
Bye.</p>
<p>Well. That conversation had given him even more to think about.</p>
<p>Yeosang</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Soulmate.<br/>
Soulmate!</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
Wrong number, Yeosang.</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS;</strong><br/>
I’m not trying to get ahold of <em>him</em>.<br/>
I’m irritated.<br/>
Him as a soulmate?<br/>
Why him?!</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
No one knows how it works.<br/>
Per my mom.</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
What?</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
She’s always wanted to write a book centered on soulmates.<br/>
But all she can do is conduct interviews.<br/>
And all they do is gush.</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Ridiculous.</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
She would, of course, love to interview you and San.</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Much as I respect your mother’s creative works, no.<br/>
Poor subject material.<br/>
I rejected him and he…<br/>
He just….<br/>
My soulmate is <em>difficult</em>.</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
Did you just refer to him as “my soulmate”?</p>
<p>Damn.</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Well. He is. As he said, it’s a fact.</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
As he said?</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
He texted me.</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
Just to tell you being soulmates was a fact?</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
No. He wanted to talk.<br/>
Mostly.</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
I see.</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Do not you dare start making it something it’s not.</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
I have no idea what you discussed.<br/>
How could I make your conversation anything?<br/>
Not really my business anyway.<br/>
You don’t want him.<br/>
End of story.</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
No.<br/>
I don’t want him.<br/>
He’d just leave, anyway.<br/>
Eventually.<br/>
Like I told you, though—he’s persistent.<br/>
I did tell him to tell Wooyoung I’d still show up.</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
Probably safest way to convey that message.</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
He’ll phrase it better than I could.<br/>
He’s protective of him.</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
Will he be at the photoshoot?</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I hadn’t thought of that.<br/>
Maybe?<br/>
Wooyoung needs me there to get a good grade.<br/>
And not lose face in front of his internship people.<br/>
If he also needs San, to get through it,<br/>
because not enough time has passed,<br/>
then San will be there if he can.<br/>
He was always like that.</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
He wasn’t there for you seven years ago.<br/>
<em>(read)</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
No. That’s true.<br/>
Panic made him stupid.<br/>
But if not for that lapse, I wouldn’t be who I am today.<br/>
Wouldn’t have the career I have.<br/>
Wouldn’t have met you.<br/>
Would’ve missed out on a lot.</p>
<p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
So you’ll be fine with it. If he’s there.</p>
<p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Of course.<br/>
Like I said before, I can handle him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I should have mentioned it before this chapter, but......I have no idea how OSTs get selected. My head canon for this is partly 'cause San had a connection, but mostly 'cause the song was written in Yeosang's range and was exactly the kind of song they wanted.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. How to Get a Second Chance, Part 2.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>San (ChoiS) has Wooyoung's contact saved as LongLostTwin.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>San (two days later)</p><p>“Do you need me to do anything?”</p><p>“No.” Wooyoung tugged at the small white cloth draped on the slim table, then slid over to fiddle with…whatever lighting equipment it was he was using. He glanced at San, a small smile on his face. “You don’t even know the names for any of this, do you?”</p><p>“Uh, no. But I can move things. Or later, I can bring him props from that table over there, if you just want to stay put.”</p><p>Wooyoung raised an eyebrow at him. “Stay put?”</p><p>“Behind the camera. I get,” he eyed the bright orange cord tethering the camera to the open laptop, both currently on a sturdy stand, “that you’ll need to move back and forth, for different poses and angles, and then to check how it looks, but I can be like…an errand boy?”</p><p>“Will you call me ‘sir’?”</p><p>“I’m not feeding into your kinks.”</p><p>“Hey!” He took several steps and smacked San’s shoulder. “It is not. Don’t be so rude—the stylist intern will be here soon. Watch what you say.”</p><p>“Okay, okay. Is your hand all right?”</p><p>“Yeah. You’re not Thor or anything.”</p><p>A slight rap on the doorframe caught their attention.</p><p>“Oh, Eunshil-ssi! Come in.”</p><p>“Is this your model?”</p><p>“No. Just a friend. Little nervous about a solo shoot. Moral support. My other friend—my model should be here soon.” He smiled and bobbed his head at her. “This friend is Choi San-ssi. San, this is Kim Eunshil-ssi.”</p><p>They exchanged bows and smiles, then the stylist easily stepped around the equipment, headed to the makeup area to the side.</p><p>“Do you like her?” San asked quietly, “Or is it getting too much?”</p><p>“Worried,” he whispered back. “I don’t know how to act. You said he said it was up to me. To accept being…a sort of friend. Like someone he just recently met, I guess. Except when I first met him, it was like when I met you. Only I was maybe a little louder? High school, you know.” He swallowed hard. “I don’t know how to be around Yeosang and not…not be able to give him a hug when he looks tired. He doesn’t get everything he auditions for, you know? Though he does get a good amount. And he takes lessons still, for his voice. His parents pay half his rent, but he doesn’t like burdening them. Sometimes he does too much, pushes himself too hard. Now I know why. The whole…’nothing lasts’ mentality.” His shoulders sagged.</p><p>“After this photo session is over…you don’t have to keep it up. He expects people to leave. I don’t think he’d feel any ill will if you did. It’s just…um…the lies and everything that upset him. Sorry. If you’re just doing this as some sort of penance, you shouldn’t.”</p><p>“Why not? I hurt him, didn’t I?”</p><p>And what could San say to that? It was true.</p><p>“I can’t just walk away from that. It’d be more selfish than what I did in the first place.” Wooyoung shook his head. “If at some point he seems to have forgiven me, then…I’ll figure it out.” He paused. “And maybe I have this small bit of hope that you and him being soulmates will somehow…help everything. Not like, make everything the way it was. It can’t be. But…something.”</p><p>“Meaning you play by the rules and hope, while I do the heavy lifting that may or may not collapse on me? Thanks.”</p><p>“You messed it all up to begin with.”</p><p>San crossed his arms and stalked back to the chair he’d claimed earlier, glaring at Wooyoung as he sat down. He got a slight smile in response as the other went back to doing…whatever it was he was doing. At least he didn’t look so dejected now.</p><p>A few minutes later, another knock on the doorframe pulled his attention away from his phone. Don’t interfere, he reminded himself silently.</p><p>“Yeosang. You’re here. Um, this is another of the interns, Kim Eunshil-ssi. She agreed to do your hair and makeup. Eunshil-ssi, this is Kang Yeosang-ssi. The model for the photoshoot.”</p><p>Eunshil was staring at Yeosang. She seemed frozen. San cleared his throat loudly. She startled, looking around the room, then returned the small bow she’d already received. “If you’ll follow me, there are a few suits to choose from. There’s a small room to the side where you can change. I need to see which one looks best, and…fits best.” She blushed.</p><p>San glanced at Wooyoung, the other’s eyes crinkled in amusement. He sighed and looked back at his phone. Restart level? Yes.</p><p>Some time later, he heard a soft, high-pitched laugh. Not Yeosang. Not Wooyoung. He looked up from the phone. The stylist had pulled away from Yeosang, some sort of makeup pencil in one hand, the other covering her mouth. He was smiling up at her from his chair. Well. He could be funny. That was normal. But was he…was he flirting with her? No way. She shook her head at him playfully, then bent back down. Eyeliner. Eyebrows. Lips. Seriously? Photoshoot. Magazine photoshoot. This was normal. But her hand?</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Does she have to have one hand under his chin?<br/>
Just to apply lip gloss?<br/>
And why does she keep wiping it off?</p><p>Wooyoung paused in arranging props on the table to pull out his phone.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
She’s looking for the best color match.<br/>
That’s normal.<br/>
The hand under his chin…not so much.<br/>
But there isn’t anyone senior to her to stop her.<br/>
And Yeosang doesn’t seem to mind.<br/>
Chill.<br/>
Oh. Wait. You’re bothered that he doesn’t mind.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
A little.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
He doesn’t usually date women.<br/>
If that’s any consolation.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Not <em>usually</em>?<br/>
He never did, in high school.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Maybe not in your high school.<br/>
But in ours? Sometimes.<br/>
And since high school, sometimes.<br/>
More often men.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Is my soulmate a player?</p><p>Wooyoung’s whole body shook with silent laughter. At least he wasn’t falling on the ground.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
I’ve never heard him called that.<br/>
He’s always upfront with people.<br/>
That he doesn’t want anything long-term.<br/>
But he doesn’t sleep with every person he dates.<br/>
I wouldn’t guess his number is <em>that</em> high.<br/>
Compared to you, though?<br/>
He could teach lessons.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Did you and he…?</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
No. He’s not a friends with benefits person.<br/>
But if he had been, well…</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Are you actually admitting, to me,<br/>
that if you could have, you would<br/>
have dated, and fucked, me,<br/>
and my soulmate, though, granted,<br/>
at different times in our lives?</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Have you looked at him?<br/>
Have you looked at yourself?<br/>
You’re both extremely…desirable.<br/>
Hot and all, but fun, too.<br/>
But I didn’t do either, with either of you.<br/>
I’d kind of forgotten about all that ‘til now.<br/>
</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
I shouldn’t have asked.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Knowledge is helpful?<br/>
Need to stop now.<br/>
Eun-shil’s done.</p><p>Wooyoung turned around, and walked back towards his equipment, shoving his phone back into a pocket, and picking up his camera. “Yeosang, if we could, we’ll start with you sitting partly on the table?”</p><p>San admired the professionalism. He truly did. Possibly as much as he admired the open black suit jacket, black buttoned vest, crisp white shirt and—that wasn’t how ties were normally tied but he guessed a satin-y skinny tie could just be knotted like that…. It looked good. Black pants, black socks, black shoes. A shimmer of gloss. Why had it taken her so long to figure <em>that</em> out? His hair, though…how had she made his hair look like feather-soft steel?</p><p>Okay, now, was Wooyoung just being cruel, or did magazine shoots look like this? One of Yeosang’s hands resting on his hip, the other lightly gripping the table edge? With the candles and perfume bottles and the hourglass behind him? Glancing down, the lighting cast half his profile in shadow, his hair falling forward, shining silver. New pose, okay, good. No, not good. He was looking—why did Wooyoung ask for something more <em>sultry</em>? Seriously? Both his hands were on the table, and he was leaning back, facing the camera full on, head tilted to the side, eyes half closed. It wasn’t sultry, it was <em>knowing</em>. Why had he agreed to tag along? This was torture. New pose, please, new pose—thank you!</p><p>Rearranging the props, bringing out a stool? Okay. Sitting down, hourglass in front of him, perfume bottles—now he was holding one to his face and gazing right at the camera. Were they making it like a perfume ad? What was the concept for this photoshoot? He’d forgotten to ask. Wooyoung kept pausing between each new pose to check the photographs on his laptop. Logical. But it was making it all last so much longer. Maybe not perfume but time? Wooyoung was directing him to pull the hourglass closer, lace his fingers together on top of it, then rest his chin on his hands. His face slightly tilted, because why not? More lights and shadows. So many photographs being taken.</p><p>“San? Help me move the table?” Wooyoung called out.</p><p>He had volunteered to help. Real smart of him. Real smart. He left his phone on the chair and quickly walked forward. Yeosang had stepped away at the stylist’s urging, for a touch-up. Touch-up. Hah. He and Wooyoung cleared the table of props, then moved it and the stool to the side. San sped back to his chair. Not getting too close right now, no.</p><p>“Just a few standing poses, and then that’s enough, I think.”</p><p>Standing poses sounded harmless.</p><p>Or not.</p><p>His hands partly in his pants pockets, head tilted again, but his eyes—like he was looking through the camera, which, given his chair’s position, meant it almost felt like Yeosang was looking directly at him. So intent. He really could not take much more of this. Okay, Wooyoung had him facing away now. Another almost profile picture. His chin tilted up, his eyes half-closed again, and…one hand cupping his throat. San looked down at the floor. That was…much too close to an actual memory. Except it’d been his own hands running down Yeosang’s face, down his neck, then tilting up his jaw…. He looked up again. Bittersweet beautiful. He sighed softly.</p><p>A few more poses, and uncountable photos, and they were done. Yeosang thanked the stylist, then disappeared into the attached room to change back to his clothes. Eun-shil looked at Wooyoung uncertainly.</p><p>“That took longer than I thought it would. I need to get back to my work, but…,” she gestured at the makeup, hair products, and the clothes hanging on the rack.</p><p>“I’m sorry. Thank you so much for helping. I’ll clean it all up. San will help, too, right?”</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>She smiled brightly at them both, glanced quickly at the closed door, then left.</p><p>“I’m surprised she didn’t give him her number,” San said dryly, as he began carefully packing the props into the boxes they’d originally been in.</p><p>“It’s supposed to be like a real photoshoot. Professional. None of that was going to happen,” Wooyoung called back, as he cleared the makeup table.</p><p>“You were all professional, Wooyoung-ah. It was impressive.”</p><p>Wooyoung beamed at him.</p><p>They continued their work in silence until the door opened.</p><p>“Where should I put the suit?”</p><p>“Um, you can just drape it over the makeup chair. I need to get it dry-cleaned, then I’ll return it to stores.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>San folded the white tablecloth into a precise square as he watched Wooyoung peer at Yeosang. So wary.</p><p>“If that’s all you need, I should get going. I promised Mingi’s mom I’d make up for the dinner cancellation.”</p><p>“That’s…that’s all, yeah. But, um, Yeosang? Was I okay today?”</p><p>Yeosang turned to look at Wooyoung, a frown on his face. “You’re a really good photographer. Of course, you did okay.”</p><p>“No, I meant…am I doing it right? The whole…stepping back thing. What you’re used to. What I’m…supposed to do.”</p><p>San closed his eyes. Wooyoung looked so worried, and his voice was trembling. This was awful.</p><p>“I don’t know how to answer that. I’ve never been asked such a question.”</p><p>Yeosang sounded confused.</p><p>“I just…you told San when people accepted it, and it was peaceful, sometimes you could stay…sorta friends with them. I don’t really know what I’m doing so I thought you could tell me if I mess up. More than I already did. I never…I never wanted to lose you, Yeosang. I know it’s a lot to ask, but if I don’t do this correctly, would you please…please tell me? I’ll learn to do it the right way.”</p><p>Total silence.</p><p>“San. Open your eyes. Look at me.”</p><p>Reluctantly, he did. Yeosang’s eyes were blazing again. Damn.</p><p>“This isn’t normal, San. I said it’s up to him, that it’s his choice. This doesn’t sound like anything he wants. He’s in too much pain.”</p><p>Frustration roiled up in him, and he couldn’t contain it.</p><p>“What did you expect? He isn’t one of your other people. He didn’t drift away. He made a mistake. A really big mistake. Lies? Okay, yeah, he lied. He lied at first because I was trying to get over you and failing, like I told you. He thought he was doing me a kindness. But really, what does it matter? Like Seonghwa-hyung said to me a couple days ago, friends don’t have to tell each other everything. Am I that important to you, even though you say you don’t want me, that him keeping me a secret from you is enough to cast him aside?”</p><p>“San,” Wooyoung said pleadingly. “Stop.”</p><p>“No,” he snapped back. “This isn’t fair. I get letting people go <em>peacefully</em>, when a friendship is breaking down. But if you’d just listened to him, given him a chance to explain, you’d have realized he…he had the best intentions.”</p><p>“I know he did.”</p><p>San jerked his head back. “Then <em>why</em>—”</p><p>“The lies…it’s easier to say lies than face deceit. He knew you for years. Enough to keep you secret. Which meant he knew what we used to be. And then you told him about the soulmate thing. Poor Sani, you had to know <em>why</em>. Wooyoung didn’t know why. But did he come ask me? At any point, in the entire time you two have known each other, did Wooyoung ever come to ask me my side of the story? No. Did Seonghwa-hyung think maybe there was more to it than what Wooyoung told him? No. It didn’t matter to him what my reasons were, for rejecting you, or even for breaking up with you in the first place. All that mattered was <em>you</em>. The lies, the deceit, that’s in him acting my friend, not even caring what I had to say.”</p><p>“And if he had asked you? You’d have told him? Forgiven him? Given him a fighting chance?” San challenged.</p><p>“A fighting chance,” Yeosang gasped out. “<em>You</em> say that to <em>me</em>? What do you know about fighting for someone? I learned about the transfer offer not long after we started dating. Most of my life, I’d been taught and trained for just such a chance, but…I didn’t have to accept it then. I could’ve studied with my teacher in Seoul, after graduating from our own school. I told my parents I didn’t want to leave home. I wasn’t ready to go to Seoul alone. I could study with him later. Those are the arguments I used with them, every time it came up. And it kept coming up. I never told them,” he shook his head violently, “I never told them I wanted to delay it because of you. I was so scared if I left, I’d lose you forever. Because high school and long distance don’t work well together. And it was still so <em>new</em>, what we had. And then…and then that day. I thought it was proof I was right. The laws were changed. I thought, maybe—I <em>told you</em> what I thought that day. Just briefly. But then your ex-girlfriend. And the jokes. And you didn’t even say anything, after she left. Nothing. For most of our relationship, <em>I fought to stay with you</em>, but that one day, you didn’t say a single word to her, to show you wanted to be with me. I realized I was wrong. I would fight for us, but you wouldn’t. You told her it was just high school. That nothing lasts beyond high school. So why was I fighting? What was the point if I meant that little to you? There wasn’t any.” He stopped abruptly, then continued in a calmer voice. “I told my parents I’d re-thought everything. That starting earlier on special training was smart. I had to get away from you. I had to let you go. It was so hard in Seoul, but I’d learned what was important. Don’t hold on too long. Don’t expect anything to last. Because nothing will.”</p><p>San’s whole body felt cold. “I didn’t know you were fighting for us. Why didn’t you tell me?”</p><p>“Because if my parents had guessed it was because of you, they’d never have accepted it. And you’re not good at hiding your emotions, Sani.”</p><p>San raked a hand through his hair, taking a deep, shuddering breath. “If I’d just told her to leave us alone. Us. Something that small. Would that have counted?”</p><p>Yeosang nodded.</p><p>No.</p><p>“This way you have, of dealing with people, it’s because no one’s ever fought to keep you?”</p><p>Slowly, he nodded again.</p><p>No, no, no.</p><p>“I’m so sorry, Yeosang.”</p><p>“It’s okay. I let you go years back.”</p><p>“It’s not okay. You <em>hurt</em>. You hurt every single time you let people go.”</p><p>“I have to accept what people decide. Why fight, when I’m just going to lose?”</p><p>Yeosang turned to face Wooyoung. “You have to decide what you want. It’s okay to leave. You aren’t supposed to be in pain. It’s not supposed to bother you at all. I don’t know what else to tell you.”</p><p>He turned back to the door. “I’m just…going to go now. I hope the pictures turn out all right.”</p><p>The room felt small and empty after he left.</p><p>“San? Why?”</p><p>“It’s not what you really want. He saw right through you. It wasn’t going to work. It was never going to work.”</p><p>“He’s really gone.”</p><p>“I don’t…I don’t know. No one’s ever fought for him?”</p><p>“He never seemed to need help with other people.”</p><p>“I don’t mean like that. No one ever fought to keep him. Including my stupid self.”</p><p>“You made a mistake.”</p><p>“Yeah. A way bigger one than yours. But I didn’t even try to keep in contact with him, after he transferred. I didn’t even fight to keep him as a friend.”</p><p>“Don’t know that he’d have let you.”</p><p>“I’ll never know. Because I didn’t try.”</p><p>“Looks like we both lost. Again.”</p><p>“I don’t know. You were following his rules. I was…being tolerated, according to his idea of how everything works. But some things he said, when we were texting…I don’t think he wants to be like this. I think…if you want your friend back, if I want a real second chance, we can’t use his rules at all.”</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“Oh, come on. It’s obvious. Not the <em>how</em>, but the <em>way</em>. I wouldn’t have known, if I hadn’t pushed him. That makes it more difficult, of course, and I have no real ideas yet, but…the only possible way is twenty-feet tall, flashing neon lights obvious.”</p><p>“San.”</p><p>“Can’t you be telepathic?”</p><p>“<em>San</em>.”</p><p>“Fine. What’s the one thing no one’s ever done for him?”</p><p>“Fought to keep him.”</p><p>“Got it in one.”</p><p>“Are you serious?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“How?”</p><p>“Don’t know yet. But do you really think <em>I’d</em> be the soulmate if I had no chance at all?”</p><p>“He already rejected you.”</p><p>“What can I say? My soulmate is...difficult."</p><p>“You’re crazy.”</p><p>San raised his eyebrows inquiringly.</p><p>“And so am I.” Wooyoung rubbed his temples. “I don't want him gone forever. Where do we start?”</p><p>“Don’t know yet. We’ll have to think up ideas and try them out.”</p><p>“Oh, God.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I watched several videos about photography equipment....and while I now know some names, and what some things do, I abruptly realized I had no idea how they would look so....yeah. I used 1% of what I learned. Serious kudos to people who understand how all that stuff works (the umbrellas and scrims and different kinds of lighting).</p><p>For references for the poses, I used the photos from the fanclub kit......if you look on Twitter, you can find some of them still, I think? Also the unboxing videos on YouTube. Just imagine dark silver hair instead, and longer. :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Plan A, Part 1.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So...Chapter 5 got a LOT longer than expected, so another double update! Chapter 6 will be up as soon as I can format it. :)</p><p>Text Contact ID reminders for this chapter:<br/>Yeosang (KangYS): Wooyoung (MoreThanYouKnow) and Mingi (MostTrusted)</p><p>San (ChoiS): Wooyoung (LongLostTwin) and Seonghwa (Seonghwa-hyung) and Yunho (DanceGenius) and Mingi (PublishedAuthor) and Yeosang (Stubborn).</p><p>Used "New Group Chat" because so much formatting and everything in chapter already my brain fizzled. </p><p>The tango championship is real--see end notes for more.</p><p>The honorifics...some I know I used correctly, others were to make a point, story-wise, so...idk if would ever happen--please forgive, it was for story purposes, and none of the research explained what to do if you're going backwards...sigh.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yeosang<br/>
one week later</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
I e-mailed you the photos, Yeosang-ssi.<br/>
The photos I submitted for my class.<br/>
You said you hoped they turned out all right.<br/>
I think they did.<br/>
I thought maybe you might want to see them.</p><p>Yeosang-ssi? And semi-formal language. Was this Wooyoung’s way of trying to establish a proper distance? Rather like him to skip the process and go to the end result. Though no one he still spoke to had ever reverted to any kind of honorifics. It felt uncomfortable. At least he sounded confident, though, not frightened—that had been terrible to hear, despite everything.</p><p>He leaned back in his chair, away from the phone lying flat on his desk, and glanced back at the e-reader in his hands. He’d been sent the final version file of the second book, had read it through once, and was now reading again, highlighting the character names to keep the vocals distinct, and underlining the way they spoke their words. You had to know which lines to whisper before the sentence ended “he whispered.” He looked at his laptop. He could take a brief break for the photos.</p><p>Gently laying the e-reader next to his phone, he opened his e-mail. He was curious. For someone who took nearly the same selca every single time, Wooyoung had a remarkable eye for composition and balance in everything else. There’d been a photo of the sea, once…. The images downloaded and he scrolled slowly down. He hadn’t been sure about the perfume bottles, but those images almost looked like an advertisement. He smiled. Wooyoung would get a good grade.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
The stylist did a fantastic job.</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
….</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
You did, too!</p><p>He hesitated.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Wooyoung-ssi.</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
Thank you.<br/>
I did show them to her supervisor.<br/>
Every bit of credit you can get in this business is worth it.</p><p>Of course, he did. Wooyoung did always want what was best, for everyone…at least from his point of view. Yeosang sighed. Why did he and San have to meet? Why <em>couldn’t</em> San have moved to a different country?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Why didn’t you ask me about San?<br/>
Not necessarily during the last four years,<br/>
though it does make me uncomfortable,<br/>
that you knew him, and never said a word.<br/>
If he and I had just barely known each other,<br/>
I could understand, but it was more than that.<br/>
Not just the dating—I knew him for <em>years</em>, Wooyoung-ssi.<br/>
Between him telling you about our…encounter,<br/>
and you texting the group later, why didn’t<br/>
you ask me why I rejected him?<br/>
Didn’t it occur to you, that there must be a<br/>
very good reason for me to react like that,<br/>
when I’d known him for so long?<br/>
Or did that not matter, as long as you acted for San’s sake?</p><p>If there was any chance of them interacting with each other, in any way, he had to know.</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
Um…I thought, if you talked, being soulmates and all….<br/>
I thought it would make everything work?<br/>
It never made sense, for him to be stuck on you for seven years.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Ah. It was for him.<br/>
I see.</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
It wasn’t like that!<br/>
Maybe…maybe I was thinking more about him than you.<br/>
But not by that much!<br/>
I wanted you both to be happy, and soulmates<br/>
are supposed to make each other happy.<br/>
He said you were angry, and you’re almost never angry.<br/>
You’re right, Yeosang-ssi.<br/>
<em>That</em> should have stopped me.<br/>
I was too caught up.<br/>
I am so sorry.</p><p>It wasn’t surprising that Wooyoung genuinely believed soulmates were happily ever afters. Nearly everyone thought the same, even if reality was different. Soulmates didn’t heal each other’s wounds, or miraculously understand everything about the other person. There was more pressure on them as examples of “forever,” which was absurd and rather cruel since nothing lasted. How could they act as if every day was as full of bright hope as the first? It was horrible to contemplate the level of pain they’d experience when it all began to crumble. Yet they hid that, as far as he knew. It wasn’t a topic he’d ever wanted to learn much about. He had his hard-earned philosophy of life to guide him, and that was enough. Soulmates were only romantic <em>in concept</em>.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
But it didn’t stop you.<br/>
What is it you want from me?</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
To remain friends, Yeosang-ssi<br/>
Or, well, friendly.<br/>
You and me and Seonghwa-hyung.<br/>
Like a halfway second chance?<br/>
And if I can somehow make up for what I did…</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
You can’t.</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
What?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
You can’t make up for what you did.<br/>
It just isn’t possible.<br/>
But maybe with time I can…forgive it.</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
Oh!<br/>
Can I still talk to you, though?<br/>
Yeosang-ssi.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Why would you want to?</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
Because I miss you.</p><p>This was all San’s fault. For not speaking up years ago. For befriending Wooyoung—why couldn’t he have gone to a different university? Well…no. His song had been good. Their arts school made sense. If you wanted any future in music, Seoul was where you needed to be. It was why he, himself, was here. But who tells another person they’ve been categorically refused by their soulmate? Wouldn’t that be embarrassing? Not that San seemed capable of being embarrassed anymore.</p><p>The silence of the past week had briefly made him hope San finally understood <em>everything</em>. But then that had changed into…not anxiety, but suspicion. Being sorry for the past didn’t make him trustworthy. He’d keep popping up until he eventually—please, let it be sooner rather than later—gave way. Since Yeosang had zero desire for parental interference—he could <em>hear</em> his mother being excited about soulmates—he’d just have to tolerate San until then.</p><p>But San was still close friends to Wooyoung. To completely ignore Wooyoung would be difficult. And if he accepted Wooyoung back into his life, in some limited capacity, he had to let Seonghwa back in, too—he hadn’t done anything near as terrible as Wooyoung. It was just so awkward! And it wasn’t following any patterns he was used to. For now, maybe, he could accept this…friendliness. He <em>had</em> hoped their friendships would’ve lasted longer. He hadn’t been ready for them to just…end. It might not work. It might only work until San left. That actually seemed more likely. Relief trickled through him. Temporary. Temporary friendliness. He understood that.</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
Yeosang-ssi?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Okay. But just…from a distance for now.<br/>
Texting is…okay.</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
It is??<br/>
Then…can I start up that new group chat?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Why?</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
Well…we can check in on each other. Say hi.<br/>
A general chat is not as…focused?<br/>
And Yunho did really want to meet you, Yeosang-ssi.<br/>
Talk to you, I guess.<br/>
And San, um….</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
It would look strange if he weren’t included, I suppose.</p><p>Temporary.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Do not forget to add Mingi, Wooyoung-ssi.</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
Of course not!</p><p>San</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
He agreed to the new chat.<br/>
Using honorifics with him is <em>weird</em>.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Tough.<br/>
For him to believe you mean it, really mean it,<br/>
you’ve got to respect his boundaries<br/>
You’re a step above acquaintance right now,<br/>
using his logic.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Harsh.<br/>
He only agreed to let <em>you</em> in because it would look weird otherwise.<br/>
Since I’m introducing him to Yunho. Your roommate.<br/>
Bet he’s friendlier with him.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
It’s Yunho.<br/>
Of course, he’ll be.<br/>
Seonghwa-hyung is still on board?</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Reluctantly.<br/>
He thinks it might make matters worse.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
How can they get worse?<br/>
We don’t make any attempt, and he’s gone.<br/>
What’s more depressing than that?</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
He’s only been an active part of your life for less than two weeks.<br/>
Well.<br/>
Since years ago.<br/>
Sorry.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Did I forget him at any point?<br/>
No.<br/>
I couldn’t even stay with people who weren’t him,<br/>
back when I thought he was living a happy life.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
It sounds kinda…obsessive when you put it like that.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Not entirely my fault.<br/>
Blame the soft tofu of Fate.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
…<br/>
Are you hungry?</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
No. Nevermind.<br/>
It doesn’t matter.<br/>
Yeosang’s conditioned himself for a lifetime of pain,<br/>
to everyone leaving him being <em>normal</em>.<br/>
And that is…unbearable.<br/>
Yunho should be home from practice in about an hour.<br/>
And I do have songs to work on.<br/>
Wait ‘til then to start up the new chat, okay?</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
My schedule is irrelevant?</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
You left work two hours ago.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Fine.</p><p>[New Group Chat]</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
So, here it is!<br/>
Everyone knows everyone, except Yunho.<br/>
Well, he knows me and San.<br/>
Everyone else he doesn’t know.<br/>
They don’t know him.<br/>
Yet.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Let’s make intros quick?<br/>
He knows <em>about</em> all of you.</p><p>
  <strong>Seonghwa-hyung:</strong><br/>
You barely know me, San.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Wooyoung talks a lot about you,<br/>
when he’s over here at our place,<br/>
Seonghwa-hyung.<br/>
Yunho knows enough.</p><p>
  <strong>DanceGenius:</strong><br/>
You have no manners, San.<br/>
My name is Jeong Yunho.<br/>
I’m a choreography student.<br/>
I have the mixed fortune to share an apartment with San.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
And <em>that</em> is a display of manners?</p><p>
  <strong>DanceGenius:</strong><br/>
When Wooyoung is over, neither of you give me peace.</p><p>
  <strong>Seonghwa-hyung:</strong><br/>
I sympathize with you.<br/>
Wooyoung contrived a plot for me to be his roommate.<br/>
I fell for it.<br/>
I regret that decision, often.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Hyung!</p><p>
  <strong>Seonghwa-hyung:</strong><br/>
My name is Park Seonghwa.<br/>
I study arts management.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
You all know me.<br/>
And Wooyoung.<br/>
That leaves Yeosang-ssi.<br/>
And Mingi-ssi.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
Ah…Yeosang is just finishing reviewing the final chapter.<br/>
He’ll be a minute.<br/>
My name is Song Mingi.<br/>
I don’t go to college.<br/>
My mother and I, we write books together.<br/>
Yeosang narrated one of them last year.<br/>
It’s been adapted into a drama.<br/>
He recorded one of the OSTs for it!<br/>
Which, uh, San wrote.<br/>
We’re making it a series, though.<br/>
Yeosang’s going to narrate book two.</p><p>
  <strong>DanceGenius:</strong><br/>
Wait.<br/>
There’s going to be a book two?<br/>
It’s going to be a series??!!</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
No release date settled yet.<br/>
You’ve read the first book?</p><p>
  <strong>DanceGenius:</strong><br/>
Yes!<br/>
And I knew Yeosang-ssi narrated the first.<br/>
Wooyoung—or was it San? One of them said so.<br/>
But wow.<br/>
That makes you both kinda…celebrities.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
Not me! I’m just starting.<br/>
My mother’s really well-known, though.<br/>
Yeosang is maybe a little famous.<br/>
That military history a few years back?<br/>
He narrated it.<br/>
The author is my grandfather!<br/>
That’s how my mother and I met Yeosang.<br/>
And he’s got other OSTs!<br/>
One was filmed.<br/>
And he does voiceover work.</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Please stop, Mingi.<br/>
Kang Yeosang.<br/>
Part-time college.<br/>
Voice classes.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Voiceover work, Yeosang-ssi?</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
A few ads, San-ssi.<br/>
Other things.</p><p>“Is he always this brief?” Yunho asked.</p><p>“No. He’s not…comfortable yet.”</p><p>“Even with the whole…soulmate thing?”</p><p>“Already told you his views on that.”</p><p>“You think a group chat will change his mind?”</p><p>“It opens the door,” San said defensively. “It means he’ll actually talk to us. Sort of. It’s just the beginning.”</p><p>“No one’s saying anything right now.”</p><p>“Because he knows us. Wooyoung told him you wanted to meet him.”</p><p>“Well, I did. Do. Your soulmate. I mean. That’s a big deal.”</p><p>“Avoid talking about that.”</p><p>“Any other forbidden topics?”</p><p>“Not as far as I know.” San shrugged.</p><p>“You’re using me to get more information on him, aren’t you?”</p><p>“Slightly.”</p><p>
  <strong>DanceGenius:</strong><br/>
I like watching dramas when I have the time.<br/>
I’ll definitely watch the adaptation.<br/>
What does everyone else do?<br/>
For hobbies and things?</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Uh, you know most of mine, but…<br/>
Oh. I just started messing around with watercolors.</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Watercolors?<br/>
You’re doing more art, Wooyoung-ssi?</p><p>“Um. Hasn’t he known Wooyoung for six years? If he’s talking to him, after all you said happened, why’s he using honorifics? You, well…he hasn’t seen you in years. I get that. Sort of.”</p><p>“It’s part of the plan.”</p><p>“You have a plan.”</p><p>“Wooyoung and I do, yes.”</p><p>“Uh-huh.”</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Just playing around with a set I bought, Yeosang-ssi.<br/>
People paint watercolors from photos.<br/>
I thought maybe I could try.<br/>
Not doing great so far.</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
You only just started.<br/>
It’s okay.<br/>
Just keep trying.<br/>
You could take a fine arts class this fall, right?<br/>
If you like it, I mean.</p><p>“He doesn’t sound mad at him.”</p><p>“Because he isn’t.” It was working, a little bit. “He just hasn’t forgiven him.”</p><p>“But he’s talking to him.”</p><p>“Don’t try to make sense of it.”</p><p>
  <strong>Seonghwa-hyung:</strong><br/>
I like dramas, too.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
You <em>love</em> dramas, hyung.<br/>
That’s all you do, every night.<br/>
Watch dramas.<br/>
No going out.<br/>
No parties.<br/>
No dates.<br/>
Just dramas.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Not everyone likes a wildly active social life, Wooyoung.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
You go out with me!</p><p>**********<br/>
<strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Wooyoung, what the hell?<br/>
NOT HELPING.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Shit. I’m sorry. Name some hobby of yours!<br/>
**********</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Yunho knows almost all my habits.<br/>
But, um, I have a YouTube channel.<br/>
I upload covers and sometimes my own songs.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
I’m a subscriber to your channel, actually.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
What?</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
Yeah.<br/>
That music fusion project you posted?<br/>
The ballad and EDM mix?<br/>
I saw it on my recs, and then, hours later!<br/>
Liked and subscribed. All that.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Oh. I had no idea.<br/>
Did you ever leave comments?</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
Sometimes.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
What’s your username?<br/>
I wanna look up what you said.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
It’s embarrassing.<br/>
I can text it to you, though.<br/>
If you seriously…really want to know??<br/>
</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
I do!</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
He loves feedback.<br/>
He tries to read it all, but…</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
I figured.<br/>
Thousands of subscribers.<br/>
So many comments.<br/>
Username sent.<br/>
Nothing I wrote was that impressive, though.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Oh, it’s not embarrassing!<br/>
It’s cute.<br/>
But I won’t share.<br/>
Thank you, Mingi-ssi.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
You can just call me Mingi, if you want.<br/>
We’re same-years, and, well….<br/>
Yeah.<br/>
</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Oh, for fuck’s sake.<br/>
Quit dancing around it.<br/>
The Case of the Rejected Soulmate.<br/>
Literary enough?</p><p>“He really doesn’t hold back, does he?”</p><p>“Not so much.”</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
That’s one way to put it.</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
You want alternatives?<br/>
I can think of alternatives, San-ssi.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
No. It’s fine.</p><p>
  <strong>DanceGenius:</strong><br/>
Do you have hobbies, Yeosang-ssi?</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Some.<br/>
Nothing consistent.<br/>
Except some volunteer work.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
There was the dancing.<br/>
For a while.</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Mingi.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
Right.</p><p>“He dances?”</p><p>“I don’t know! He didn’t, before. Sounds like it was just briefly. Ask him!”</p><p>
  <strong>DanceGenius:</strong><br/>
You used to dance?<br/>
Where?<br/>
Maybe I know the studio?</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
I don’t remember.<br/>
Last year, I saw a brief mention of the Korean<br/>
International Tango Championship?<br/>
Didn’t even know we had such a thing.<br/>
Got a little curious, found a place.<br/>
The footwork was a challenge, but fun.<br/>
And my partner was charming.<br/>
We took classes together for a while.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
Hwanwoong-hyung was so nice!</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
I’m sure he still is.</p><p>
  <strong>DanceGenius:</strong><br/>
You wouldn’t be referring to Yeo Hwanwoong, would you?</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Yes.</p><p>
  <strong>DanceGenius:</strong><br/>
That’s kinda crazy, though—he’s in a lot of my classes!<br/>
I didn’t know he could tango…</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Don’t know if he kept it up.<br/>
We didn’t see each other for very long.<br/>
I got an offer for my first OST, so I dropped the dancing<br/>
for extra lessons with my vocal coach.</p><p>“Your soulmate has excellent taste, San. Hwanwoong-hyung is…well, he’s a lot shorter than I am, but he can dance to nearly everything! I wish I were that flexible.”</p><p>“Shut. Up.”</p><p>“Oh. I guess…not what you want to hear.”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
You know how to tango?<br/>
Yeosang-ssi.</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
I remember parts?<br/>
I think I was okay when we practiced.<br/>
Hwanwoong knows more about dancing than I do.<br/>
He’d have said something if I was awful.</p><p>“Not if the two of you were dating,” San muttered.</p><p>“Oh, no, he’d have said something. Or just suggested they stop the lessons. He’s nice, but I can’t imagine him dancing with someone who doesn’t at least have natural ability. Especially something as complicated as the tango can be. Or so I’ve heard. Never tried it, myself. Is Yeosang graceful?”</p><p>“Please drop it.”</p><p>“<em>You</em> pushed me to ask him about dancing.”</p><p>“Error on my part.”</p><p>**********<br/>
<strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Wooyoung.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
It’s fine.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Really?</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
I’m trying not to think about it.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
He never dates people for long.<br/>
And like I said, he doesn’t sleep with everyone he dates!<br/>
This guy might not have been interested!<br/>
Or Yeosang might not have!</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Now, you’re making it worse.<br/>
Shut up.<br/>
**********</p><p>
  <strong>Seonghwa-hyung:</strong><br/>
And that’s what arts management students study.</p><p>
  <strong>DanceGenius:</strong><br/>
Huh. Makes sense.</p><p>
  <strong>Seonghwa-hyung:</strong><br/>
Yeosang-ssi…<br/>
When will you be recording this second book?<br/>
That Mingi and his mother wrote.</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
I need to do full run-throughs at home, first, Seonghwa-ssi.<br/>
Waste time and money, otherwise.<br/>
But probably next week.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Does it take a long time, Yeosang-ssi?</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
A few days. They might call me back to re-record parts.</p><p>“Wow. A sentence and a half.”</p><p>“It’s part of the plan.”</p><p>“You said that before. I don’t think you actually have one.”</p><p>“We do, too.”</p><p>
  <strong>Seonghwa-hyung:</strong><br/>
Yunho-ssi, do you like to cook?</p><p>
  <strong>DanceGenius:</strong><br/>
Um. A little?</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Raw pancakes.</p><p>
  <strong>Seonghwa-hyung:</strong><br/>
Oh, my.<br/>
You and San are more than welcome to come here.<br/>
For dinner. If everyone’s schedules line up.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
This is why I love my roommate.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
How and why he puts up with you…<br/>
A mystery never to be solved.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
I’m very lovable.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Yes.<br/>
But also.<br/>
Egotistic.</p><p>
  <strong>Seonghwa-hyung:</strong><br/>
A classic song.</p><p>
  <strong>DanceGenius:</strong><br/>
I don’t follow.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
And now that dinner invite includes a mini marathon of girl group songs.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Sung by Seonghwa-hyung?<br/>
Or just watching music videos?</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Hm. Depends on if there’s soju involved? ;)</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Wooyoung-ssi, do you prefer convenience store ramen<br/>
to home-cooked meals?</p><p>
  <strong>Seonghwa-hyung:</strong><br/>
Thank you, Yeosang-ssi.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
What just happened?</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Someone intervened to remind you to be grateful.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Oh? Oh! Yes.</p><p>**********<br/>
<strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Mingi wants to know if he can text you directly.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Not in the group chat?</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
It’s a question directed to <em>you</em>.<br/>
No one else needs to hear about it.<br/>
Though, obviously, you can tell whomever you wish.<br/>
But preferably later.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Um, sure?</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Good.<br/>
Now I can leave for the gym.</p><p>The gym. Was that a regular thing? Or did he just want out of the conversation? Maybe both? Everything had to feel a little weird to him right now—a key point of the plan.<br/>
</p><p>**********<br/>
<strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
San-ssi?</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Just San.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
Then the honorifics are only for Yeosang’s…<br/>
I won’t call it a benefit.</p><p>Maybe he shouldn’t have eased up so fast.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
It seemed a practical choice,<br/>
though different from how<br/>
he usually handles things.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
Hm.<br/>
Practical.<br/>
I wanted to talk to you for a different reason, though.<br/>
My mother has always wanted to write a book about soulmates.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Okay…</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
She interviewed dozens.<br/>
They’re all similar.<br/>
They go on and on about how lucky they feel.<br/>
How happy they are.<br/>
Well, the ones who’ve been together longer, they’re a little quieter.<br/>
But you and Yeosang are different.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
He would never agree to be interviewed.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
I know.<br/>
I told her…enough…of what Yeosang told me.<br/>
He knew I’d tell her, by the way.<br/>
But I told her enough, she understands why it’s…different.<br/>
She wants to interview <em>you</em>.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Why?</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
Because she’s never heard of a soulmate being turned away.<br/>
She thinks it could be an interesting story.<br/>
She’d change the details, of course,<br/>
but your insights would help.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Yeosang is okay with this?</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
He said it’s your choice.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
He would.</p><p>Following his rules again. He wondered what rationale he’d come up with to justify joining the group chat. Maybe he was going to pretend last week’s outburst of truth had never happened? Maybe he thought it didn’t make any difference. Couldn’t let that continue.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Okay. But only if you do the interviewing.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
Me?</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Yes. She can give you questions.<br/>
You can add your own.<br/>
I’m not inviting a stranger to my apartment.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
We could meet at a café?</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Not discussing this topic anywhere public.<br/>
You free tomorrow morning?</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
I can be…<br/>
You’re sure?<br/>
I’ve never done this before.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Positive.<br/>
You know Yeosang.<br/>
What he told you will give context to what I say.<br/>
I’ll text you our apartment address.<br/>
10:00 a.m. okay?</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
Yunho?</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Summer classes and practice.<br/>
Just me and you.<br/>
See you tomorrow.</p><p>Mingi<br/>
the following day</p><p>Mingi looked around the apartment, notes clutched in one hand. It was bigger than he’d expected, for two college students. San returned to the living area from the kitchenette, handing him a soda.</p><p>“This good?” he asked.</p><p>“Uh, yeah.” He set the papers down next to him on the small sofa, uncapped the drink and took a few swallows. San looked at him curiously.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Are you going to write down my answers, or memorize them, or what?”</p><p>“Oh. No. If it’s okay with you, I was going to record them.” He set the bottle down on the side table and pulled out his cell phone. “With this.”</p><p>“Hm. Wouldn’t want to risk losing audio.” He stepped around Mingi and dropped onto the other sofa cushion, facing him. “So? What do the authors want to know?” He smiled, slight dimples appearing.</p><p>This was so…awkward. But if it had been his mother, oh, God, that would have been worse. He’d transcribe it all later, he decided. Nothing that would embarrass Yeosang could be handed over—and he had no idea how San would respond to any of the questions. He smoothed out the notes he’d typed out last night, and turned on the voice recording app.</p><p>“What did it feel like to discover your soulmate?”</p><p>San pulled one knee up, and hooked his elbow around it.</p><p>“For about one second, like the most glorious, unbelievable second chance ever given. That feeling crashed pretty quick, though.” He sighed. “So, I guess…elation, confusion, frustration.”</p><p>“Nothing…out of the ordinary?”</p><p>“Isn’t it already out of the ordinary, that high school exes turned out to be soulmates?”</p><p>“Maybe not if you’d stayed together.” Not one of the questions, but it bothered him. If San hadn’t been a coward, Yeosang wouldn’t have changed so much. Maybe he wouldn’t have met Yeosang, then, but the fact remained San was <em>the </em>reason his friend believed every relationship had a definite, if unknown, length. And the impact that had….</p><p>“It eats at you, doesn’t it?” San asked abruptly.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You’re the first person to learn it, beforehand, aren’t you? That any day could be the last day. That he doesn’t want it to happen, but expects it to happen. And it’s his <em>perception</em>, not always reality, so you might not even know <em>why</em> he’s slowly slipping away. The knowledge just sits there in your brain, that you will lose him, and not be able to stop it.”</p><p>Mingi turned off the app. The anxiety he barely kept suppressed—not something he wanted recorded.</p><p>“He’s the first person who never made fun of me.” He cleared his throat. “For still living at home. For working with my mom. For not going to college. For my mom being my best friend. Do you know how much shit I got for that, in high school?”</p><p>“I’d guess it was awful,” San said quietly.</p><p>“I wanted to drop out. But I couldn’t. My mom, my grandfather…I couldn’t humiliate them. As soon as I graduated, I enlisted. That wasn’t great, either, but being ignored is better than being mocked.” He was silent for a few seconds. “I met Yeosang a few months after discharge. My grandfather—he lives not far from where Yeosang lived, during high school, with his vocal coach and the guy’s family. He heard him at the library, same neighborhood—where you should never have come—Yeosang’s been going there for <em>years</em>, reading to kids.”</p><p>“He did that, back home, too. He’s good at it. He doesn’t act like they’re too slow to understand, so they like him. They trust him.”</p><p>“You just saw him one time.”</p><p>San looked at him steadily. “I went with him to every reading, back home. It was like a flashback, last week. That part of him hasn’t changed.”</p><p>“<em>That</em> part.”</p><p>“I know. Believe me, I know. But your grandfather heard him reading to kids and thought hey, this kid would be great at reading battle sequences?” He sounded skeptical.</p><p>“He was <em>patient</em>. He didn’t rush his reading. But, no, he didn’t jump straight to that. My grandfather wanted someone to read his drafts to him. He asked a librarian if she knew who Yeosang was. When he found out who he was studying with, well, it was easy. He just contacted the teacher. Practice for Yeosang, helpful to my grandfather. The book came out when we were in service—I didn’t think it’d catch that much attention, but I was wrong. They wanted to do an audiobook, and he agreed—but he said it had to be Yeosang.”</p><p>“Agents aren’t that cooperative.”</p><p>Mingi shrugged. “They are when you’re a famous retired general, whose daughter is a pretty famous popular novelist.”</p><p>“I take your point. But the audiobook didn’t come out until late summer. Didn’t you both get out of the military in February?”</p><p>“You know that much?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>Mingi waited. San didn’t elaborate. Why were they even talking about this?</p><p>“Why late summer?”</p><p>Oh, yeah. Yeosang had said San was persistent.</p><p>“He’d never recorded anything before. People in the field were hostile towards him. He practiced for months before he even set foot in a studio. And audiobooks are kinda like…well, films? Multiple takes, for the right inflection or tone. I don’t know. But I met him, during that time. When he needed a break in practicing, he came over to my house, and we played video games. I had a <em>friend</em>, for the first time in I don’t know how long, who was simply happy to hang out. A friend who liked me and my kind of intense mom, and my sort of overpowering grandfather. And he didn’t disappear when the recording was done. The audiobook <em>sold</em>, and he was still around. My mom forced him to get an agent, and he went to auditions, got some voiceover work…and he was still around. Not, like, at our house all the time, but he was still my friend. And then <em>you</em> happened. And, yeah, I found out how his mind works. And it terrified me. He tried to reassure me, that he wouldn’t leave until <em>I</em> had more pressing things. As if keeping him as a friend wouldn’t still be important!”</p><p>He glared at San. “It’s all <em>your fault</em>.” Shit. He hadn’t meant to say that. He’d wanted to, but he hadn’t meant to. It was so childish.</p><p>“A lot of it is…but I didn’t know.”</p><p>Now he felt more embarrassed. He briefly looked away from San. “Yeah, well…I guess you weren’t expecting him to react like that to you not saying anything on one day.”</p><p>“It’s more complicated than that. I thought he broke up with me because of the school transfer. It <em>was</em> a golden opportunity. It made sense. It felt cruel, but I understood.” San took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “It wasn’t that. He knew about the transfer offer earlier. He was going to decline, because of me, despite his parents’ pressuring him. He spent weeks arguing with them, and I never knew.”</p><p>Mingi’s eyes were wide. “He argued with his parents. About something he’d worked his whole life for. That his mother had trained him for. For you. And you still fucked it up?”</p><p>San winced. “I didn’t know.”</p><p>“How could you not know?” Mingi demanded. “You were <em>dating</em>.”</p><p>“Because he didn’t tell me—which was…actually smart. All his arguments with his parents against going, none related to me—because if any <em>had</em> brought me up…they were actually tolerating their son <em>dating a boy</em>. Quietly, you know, but they were. But for that to stand in the way of his future? They’d never have accepted that as a reason. If he’d told me…I’m better now, but back then? You could read every thought in my face. They’d have known. He thought he could postpone it. Stay…stay with me.” San closed his eyes for several breaths, then opened them again. “The day—<em>that damn day</em>—I don’t remember why I didn’t say anything. I just remember getting nervous. My ex-girlfriend was joking with me and my very hush-hush so we didn’t get bullied or beaten up by people at school, very soft-hearted boyfriend…about marriage, and I panicked. It’s not <em>as</em> bad in Seoul, but where we lived?”</p><p>“He, um, made that clear. Needing to be careful.”</p><p>“I just wanted her to stop. She didn’t get how big a deal it was, but there was never a point arguing with her. I guess…I guess I thought if I went along with it, she’d leave quicker. But that was the worst mistake I could have made. To Yeosang, it meant I wasn’t going to fight for us,” he said bleakly. “With the tension and pressure he was under at home, my stupid, throwaway words must have seemed a terrifying dose of reality. If I’d understood that, maybe I could have changed his mind. But he’d already told his parents. And I didn’t know. Until last week. At the photoshoot. Because I…I got mad at how Wooyoung was outright pleading to be told <em>how to act not to lose him</em>. It wasn’t fair. I snapped at Yeosang, and I got my answer. It wasn’t fair, either, but life isn’t that fair. I <em>started</em> it all, Mingi, but it wasn’t just me. I was the first person not to fight to keep him.” San roughly rubbed a hand against his knee. “I asked him if anyone ever had. They hadn’t.”</p><p>“He was friends with Wooyoung and Seonghwa. I know there were others,” Mingi said confusedly.</p><p>“No.” San shook his head dismissively. “Not fighting to stand up for him. Fighting to <em>keep</em> him. Some people might have noticed when he started pulling away. Though a new student in high school, maybe not. Then enlistment.” He made a dismissive noise. “But after that? People he dated, or befriended? None of them. He said to me, why fight, when I know I’ll lose? There’s probably a paradox in there. Who would fight to keep him, if they picked up him letting them go? They’d have to really want him. But he’d made it clear he wasn’t interested in anything long-term. Or maybe it was settled in his head before then. I don’t know. That’s got to be the key. If you feel like he’s pulling away, <em>fight to keep him</em>. It’s the plan Wooyoung and I have going.”</p><p>“Wait.” Mingi pulled back. “You and Wooyoung have a plan?”</p><p>“It’s more an idea, with some strong details, but it’s the only thing I can think of. He’d said he’s not happy losing friends, right?”</p><p>“Yeah…”</p><p>“He does what he does to minimize that pain.”</p><p>“Partly, but—”</p><p>“<em>Mostly</em>. What you said about him, when you met him, that’s him. His almost immediate encouragement of Wooyoung—despite their rift—to keep up with the watercolors, that’s him. Expecting people to leave is just like…emotional self-defense. In advance. We plan to fight to keep him. Just…slowly.”</p><p>“Um. How?”</p><p>“By not acting like he expects us to act. Confuse him enough to make him re-think. That’s just the start.”</p><p>“There is no way that will work.”</p><p>“You think that just because no one’s ever tried it. I’m not going to lose him again. I spent seven years trying to get over him, and failing, thinking at least he was okay—and I find out he’s not. And <em>then</em> I find out he’s my soulmate. How the fuck could I live with myself if I let him live out a future where every day, he expects loss and pain? How could anyone who’s a friend of his, live with that? Wooyoung can’t. Can you?” He stared challengingly at Mingi.</p><p>He wanted to help. But their plan was so…iffy. Then again…after that one conversation with San, Yeosang <em>had</em> referred to him as ‘my soulmate’—and then tried to brush it off. He’d said…he’d said he didn’t want San, but hadn’t he then said something about him leaving? Like maybe he <em>did</em> want him, but was too used to how things worked to expect anything different. He didn’t know. Yeosang wasn’t going to tell him <em>those</em> kinds of things. It was such a gamble.</p><p>“I…I don’t want to lose him.”</p><p>“If you don’t fight to keep him, one day, you will.”</p><p>“If you and Wooyoung fail, he <em>has</em> to have someone left to trust.”</p><p>“You don’t have to help us—just don’t stand in the way. I am not giving up on him again.”</p><p>Yeosang was the only person Mingi had ever met who actively, strongly disliked the idea of soulmates. His mother had been so startled when he’d told her—she said the only times she’d found evidence of soulmates <em>not</em> being together was when it was, quite literally, impossible. Why would soulmates even exist if they weren’t supposed to be together? And how could he call himself a friend if he didn’t let them try to change what sounded like a miserable future?</p><p>He couldn’t.</p><p>“Okay.” This was frightening. “Okay.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Korea International Tango Championship seems to have existed since 2014, from what I could find online. You can find videos on YouTube from past semi-finals and finals. In 2019, actually, two men danced together. Anyway, one article I read mentioned a tango instructor who began teaching classes in Korea in 2005! I picked Hwanwoong 'cause ONEUS/ATEEZ and he's a great dancer.....plus I bet he'd totally try the tango if challenged. ;) </p><p>Audiobook recording still confuses me, but it does seem like they sometimes do multiple takes, though whole actual process, depending on book length, is usually only a few days? Couldn't figure it out for sure. :( BUT, I saw videos where readers were highlighting names to keep things consistent, and marking adverbs, and apparently e-readers are preferred over paper 'cause no noise.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Plan A, Part 2.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>What you think you know, you might not.<br/>----<br/>Text Contact ID reminders for this chapter:</p><p>Yeosang (KangYS): San (NeverYou) and Mingi (MostTrusted)</p><p>San (ChoiS): Mingi (PublishedAuthor) and Wooyoung (LongLostTwin)</p><p>(Also, tho it's in the tags, some sex talk in this chapter.)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yeosang<br/>
a few days later</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Why did I just get a phone call from my agent<br/>
that your agent contacted him about the two<br/>
of us and a collab on your YouTube channel?<br/>
</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
My agent knows I wrote the OST you sang.<br/>
He figured it’d be good timing.<br/>
I <em>do</em> have a lot of followers, Yeosang-ssi.<br/>
You can ask Mingi.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
And hear him rave about your talented singing, San-ssi?</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Did you just praise me yourself?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
No. That’s his opinion.<br/>
I’ll grant your song was very good, but<br/>
I’ve no idea what you’ve done,<br/>
vocally, since I left home.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
You haven’t checked out my channel, Yeosang-ssi?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
No.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Even though your agent mentioned a collab?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I’ve been practicing my narration for the novel.<br/>
Set to start recording this week.<br/>
It has much higher importance, San-ssi.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
You took a break to text me.<br/>
Look it up now, Yeosang-ssi?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
….<br/>
Fine.<br/>
What’s the name?</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
The same as when you helped me set it up in 2015.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
You cannot be serious.<br/>
Mountain Music?</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
You remember!</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
It’s too lame to forget.</p><p>Mountain Music. They’d thought themselves so clever. Playing with San’s name like that. Huh. Well, the site design was good and—whoa.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
You have HOW many followers?</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Would your agent consider it if the number were smaller, Yeosang-ssi?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Probably not, but…<br/>
Huh.<br/>
I’m impressed.<br/>
</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Praise!<br/>
Thank you, Yeosang-ssi.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Why are you doing this?</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Wanting to work with you?<br/>
To further both our careers.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
No, dammit.<br/>
The honorifics.<br/>
Last week, the chat was full of them.<br/>
Now, it’s every few seconds.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Oh, well…it doesn’t seem fair in a group chat,<br/>
to have Wooyoung and Seonghwa be the<br/>
only ones to use honorifics with you.<br/>
And Yunho, since he’s just barely met you.</p><p>Yeosang pressed his lips together. It made a hateful sort of logic, but it was so <em>irritating</em>. However, that was the chat. This wasn’t.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
This is just you and me, though.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
The last time I saw you in person…<br/>
That was a lot to process.<br/>
I thought I should take a step back.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I told you, privately, that you and Wooyoung<br/>
and Seonghwa…it’s all different.<br/>
You’re…different.<br/>
You haven’t done anything terrible.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
I found out last week, I <em>did</em> do something terrible.<br/>
That entirely altered how you live your life.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I let it go, okay? A long time ago.<br/>
I knew you growing up.<br/>
We were best friends before anything else.<br/>
Then <em>that</em>.<br/>
Now the shapeless, formless, thoughtless,<br/>
senseless, witless wonders of the world<br/>
have interfered, which isn’t your fault<br/>
at all, so…honorifics seem stupid.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Shapeless, formless, thoughtless…<br/>
Well. More creative than blobby.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Not the point.<br/>
It’s annoying.<br/>
It’s almost uncomfortable enough<br/>
to make me mute the new chat.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Oh! Well. What do you suggest?</p><p>Why was it on him? Wooyoung had chosen San. Seonghwa had chosen Wooyoung. No one had asked him anything before jumping to conclusions about what would be <em>perfect</em>. For them.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
It’s their decision.<br/>
I have to respect that.</p><p>Which he did, though it made him feel singled out. Everyone else all normal, but him. Nothing had been normal since that day with the OST, and the soulmate thing. Nothing. Damn the blobs to hell.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
If you…if you really feel you need to use honorifics here…<br/>
Then fine. I’ll respect that, too, San-ssi.</p><p>This was going to be exhausting. Even if it was temporary. He’d forgotten that. San being part of his life again was making him forget things. And remember others. Creating a mess he kept shoving to the back of his mind.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
No!<br/>
I mean, I don’t feel bound to that.<br/>
Just texting you.<br/>
The group chat…that’ll just be separate?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Seems like.<br/>
Good.<br/>
Why am I staring at this YouTube page, San?</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
So you can listen to some of the videos.<br/>
Decide if a collab would be professionally advantageous.<br/>
There are songs I’ve written that aren’t up there.<br/>
Quite a few in that category of having two versions:<br/>
one written in my range, one written in yours.<br/>
So just…scroll through and listen/watch, I guess?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Okay.</p><p>So many videos, so many followers. It wouldn’t be a bad idea, professionally. The timing was good. To sing <em>with</em> San, though…that would depend on the kind of song. No way had San forgotten the training he’d received at the same time as Yeosang. Granted, living with your vocal coach meant you got more of it, but the same principles had been taught. The same techniques. He’d had a sweet voice in 2015. He clicked on the latest upload, a cover. Hm. It was…well, it was very good. He’d extended his range. And he did seem…immersed in the story of the song, even if the lyrics were a bit…standard. Not as good as what he’d written, himself. He closed the video and scrolled down. Ah. Original song.</p><p>Better. So much better. Which obviously made sense, since he’d written it specifically for his own range. Aside from that, though, it was rather lovely. Charming, even. This was San. So different from the boy he’d known and…loved. It had taken so long for that love to simmer down to nothing. He’d just ignored it, at first. Pretended it wasn’t there. It had hurt too much. He’d been so busy with the new school, and the new vocal lessons, making friends…. Then after he’d retrained his mind, there had been other people, too, to meet. Nothing serious, of course. It was, as he knew so well, just high school. The song ended.</p><p>He wasn’t interested in covers. He scrolled down again, found another original song, and began the video. It was like going back in time, he thought. The first video had looked just like San did now. The second, fairly close. This third…a little less so. He still sounded good, of course. He caught the refrain the second time, and hummed along. It was…cute? Well, San could be cute. At least, he used to be.</p><p>The next original song had been uploaded…the same day? Huh. He started it up, then sat bolt upright. Not cute. He paused it.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
You have no shame.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
I haven’t claimed to have any?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
The cute song uploaded right after <em>that</em>?</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Oh. Hah! Look at the upload date.</p><p>He clicked on the screen. April 1.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Shouldn’t you have uploaded the cute one first,<br/>
then the sexy one?<br/>
Or, I dunno, stopped in the middle and switched?</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
It was mostly to amuse myself.<br/>
It <em>is</em> supposed to be a way to get myself noticed professionally.<br/>
Not to be silly.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
If you say so.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Which did you like better?<br/>
The cute one or the sexy one?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I paused the sexy one as soon as I realized the switch.<br/>
I’ll go back and listen to it now.</p><p>Now he had to listen to it. He shouldn’t have said anything. With grim purpose, he clicked play. The lyrics were within the bounds of decency, but only just. Idly, he scrolled to the comments section. Quite a variety of comments. Hm…. He laughed, then paused the video again.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
What’s Mingi’s secret YouTube username?</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Why do you think it’s secret?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I know the one he normally uses.<br/>
It’s not embarrassing in the slightest.<br/>
So he must have a secret account.<br/>
Curious to see if he left a comment on the sexy song video. ;)</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
First of all, I’m not telling you. He wanted it private.<br/>
Secondly…I don’t want to think about that.<br/>
So I won’t be looking for his name in any of those videos.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
There’s more than one in the same style?</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Yes?<br/>
Sometimes I had excellent muses.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I suppose that’s a benefit to longer-term relationships.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Were all yours that short?</p><p>All his? How many people did San think he’d slept with? Maybe he just meant dated? Hm.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
None very long.<br/>
Some on and off.<br/>
Technically, the on and off ones never ended, though.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Does that mean you still see them?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
If they were available and I was available—<br/>
and we were both still interested—<br/>
then, yeah, I could.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Oh.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Going back to the song.<br/>
Not as amusing now that I can’t hunt for Mingi’s secret name.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
You think that song is amusing?</p><p><strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
No. It’s very…hm…thought-provoking.<br/>
The comments are also…thought-provoking.<br/>
Seducing people through a screen<br/>
with a song and a lovely voice.<br/>
I’m more impressed by that than the number of subscribers.<br/>
That’s talent.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Okay.<br/>
Thank you.</p><p>Yeosang clicked back to the video and listened to the rest of the song. When he closed the video he noticed the difference in the number of views. Hm. He bet the highest views were for the “sexy” songs. Or possibly the most beautiful. He didn’t really need to listen to that many more songs to be convinced that a collaboration could work. And the timing was, again, good. Just have to figure out the kind of song. Ah, another video with high views. Beautiful…but sad. Longing for someone who’d left. His jaw tensed. OST material…in fact…it almost sounded like…</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
The sad but pretty OST sort of song.<br/>
It sounds familiar.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Sad but pretty, and familiar?<br/>
Oh!! Yeah.<br/>
One of those really short weekend dramas needed a song.<br/>
One of their cast members is a subscriber.<br/>
She showed the PD, they asked me to change some parts.<br/>
You saw it?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I must have, if it sounds familiar.<br/>
I’ve listened to enough.<br/>
I’ll tell my agent I’m cool with it.<br/>
But we need to decide what kind of song.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Well, you listened to a few styles.<br/>
What’s your preference?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Not cute. Wouldn’t help the OST career.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Good point.<br/>
Sexy?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
No. I can’t sing a sexy-style song with you.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Why not?<br/>
I have some like that, already written.<br/>
In the category I mentioned.<br/>
You might like some of those,<br/>
and that would save us time.<br/>
And timing is rather important here.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
<br/>
I haven’t had months and months of singing<br/>
in front of a camera, like you have.<br/>
That one OST that was filmed, it was a ballad.<br/>
And I was singing alone.<br/>
Most of the video was made of scenes from the drama, anyway.<br/>
To sing that kind of song as a duet…<br/>
I couldn’t do that without there being<br/>
some level of intimacy.<br/>
It wouldn’t sound…authentic.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Yeosang…we did date.<br/>
Granted, it was quite a while back,<br/>
but it wasn’t like we fish-kissed our way<br/>
through that relationship.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Why would you--no, nevermind.<br/>
I get what you mean.</p><p>He couldn’t remember every kiss and every touch, but the first ones? He recalled those perfectly. However…</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
We were never at the level of intimacy<br/>
I’m referring to.<br/>
Not for a “sexy” song.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Not then, no.<br/>
But now…</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Don’t refer back to your offer from two weeks ago.<br/>
I’m not <em>that</em> lonely.</p><p>He scrolled back to the previous song and listened for a little while.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I just went back to the song. All those comments<br/>
are because you made them believe you meant<br/>
and felt all the lyrics.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
It was just a performance.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
When I record?<br/>
I’m almost never seen.<br/>
If it hadn’t been for that one spliced OST video,<br/>
there’d be no visual evidence of me, anywhere.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Incorrect.<br/>
Wooyoung’s photos.<br/>
Now part of his portfolio.<br/>
Those were gorgeous.<br/>
And some of them were—what was that word he told you to be?<br/>
Oh, yes.<br/>
Sultry.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Those were just for photos.<br/>
He’s taken my photos for years.<br/>
Practice shots, or whatever.<br/>
I’m used to it.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Same idea as me and the song.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Not even remotely.<br/>
A photo is over in an instant.<br/>
A song is several minutes.<br/>
A video can be replayed over and over again.<br/>
And if it’s not believable it won’t help me, or you.<br/>
I can’t persuasively sing—in front of a camera—<br/>
anything like that, <em>with you</em>.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
I could. With you.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
San. Don’t.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
There was one pose last week.<br/>
It was weird, and I guess it was just the angle.<br/>
But it felt like you were looking through the camera, at me.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
San.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Were you?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Yes.<br/>
Moment of weakness.<br/>
It passed.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
That’s…wow.<br/>
So why can’t we?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Why can’t we what?</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Be as intimate as you need to be, to be able to sing a song like that.</p><p>Yeosang dropped his phone.</p><p>“Shit.”</p><p>Why San? Everything had been normal until that day. And now he just…kept having to remind himself it was temporary, kept having to tell himself he’d stopped having any feelings for him years and years ago, kept having to push away that wickedly vibrant shock of soulmate recognition, and stop himself from wondering about possibilities that could never happen. Not when they were who they were.</p><p>He picked up his phone. Not cracked. Good.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
What is it you really want, San?</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
You.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Can’t happen.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Why not?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Because you want more than I’m willing to give.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Yeosang…<br/>
If we’d met last week, for the first time.<br/>
Say we’d never met before.<br/>
Would this be playing out differently?</p><p>This was cruel. He switched to his contacts list and skimmed down…there.</p><p>“Minjee-yah? Do you have a class tonight? You do? Oh…. It’s just beginners? Then you won’t be that tired afterwards, right? Can we meet up? Yeah. I’m just…yeah. Stop laughing. I’ll see you in a few hours.”</p><p>He took several calming breaths. He could handle this.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Don’t ask such questions.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Would you have reacted differently?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I don’t like soulmates.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Pretend that we aren’t.<br/>
If Wooyoung had just introduced us last week,<br/>
would this be different?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Probably.</p><p>Stop talking. He needed to stop talking. He needed to calm down, and get his thoughts under control again. Minjee. He was seeing Minjee soon. She always helped when he was stressed.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
But I’m not going to discuss this.<br/>
We are who we are.<br/>
And I need to stop chatting right now anyway.<br/>
I need to email my agent.<br/>
And then I have a date to get ready for.<br/>
Sorry, San.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
A date.<br/>
That’s rather sudden.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Not sudden.<br/>
I called her earlier—she’s free tonight.</p><p>He <em>had </em>called her earlier. Just not as early as what he wrote made it sound.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
She’s got a tricky schedule.<br/>
We can discuss songs some other time, okay?<br/>
Bye.</p><p>San</p><p>A date. He had…a date. That was not expected.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Mingi.<br/>
Why didn’t you tell me Yeosang is dating someone?</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
He’s not.<br/>
Well.<br/>
That I know of.<br/>
Wooyoung was always more up to date on his...pursuits.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
So he could have made it up?<br/>
He said she had a tricky schedule.<br/>
That sounds weird.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
Oh.<br/>
No.<br/>
He didn’t make that up.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
You know who she is??</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
I think so.<br/>
Did he seem stressed?</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
On edge.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
Any reason why?</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
I…might have pushed too far in a line of questioning.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
San! If you want a second chance, he has to trust you.<br/>
You can’t push him too far.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
I get that.<br/>
But who is she?<br/>
One of his on and off people?</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
You could say that.<br/>
Just…leave it alone.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
I can’t leave it alone.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
Well, you’ll have to!<br/>
I’m not giving you any more information.<br/>
Back off.<br/>
Don’t push him.</p><p>**********<br/>
<strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Wooyoung, do you know anything<br/>
about a woman Yeosang sees<br/>
when he’s stressed?<br/>
Mingi knows, but won’t tell me.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Sees as in dates??</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Yes. He said he had a date tonight.<br/>
Someone who has a tricky schedule.<br/>
Mingi asked if he was stressed.<br/>
I said he was on edge.<br/>
All Mingi said is she’s one of his on/off people.<br/>
I’m kind of…panicking, Wooyoung.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Okay, first, calm down.<br/>
Second…that’s gotta be Minjee.<br/>
What the hell did you do to make him that stressed?</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
I just…asked if things would be different.<br/>
If he’d met me for the first time last week.<br/>
And he kept avoiding answering.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
He didn’t want to answer.<br/>
That’s…interesting.<br/>
Um.<br/>
I know where they meet.<br/>
She works at a gym.<br/>
She’s a jujitsu trainer.<br/>
His. Sort of.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Jujitsu?</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
After he got out of service, practicing for the audiobook made him stressed.<br/>
Someone—I don’t know who—suggested martial arts.<br/>
For focus.<br/>
That was 2020, you know.<br/>
You and I were both still in.<br/>
Anyway.<br/>
Another friend recommended jujitsu.<br/>
He took classes most of that year.<br/>
One of the teacher aides was his age.<br/>
She’d trained for years.<br/>
She got her teacher licensure last year.<br/>
He started getting work, and couldn’t do classes regularly.<br/>
So sometimes he calls her, and they meet and spar a little.<br/>
Clears his mind.<br/>
It’ll be fine.<br/>
It’s not a date-date.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Then why’d Mingi say she was an on/off person?</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Um.<br/>
Well.<br/>
For a while.<br/>
Yes.<br/>
But not, I think…in a long time.<br/>
Shit.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Text me the address.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Absolutely not.<br/>
You’re soulmates, okay, I get it.<br/>
But you don’t have any actual…claim on him.<br/>
Nothing he acknowledges.<br/>
So, no.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Wooyoung. At your photo shoot.<br/>
Do you remember the standing pose,<br/>
where it was like he was looking<br/>
through your camera?</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Yes?</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
He point-blank admitted he was looking <em>at me</em>.<br/>
He called it a moment of weakness.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Oh. Oh, hell.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
He said if you’d introduced us this last week,<br/>
with no prior knowledge,<br/>
things could have been different.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
I’m going to regret this.<br/>
I just know it.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
You’ll text me the address?</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Yes.<br/>
But it’s a private gym.<br/>
You’ll have to dress nice.<br/>
And pay for a day trial, though it’s already late.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Don’t care.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
I still think you should wait.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
He said on again, off again.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Dammit.</p><p>San had been in the gym for over an hour. After the tour, he’d changed, and, anxiety eating away at him, gone straight for the treadmills. He was crazy. This was crazy. Yeosang would think he was crazy. He pushed his hair away from his face and kept running. One of the staffers had proudly explained they had full classes for jujitsu students. The lead teacher was so enthused and helpful, he said, as he led San past the room. One glance had made San feel even more uneasy. Whatever moves they were practicing were very close contact. In another context, the initial straddling position looked…he wasn’t going to think about it. He heard the students filing out, and began slowing his pace.</p><p>What was he doing here? This wasn’t like him. But if he left now, he just <em>knew</em> Yeosang would see him. So he’d just…he’d wait a little while, then make a dash for the changing room. Shower as fast as he could, and go back to his apartment. If he got caught, he’d get them all in trouble. He didn’t have any right to be jealous, he was just a freak, a rejected soulmate. Jealousy didn’t even…. He hit the stop button and stumbled off the machine. He was jealous. Ridiculously jealous. He’d begged Mingi and Wooyoung for this information, and now he was here, to, what, spy on Yeosang and—what was her name? Minjee. Because he was scared and jealous. He was such an <em>idiot</em>. He wiped off the machine and, looking around carefully, started towards the men’s locker room. He’d shower, change, and leave. Yes.</p><p>But then he heard Yeosang’s laughter. Where was he? Maybe he could somehow just…see them, and not be seen, and it would be okay. He heard a soft thud. The sparring room. Biting his lip, he quietly made his way toward the other side of the building, halting where he felt he was out of sight. Not that they were looking out the windows. He saw her pin him down, a grin on her face, and Yeosang tapped the mat. She released him—but only after giving him a tiny kiss. He laughed again. San’s chest constricted. He couldn’t move. Jealousy and envy poured through him. He knew Yeosang had dated other people. Slept with other people. He had, too. But he’d never been able to let him go. It was <em>crazy</em>.</p><p>He finally got it. The dislike of feeling manipulated by forces outside him. It <em>wasn’t normal</em> to be so focused on one person for so long. And then his song. Yeosang had sung <em>his</em> song, for a drama based on a book <em>he</em> had narrated, and seconds before parting, a damn runaway cart had made him pull Yeosang to safety, to find out they were soulmates? It was so messed up. It didn’t make any more sense than him watching the same event play out over and over—but then Yeosang pinned her. San held his breath. Yeosang kissed her forehead and laughed when she swept him over and pinned him again. Now he felt…confused. And he really, really didn’t want to be caught. He turned and ran back to the men’s rooms, and showered as quickly as he could. His heart was pounding. Time, time, time. Was there enough time to get out before being seen? He propped up his foot on a bench to tie his shoelaces.</p><p>“San?”</p><p>His heart sank. This was bad. This was so bad.</p><p>“I…um…”</p><p>“Did you come out here to spy on me?”</p><p>What could he say? He finished tying his shoe in silence, then stood.</p><p>“Because I said I had a <em>date</em>?”</p><p>He looked at the floor. This was so completely embarrassing. He’d said he had no shame? Wrong. He felt so ashamed. Jealousy. He didn’t even recognize it right away, and all this…for jealousy.</p><p>“It’s my life, you know.”</p><p>“I know,” San said quietly.</p><p>“Then why are you here?”</p><p>“You said…if Wooyoung had introduced us, if we’d been strangers, probably things would be different. And then suddenly you had a date. And I just…I wanted to see her. Someone you’d rather be with than me. It was crazy. Totally…totally crazy. You wouldn’t even have known I was here, but…I saw her kissing you, and you laughed, and…I didn’t want it to be her.”</p><p>“The kissing? Oh my God. It’s a <em>game</em>. She thinks it’s hilarious, that I even try to pin her, and that makes me laugh, and I <em>needed</em> something to destress.”</p><p>“Does she know you have a soulmate?” He wanted to take the words back as soon as he said them.</p><p>“No. She’d feel awkward if I told her, like it meant something.”</p><p>“Do I…,” get it over with, just ask, get it over with, “do I really not mean anything to you?”</p><p>“I wouldn’t say that.” He paused, seeming to consider his words. “But at some point you’ll give up again, and leave.”</p><p>That was…something.</p><p>“I don’t want to give up. I told you. I want you.”</p><p>“What? To sleep with me?”</p><p>“That’s not what I meant. Well. Not all that I meant.”</p><p>“No, San.”</p><p>“Why not? You won’t tell me why not."</p><p>“I did tell you. You want more than I’m willing to give.”</p><p>“If I didn’t want more. If I just wanted you. For as long as you’d have me. What then?”</p><p>Yeosang regarded him in silence. San shifted uncomfortably. Yeosang shook his head, and started to walk towards him.</p><p>“You’re lying, Sani. You do want more. When you said being soulmates was a fact, but it didn’t affect the outcome—you don’t believe that. You want everything, even though it’s just a twist of Fate, the two of us. Or Fate doubling back on itself. I don’t know.”</p><p>He was so close, his expression so serious, San took a step back.</p><p>“Soulmates…but I refused you,” Yeosang said thoughtfully. “So I should be able to do anything, anytime, with anyone. But you won’t leave me alone. Which makes it complicated.”</p><p>Again, San took a step back—right into a corner of the room. He should have stayed in the apartment. Jealousy was insanity. And this…this was not a part of Yeosang he was used to.</p><p>“It should be so simple, but it isn’t.” He smoothed hair out of San’s face. “You wanted to know earlier, if I’d just met you, would anything have been different? Why? Did you want to know what I’d have done?”</p><p>Yeosang was inches away, and San had no idea what to say or do, but he desperately wanted to know the answer to that question.</p><p>“Sani…,” he sighed. “What <em>wouldn’t</em> I have done, if I’d asked you out, and you’d said yes?  If you’d kept saying yes? As much time as I had with you, I’d have done my best to make you feel happy, to make you feel good.” He laughed a little. “You’re so beautiful, you know that? I’d spend hours on you—I’d have to. What makes you tense up, what makes you shudder, what makes you gasp, what makes you beg. Have you ever had enough, Sani, that you begged someone to just stop, already, to just fuck you?”</p><p>All he could manage were shallow breaths, his heart beating impossibly fast. He shook his head.</p><p>“No? That’s a shame. It makes you feel out of your mind, needing and wanting. I’d have tried to do that for you.” His mouth quirked. “Well. To you. But I didn’t just meet you last week, did I? So here I am, with all these thoughts, Sani…and I can’t act on any of them. Because you mean too much, you always will, and it would be devastating to let you into my life, like that, knowing you’d leave. Difficult to fall asleep, never knowing when I’d wake up to find you gone.”</p><p>Yeosang stepped back. He looked tired. “Go home, Sani. Don’t come back here again. Leave me some places to find peace, okay?”</p><p>He nodded, still at a loss for words, walked to the bench, grabbed his bag, and left.</p><p>Yeosang</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I know he talked to you.<br/>
I know you wouldn’t have told him where.<br/>
But he knew enough, from you, to talk to Wooyoung.<br/>
To get everything else he needed to know.<br/>
I’m not mad. Things happen.</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
I warned him to leave you alone.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
He didn’t.<br/>
It’s exhausting, Mingi.<br/>
To be near someone you want but can’t have.<br/>
But it’ll pass. It always does.<br/>
And I don’t want him to hurt.<br/>
If I just give it time, he’ll give up. Everyone does.</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
Yeosang…<br/>
He might not give up.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
He’s different that way?</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
He might be.<br/>
What’ll you do, if he doesn’t?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Be shocked, I imagine.</p><p>San<br/>
several hours later</p><p>Sleep wasn’t going to happen. All Yeosang had done was talk, and touch his hair, but what he'd said was so much, he was wide awake. Too many shouldn't haves. Too many might haves. He didn't know if the price was worth the knowledge, but before he laid down on his bed, just to rest, he sent him a message. He hoped, whenever Yeosang woke up, that he'd read it, and pause, not dismiss it right away. Until then, all he could do was wait.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
I will not give up.<br/>
I will not leave.<br/>
I will fight to keep you,<br/>
with this threadbare<br/>
second chance I have.<br/>
I swear it.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I watched several jujitsu tutorials online, and one instructor made it sound very clear, but no way could I actually describe it! So I tried to hint to it? Hope it worked. Had the idea 'cause of a jujitsu teaching scene in Oh My Venus (heroine is startled)--needed something to shock San into actions and realizations, and make Yeosang be.....more direct than San had ever anticipated, in more ways than one.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Change of Plans.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Longer chapter, but I didn't want to break it up.</p><p>And far as I could tell, "submissions" are what they're called, in jujitsu.</p><p>Couldn't find any information about Video on Demand services in Korea, except for recent shows, but there must be something similar to streaming services elsewhere--and if there aren't, well, in this parallel/alternate universe, there are. :)</p><p>Oh! Honorifics overusage for "the plan" ends in this chapter (phew!).</p><p>Yeosang (KangYS)'s 2 text contacts in this chapter: San (NeverYou) and Mingi (MostTrusted).<br/>San (ChoiS)'s 1 text contact in this chapter: Wooyoung (LongLostTwin).</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yeosang<br/>
the next morning</p><p>Yeosang had learned a long time ago to push uncomfortable feelings aside, in order to sleep. Which meant he’d slept fine, mostly, last night. This morning, looking at the text San had sent in the early hours, he felt somewhat at a loss.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
I will not give up.<br/>
I will not leave.<br/>
I will fight to keep you,<br/>
with this threadbare<br/>
second chance I have.<br/>
I swear it.</p><p>He believed it was sincere, when sent, but that the motivation would last? How could he respond to such a message? But he couldn’t <em>not </em>respond—that could be read too many ways. Maybe he should just…change topics.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I wanted to let you know I won’t be able<br/>
to discuss the song collab for a while.<br/>
Today is the first day of the book recording.<br/>
I doubt I’ll have free time until the weekend.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
It takes that long?</p><p>Did San have his notifications set to high volume, to hear the messages and answer so quickly?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I’m lucky I’ve done these voices before.<br/>
Most of them. I generally know what’s wanted.<br/>
But I might cough half-way through a paragraph.<br/>
Or how I’m reading it, it won’t sound right to the producer.<br/>
Which means do-over.<br/>
They edit—any mistakes I re-record.<br/>
It can’t sound amateur.</p><p>It was all true, and it would buy him time to decide how to handle the collab. Especially after last night.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Oh.<br/>
It’s all day long, then.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
As if you film one recording of a song,<br/>
and it’s so perfect, you upload it.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
….<br/>
No.<br/>
But I spend more hours writing songs<br/>
than filming them.<br/>
Or the covers.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I have thousands and thousands of words to narrate.<br/>
My voice has to persuade people to <em>buy</em> the audiobook.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
I’d buy anything you narrated or sang.</p><p>Could San just <em>stop</em>, already?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
You have a bias.<br/>
Anyway, shouldn’t you be working on songs<br/>
that people will want to purchase from you?</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
I have a cover to practice and record first.<br/>
</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Seems like we’ll both be busy this week.<br/>
I’ll text you later.</p><p>He slid back down in his bed and stared at the ceiling. Last night had been such a mistake. He didn’t feel embarrassed, but he’d been too honest. He hadn’t meant to let anyone know. He’d met up with Minjee to forget, but then been reminded. Every time he tried to escape, he was trapped—by fate, he thought bitterly. At least he had a few days free from everyone’s presence, with the book recording. Time enough to lock everything back down.</p><p>San<br/>
several hours later</p><p>“San.”</p><p>Someone was shoving his shoulder.</p><p>“San-ah, wake up!”</p><p>“Go ‘way.”</p><p>A sudden weight dropped onto his legs. His eyes flew open.</p><p>“The fuck? Get off me!” He pushed his friend onto the floor. “What are you doing here?”</p><p>Wooyoung easily tucked himself into a sitting position, and cocked his head to the side.</p><p>“You didn’t text me last night. You didn’t text this morning. Something had to have gone wrong, so here I am.”</p><p>“How did you even get into the apartment?” San demanded.</p><p>“I know your door code, idiot. It’s past noon, by the way. I know you don’t have a set wake-up time, but kind of late, don’t you think, to still be asleep?”</p><p>“Why didn’t you just call?” He yawned and stretched. He must have fallen asleep shortly after Yeosang sent his last message.</p><p>“I was in class, so I texted. You didn’t answer. What happened?”</p><p>Oh. Oh, no. He was not relating all of last night.</p><p>“Wait. You’re wearing a shirt.”</p><p>Confused, San looked down at himself, then back to Wooyoung.</p><p>“Yeah…?”</p><p>“You don’t sleep with clothes on. Did something happen? Are you wearing a shirt to hide evidence?”</p><p>“Wooyoung. You just woke me up. Stop yelling questions at me.”</p><p>“I’m not yelling,” he said huffily.</p><p>“Close enough.” He rubbed his eyes. “I need caffeine.” He kicked the blanket away.</p><p>“You could brush your teeth, too,” came the helpful voice from the floor.</p><p>San grabbed his pillow and smacked him.</p><p>“Go be useful while I <em>brush my teeth</em>, shower, and change.”</p><p>“Useful how?”</p><p>“Convenience store. Go get some Americanos and food. Otherwise, leave.”</p><p>Grumbling, Wooyoung levered himself off the floor and left the room. San heard the apartment door click shut as he made his way to the restroom. In the shower, he leaned against a wall, and let the water wash over him. Was their half-formed plan working, when he got more answers than he could’ve ever hoped for, if he’d followed all the advice not to push Yeosang? Though some of those answers…he was glad Wooyoung hadn’t walked in on him having a dream about any of <em>those</em>. Hastily, he scrubbed himself clean, and toweled dry. He was pulling on clean clothes when he heard the door open.</p><p>“Wooyoung?” he called out.</p><p>“Who else? Aren’t you done <em>yet</em>?”</p><p>San rolled his eyes, then padded into the living area. On the counter were drinks and…containers of fruit? He raised an eyebrow at Wooyoung, who shrugged.</p><p>“It’s hot outside. So.” He twisted the cap off his cola. “What happened?”</p><p>He could summarize, maybe, he thought, as he popped the cap off his coffee drink. He gulped down half the bottle, then walked toward Wooyoung, sprawled on the couch. He sat down with a sigh.</p><p>“I went to the gym. I got the tour. I saw…Minjee and Yeosang. I wouldn’t say it’s sparring? She just kept pinning him to the mat.”</p><p>“Submissions. I think that’s the word.”</p><p>“<em>What</em>?”</p><p>“The technical word. Not pinning. Might be wrong. Anyway.”</p><p>“That sounds dirty.”</p><p>“I could be wrong. But I think that’s what Yeosang said once. That he was terrible at submissions.”</p><p>Not entirely surprising, given their encounter in the locker room. He shook his head. Just because he’d been taken so off guard, he’d been backed into a corner, and nearly fled, unable to speak, just from the words Yeosang had said didn’t necessarily mean Yeosang was—</p><p>“San!”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You were spacing out. What <em>else</em> happened?” Wooyoung had folded his legs sideways, and was leaning towards him, a slight frown on his face.</p><p>“Um. So. Each time she got him in a position where he had to tap the mat to be released, she kissed him.”</p><p>“Shit.”</p><p>“What I thought at first, yeah.”</p><p>“At first?”</p><p>“I, uh, realized if he found me, I was going to look ridiculous. I bolted to the locker room to shower and change, but he came in before I left.” He took a deep breath. “He asked if I’d gone there just to spy on him, and what was I going to do?”</p><p>“Lie!”</p><p>“Oh, come on! It’s not a gym I’d normally go to. He knew, anyway. In less than two minutes, he’d figured it all out.”</p><p>“The whole terrified jealousy thing?”</p><p>“How did you—I didn’t even realize until after I got there!”</p><p>“Mingi would have told you not to worry. I told you not to worry! Though, okay, I wasn’t one hundred percent sure on that, but still! Yet you pestered both of us for info. The idea of him seeing someone else made you—<em>as you texted me—</em>panic. You really didn’t see it in yourself until you saw them together? Wow.” He fell back against the cushions and pursed his lips.</p><p>San took a sip of his drink. “I realized a little bit before then, when it occurred to me how stupid it all was.”</p><p>“It was that,” Wooyoung agreed.</p><p>“Hey! You were iffy on it, too. And don’t pout. Doesn’t work on me.”</p><p>“Did it work with Yeosang?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Nevermind. It’s what I’d do. What did <em>you</em> do?”</p><p>How to summarize without giving away extremely private information?</p><p>“I admitted I was there because I wanted to see whom he’d rather be with than me.”</p><p>Wooyoung looked at the cola left in his drink, and swirled the bottle around. “And?”</p><p>“And…if I’d never met him before, and if the whole…soulmate…thing…wasn’t…real…I could…probably, no, definitely…have…something. With him.”</p><p>“Of short duration.”</p><p>San fidgeted with his drink, took a sip, and recapped it.</p><p>“Oh, my God,” Wooyoung gasped. “He figured out you’re still in love with him?”</p><p>“Not <em>that</em>, no!” He’d definitely have said something. But wait a second. “How do you know!”</p><p>“Seven. Years. Big clue. And now? Saying how if you’d just met him, you could’ve had a fling?”</p><p>San flinched.</p><p>“<em>That</em> reaction. The whole part where you said if soulmates weren’t real? Dripping with misery. Don’t glare at me like that! I’m being all analytical and I’m <em>right</em>. You want <em>everything</em> that goes with the ideal—including love—and he doesn’t.”</p><p>“He said I meant too much to him.”</p><p>“He said what?” Wooyoung yelled.</p><p>“<em>Volume</em>.”</p><p>“He said you meant too much for <em>what</em>?”</p><p>How to phrase it? From what Yeosang had actually said last night, and at other times? </p><p>“To be anything more than what I am now. Because of our…history. Because of the soulmate thing. Because he expects people to leave. I think he cares enough that if…if he let this be more, if I left, it would make what happened seven years ago look tame. Emotionally. That’s my guess.”</p><p>“But you don’t want to leave him.”</p><p>“No, I don’t. Doesn’t mean he believes me.”</p><p>“Yet.”</p><p>San nodded.</p><p>“Does that mean this insane plan is working?”</p><p>“Maybe. He’s still fixated on nothing lasting. I’ve got to knock some of that down. Which is…dicey. Because if he feels like there’s nothing known to hold onto, who knows what he could think up?” He sighed. “I don’t know what to do next.”</p><p>“Uh, you have a YouTube channel.”</p><p>“Yes…?”</p><p>“Do a cover.”</p><p>“Aimed at him?”</p><p>“Yep.”</p><p>“You sorta know how long it takes me to pick a song, adjust it so it fits my range, practice it so it sounds good, and then upload it—think how long it would take me just to find a song that fits <em>this</em> situation.”</p><p>“Oh. Point taken.” Wooyoung frowned.</p><p>“But there is something on my channel that maybe….”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“It’s private.”</p><p>“That’s not fair.”</p><p>“You don’t get to hear <em>everything</em>,” San muttered.</p><p>“God, I wouldn’t want to.”</p><p>“Wooyoung!”</p><p>He smirked.</p><p>“Any ideas on how to gain back his friendship?” San asked pointedly. “He told me he was so irritated by the honorifics he was tempted to mute the new group chat.”</p><p>“He can’t do that!” Wooyoung’s eyes went wide. “It’s the only way to get him to talk to me—he even encouraged me on watercolors, like…like before. You’re the one who said I should use them to show I respect his boundaries!”</p><p>“Maybe something in person, but not intense? It’s past his birthday, past my birthday...is there anything Yeosang would show up to? And if you didn’t push him on it—”</p><p>“The way <em>you</em> pushed him so much he wound up seeing Minjee and you made an ass of yourself?”</p><p>“I learned valuable information!”</p><p>Though how <em>was</em> he going to face Yeosang after what he’d said at the gym? How could he practice and sing a duet with someone who easily described—no, no. He could think about that later. Not now. He picked his drink back up, uncapped it, and drank the rest. He needed food, too.</p><p>“Last year, after Yeosang finished narrating the book Mingi and his mother co-wrote, we sort of threw a party?” Wooyoung offered. “Maybe we could do it again, say it’s a new tradition since it’s a series? Only adding in you and Yunho, it wouldn’t be comfortable at my place.”</p><p>“The apartment you share with Seonghwa-hyung, that you regularly flee to hang out here instead?”</p><p>“You have more room here,” Wooyoung protested. “Plus, I don’t want to listen to dramas every night. Oh! You and Yunho could host it! Because of numbers! If Yeosang agrees, of course.”</p><p>If he agreed. Hm. That was the issue. Maybe Mingi would be willing to help a little bit….</p><p>Yeosang<br/>
two days later</p><p>Lunch break. Three days of recording—he did love doing it, but the limited breaks, the hyper focus, it was rather tiring. Thirty minutes for a sandwich and a cold tea was bliss. He turned his phone on. The new game app he’d downloaded last night looked promising.</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
Remember how last year,<br/>
we went to Seonghwa-hyung’s,<br/>
when you finished the recording?</p><p>No gaming. He stuffed the remaining corner of one sandwich half in his mouth.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Yeah.<br/>
Why?</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
Well, we’re in the group chat now, right?<br/>
And you want Seonghwa-hyung and Wooyoung<br/>
to remain sort of friends?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
In the group chat. For now.<br/>
Though, truthfully, the honorifics?<br/>
Making me regret agreeing to be a part.</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
How else should they address you?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I don’t know!<br/>
Nothing like this has happened before.<br/>
Jaewoo is still Jaewoo.<br/>
Youngtaek is still Youngtaek.<br/>
Minjee is still Minjee.</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
You still see Minjee, though.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
From time to time.</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
You talk to the others?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
To a degree.<br/>
It’s just…not like it used to be.<br/>
Not all <em>ends</em> are permanent ends.<br/>
That’s what I’m trying for with Wooyoung<br/>
and Seonghwa-hyung.<br/>
But it feels wrong.</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
Maybe because you want things back to normal?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Of course, I do!<br/>
If San hadn’t happened, it’d be the same.<br/>
Though who knows for how long….<br/>
Can’t predict the future.<br/>
Only try to prepare for it.</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
But Minjee?<br/>
You actually <em>see</em> her.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Some people, it’s more a pause.<br/>
Which means we can un-pause.</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
But you said everything ends.</p><p>Why was every conversation he had about this topic becoming more and more annoying? It was all so obvious!</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Just because they haven’t yet,<br/>
doesn’t mean they won’t.<br/>
Why would I rush things?<br/>
Why are we even discussing this?</p><p>He glanced at the time. Fifteen minutes left.</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
It’s…interesting.<br/>
But not why I texted you.<br/>
That party?<br/>
I think we should do it again.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
No.<br/>
Going to their place will only confuse them.</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
We could meet somewhere else.<br/>
Like San’s?<br/>
I went there, to interview him, remember?<br/>
It’s bigger than the others’ place.<br/>
</p><p>Yeosang narrowed his eyes. San’s place, huh? That sounded like a plot.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Mingi.<br/>
Did San persuade you to persuade me to agree to this?</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
He mentioned it.<br/>
I thought it sounded like a good idea.<br/>
Especially if you want things to…normalize,<br/>
with Seonghwa-hyung and Wooyoung.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
How?</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
They probably feel awkward, too.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Their decisions.</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
Yeosang—they messed up.<br/>
I know that. They know that.<br/>
But if you really want them to be like the others,<br/>
then something has to give.</p><p>Why did it keep coming back to <em>him</em>?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
So, what?<br/>
I’m supposed to show up, at a party to celebrate the end of recording.<br/>
Or, well, the initial ending.<br/>
Because edits.<br/>
At a party at a place I’ve never been to.<br/>
Hosted by a person I’ve never met, <em>and</em> my thanks-but-no-thanks soulmate.<br/>
Walk up to my former friends, and out of the blue! Suddenly say,<br/>
oh, you can call me Yeosang??<br/>
Please.</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
No. But being around them, at a party with<br/>
someone new, it wouldn’t be just them.<br/>
And it could make it easier, if Yunho offers just his name,<br/>
to me and you, to make it…universal?</p><p>Five minutes left. He drank his tea. Three minutes.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Fine.<br/>
I have to go back to the recording studio.<br/>
Tomorrow looks to be the last day.<br/>
Probably.<br/>
San can do…whatever.</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
So, tomorrow night?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
When all I’ll want to do is sleep?<br/>
No. Night after.</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
Got it!</p><p>Saturday night</p><p>Just shy of three weeks since Yeosang had run into San for the first time in years. So much had changed. Now here he was, trailing after Mingi as he bounded up the steps to San’s and Yunho’s apartment. The last ones to arrive. For some reason, he hadn’t thought Yunho—who knew Hwanwoong—would be a near giant. A happy, smiling giant. He hadn’t thought to see San dressed in a short sleeve shirt and <em>overalls</em>. He supposed it was comfortable, and that most people would only see it as cute, but his mind kept drifting to the side buttons from the waist down the hips. Why couldn’t he have worn shorts or even jeans, like everyone else? But no. That shirt better be long, because if it rode up and showed skin…overalls had such easy access. He sighed quietly. Good thing it’d been several days since that night at the gym. It would be fine. San had been warned. He refocused his attention on Yunho.</p><p>“How did you get into OSTs, Yeosang-ssi?”</p><p>“Ah,” he smiled. “That would be Mingi’s mother’s influence. When I hung out at their house, sometimes I’d sing along to songs playing. She knew I had vocal training. When their audiobook started selling, she, uh, persuaded my agent to talk to my voice coach. My agent realized I had another potential source of revenue—good for him, if it worked out—and made phone calls. I’m fairly sure it was all down to a tight budget, but he found a webdrama producer who needed a singer for the ‘oh, no, this will never work!’ scenes and hiring a newbie <em>is </em>cheap.”</p><p>“Cheap because they’d spent all their money on the lead actor,” Wooyoung said, with a snort. “Which meant people watched it, and got curious.”</p><p>When had he popped up? Yeosang glanced at him cautiously. Maybe Mingi’s idea could work.</p><p>“That led to an offer from the same producer, a few months later. It didn’t sound interesting, but it was resume-building, so I said yes.”</p><p>“At least they paid you more than coins that time,” Wooyoung interjected, his arms crossed.</p><p>“I was barely known. I’m grateful he gave me the opportunity, Wooyoung-ssi,” he said softly.</p><p>He got a small pout in response, which vanished when Yunho cleared his throat. He looked from one to the other. Odd, but he now knew Wooyoung had spent a lot of time in this apartment, so maybe Yunho had limited patience for the other playing around? Hadn’t he said that Wooyoung and San together rarely gave him any peace?  </p><p>“Pizza’s here!” Seonghwa called out.</p><p>“What did we get, hyung?” Wooyoung asked eagerly.</p><p>“A few varieties, but of course, for Yeosang-ssi, pineapple pizza.”</p><p>Wooyoung made a face. “How you eat that, Yeosang-ssi, I will never understand.” </p><p>“Oh, it’s not that bad!” Yunho pulled plates out of a cupboard and stacked all but one on the small kitchen counter. “Since we’re here for Yeosang-ssi, he goes first.” He handed the plate over.</p><p>“Thank you, Yunho-ssi.” Yeosang grinned. “<em>Two</em> slices of pineapple pizza for me.” He carefully lifted each piece and stacked them on his plate. He turned around and tried to decide where they could all eat.</p><p>“Oh, sit anywhere!”</p><p>Yeosang dipped his head in acknowledgement and walked toward the sofa. Weird little party, but hey, it was for him, so why should he take the floor?</p><p>“Um,” Yunho continued, “I know only San and Wooyoung know me, but it’s making me feel a little weird, since everyone is more or less friends with each other, to continue with honorifics. Can we drop them, if that’s okay with you, Seonghwa-ssi?”</p><p>“I’m fine with that. You’ve given me much needed peace for many months.”</p><p>“Hey!”</p><p>“Seonghwa-hyung is all right, then?” Yunho asked tentatively. When he received an agreement, he turned to Mingi. “Mingi’s fine with me, too.”</p><p>A few beats of silence passed. Yeosang glanced over in mild confusion, to find everyone looking at him. Oh. He chewed and swallowed quickly. “Not a problem for me.” Finally!</p><p>San slid over the armrest onto the couch cushion next to him, balancing a plate in one hand.</p><p>Well, damn. There went that moment of relief.</p><p>“Here.”</p><p>In his other hand, he gripped two bottles of cola. Yeosang put his plate in his lap, and took one. San set his drink on the floor and lifted the plate closer to his mouth.</p><p>“Soft drinks?”</p><p>“Um…this is the first time you’ve been around Wooyoung since the photoshoot. And Seonghwa-hyung since the day at the library. Figured it was best if everyone stayed sober.” He took a bite of pizza.</p><p>Huh. Smart.</p><p>The others soon crowded on the floor around the sofa, talking, drinking, eating.</p><p>Yeosang finished his first slice and looked around the room again.</p><p>“No table and chairs to eat at?”</p><p>“We had to choose between those and a decent quality TV system. Couldn’t afford both. Since we rarely have more than one other person visiting at a time, being able to watch movies and shows on something larger than a laptop seemed a better option.” He smiled, then took a drink.</p><p>Overalls. Dimples. Both should just be cute. Seemed to depend on the person.</p><p>Yeosang began eating his second slice. Mingi and Wooyoung were arguing about something—wasn’t his place to interfere. Seonghwa and Yunho were talking several feet away, Yunho laughing in delight when Seonghwa, who’d looked dubious, gave him a slight smile, and nodded. It seemed fairly calm. There was hope in that.</p><p>“Oh!” San jolted, then pulled his phone out of a pocket.</p><p>Yeosang hid a smirk. If you were going to put a phone on vibrate and put it in an overalls pocket, you might indeed feel surprised. With pockets that large, a phone could slide around. He watched San read a text message, puzzled frown quickly changing to a happy grin.</p><p>“I’ve got to go make a phone call,” he said apologetically. Yeosang waved him away.</p><p>“Why’d he leave the room?”</p><p>Yeosang blinked at Wooyoung. Hadn’t he been talking to Mingi? He looked around—the other three were deep in conversation. Okay.</p><p>“He got a text, said he had to make a call.” He took another bite of pizza.</p><p>“Yeosang…why do you dislike the soulmate thing so much?”</p><p>If this was a set-up, leading to why he’d rejected San…. But maybe it wasn’t. Benefit of the doubt, he told himself, munching on the last bit of crust.</p><p>“You don’t always get what you want in life, but sometimes you do. Sometimes your skills and talents match up with your dreams, and things start to click into place. It might not be easy, but it’s a path you chose. Sometimes, nothing works the way you want it to. You choose to accept what is, or try to find another path. There are variations, but the key thing? Choice. Even if it’s choosing to accept the inevitable, it’s still a choice I get to make on my own. Soulmates…who decides that? Not us. Weird, inhuman forces intervene and tell people <em>these</em> are the ones you’re supposed to be with. And people go with it,” he scoffed. “And you can’t actually argue with fate and destiny, can’t ask them <em>why</em> they think those sets of people are the best matched out of the entire world. It’s manipulative, no explanations given. Why would <em>anyone</em> like that?”</p><p>Wooyoung chewed on the inside of his cheek. “I’ve only ever heard of soulmates being happy…”</p><p>“They might be.” Yeosang shrugged. “But think how much pressure it puts on people, wondering if they should stay with someone they love, if a soulmate is still out there. Since lots of people never do meet their soulmates, they could’ve given up something <em>real</em>, a love they <em>chose</em>, because they believed soulmates are automatically better.”</p><p>“So…you believe in love?”</p><p>“Don’t be absurd. Of course I do.”</p><p>“But you think nothing lasts? That doesn’t make sense.”</p><p>“Wooyoung. How long something lasts doesn’t affect its existence. I took two slices of pizza. Now I’ve eaten them. They existed before, now they’re gone.”</p><p>“Did you just compare pineapple pizza to love?” Yunho inquired.</p><p>“Are the pineapples pieces freshly cut, or from a can? It makes a difference.” Yeosang calmly picked up his plate and took it to the kitchenette sink. He paused when he saw San standing in the short hallway, staring at him. How much had he heard? Though nothing he’d said should be news to him.</p><p>“You okay?” he asked.</p><p>San nodded. “There’s ice cream in the freezer, if anyone wants any,” he called out.</p><p>“Yeosang! Don’t you dare eat it all!” Wooyoung jumped up and ran over.</p><p>“I would never.” He selected an ice cream cone and slid past the others coming forward, peeling the wrapper off to deposit in the trash.</p><p>“So…,” San said, flipping his phone over and over. “That was my mom.”</p><p>Yeosang’s eyes instantly snapped to his. San shook his head slightly. Yeosang relaxed. He really wanted this to be over with before any relatives ever found out.</p><p>“Do you remember Jongho, Yeosang?”</p><p>He took a delicate bite of his dessert, and tried to put the face and name together.</p><p>“Your mother taught him. She wanted him to study voice, too, but he was set on teaching phys. ed. to kids.”</p><p>“Oh! Yes.” He leaned against the counter and took another small bite.</p><p>“He’s in service right now…my mom texted me to call her so she could tell me the whole story….”</p><p>Silence fell.</p><p>“San-ah?” Wooyoung asked cautiously. “Is he okay?”</p><p>“Yeah. He’s fine. More than fine. It’s just…timing. Your mother might call or e-mail you, Yeosang, and expect a reaction, so….”</p><p>“Why would our mothers call us about Jongho?”</p><p>“Um. Seems he had an evening pass, and another soldier in his unit did, too. They’re friends. The other soldier invited him to eat dinner with his family, visiting just for that. And it was just, you know, normal, until the other soldier’s twin sister tripped on her way out of the restaurant, and Jongho caught her, and, well…”</p><p>“Soulmates?” Seonghwa asked, in an awed tone.</p><p>“Um. Yeah.”</p><p>Ah. That’s why San had been staring. However much he’d heard him say to Wooyoung, it was nothing positive about soulmates. Rather wrecked the meet-cute story he’d intended to relate, though why felt the need to mention it here, and now, in front of everyone, he didn’t know. Just looking at them—Seonghwa’s eyes were shining, as he wondered what it must’ve been like for everyone present. Wooyoung snickering at him, saying it was <em>just</em> like a drama. Yunho laughing…well, maybe at the whole situation. Sharing an apartment with San, he probably knew a good deal about the past few weeks. Hm. No, he didn’t know the man, no reason to worry. He was on San’s side, of course, but it wasn’t like he could <em>do</em> anything.</p><p>A paper towel was held out to him. “The way you’re eating that, it’s going to get all over your clothes,” Mingi observed.</p><p>He looked down at the cone, a splintering, melty mess. He hadn’t been paying attention. Grimacing, he accepted the towel, placed the remainder of the cone in it, then carefully wiped his hand on the outside. “Around my mouth, too, isn’t it?”</p><p>With an amused smile, Mingi nodded.</p><p>Yeosang dropped the remains of the ice cream in the trash, then walked to San. He didn’t want to hear any more babble about soulmates. “Where’s the washroom?”</p><p>“Just…the door over there.” He pointed the direction. “You’ve got ice cream on your face.”</p><p>“I know. It’s why I need water and towels.”</p><p>“It isn’t that much. I mean,” he took a step forward and swiped a thumb around one corner of his lips.</p><p>And Yeosang couldn’t help it. It was a reflexive habit he’d never been able to break. The second San’s thumb pressed against the side of his mouth, his tongue darted out. An instinctive counter-pressure? Except no one else he knew did it. Just him. San froze, eyes wide, then pulled his hand away.</p><p>“You still do that.”</p><p>He shrugged. “Unless you want to continue, I need the washroom.” He kept his face calm, but cursed himself for the first words of his response. Anything he offered, San would want to take. Thankfully, too many people around. He walked past him to the room indicated, shut the door, flicked on the light, and stared at himself in the mirror. His friends had learned early on, about his habit, and only ever offered napkins or towels. Other people…it was sometimes a beginning. Frustrating. So damn <em>frustrating</em>.</p><p>San</p><p>He watched Yeosang close the door. <em>Unless he wanted to continue?</em> He’d said that. He’d actually said that. He shut down the thoughts rushing toward him. He forced himself to move, walked up to the others. Had they seen it? Surely not. Yeosang’s back had been facing them.</p><p>“Seonghwa-hyung, respectfully, could you please…stop? I shouldn’t have even said it. Not sure why I really did.”</p><p>“Oh. Oh, I’m so sorry.” His shoulders drooped.</p><p>“Let’s watch something?” Yunho suggested. “This is supposed to be for Yeosang finishing the audiobook, so maybe some episodes of one of the dramas he did an OST for?”</p><p>“Oh, yeah!” Mingi said. “The third one, that’s the one where they filmed him singing in the studio. I mean, not watch that, but his song shows up several times in that drama. Can we get it on demand, though? It’s from a while back.”</p><p>“Not a problem,” Yunho said cheerily. “San recorded the whole thing.”</p><p>“That was months before you even ran into him, though,” Seonghwa said slowly.</p><p>Shit.</p><p>“Things happen! Let’s turn off the lamps, so it’s like a movie! Thank you, Seonghwa-hyung! A couple episodes, then call it a night? Unless anyone wants to sleep over, though I’m afraid all we have to offer is the floor. The couch is too small to lie down on.”</p><p>Yunho was too excited. San caught Wooyoung’s eye, pointed at himself, then the other, then at Yunho, and raised his eyebrows—did you tell him anything? Wooyoung shook his head.</p><p>“Everyone get comfortable! Plenty of floor space.”</p><p>Way too excited. San looked around for a place on the floor—and found himself being forcibly steered to the couch, and shoved down. Yunho leaned in. “I saw him lick your thumb,” he whispered.</p><p>“It’s a habit,” San hissed back. “He’s done it forever when people wipe food away from his mouth. I’d forgotten.”</p><p>“Doesn’t matter,” he whispered back, a grin on his face. “You reached out to touch him first, he didn’t pull back, and whatever he said to you after, the look on your face? So, no, you sit on the couch, like you have all evening—you want him thinking you’re avoiding him now, Mr. I Have a Plan? Take the opportunity of being within actual physical contact range, we’ll all sit in front of you, no one has to see <em>anything</em>.”</p><p>“Yunho,” he said desperately, “no. You think it’s a good idea. It’s <em>not</em>. Yeosang won’t like it.”</p><p>“You didn’t look horrified, whatever he said to you. So, I disagree. But if he doesn’t like it, well, he can always shove you off the couch. I don’t think he’d hesitate. Do you?”</p><p>“You don’t understand. It’s not like <em>that</em>. It’s…it’s….” There was no way to explain how bad an idea this was to Yunho in seconds, without letting him know more than he did, and there was <em>no way</em> San was telling anyone everything Yeosang had said at the gym. If he thought this was a set up—which it was—it could ruin his bigger plan. But it wasn’t his fault. If asked, he’d blame Yunho and his misinterpretations. He stopped resisting.</p><p>“Excellent.” Yunho fired up the television, and scrolled through their recorded shows. The TV kept it bright enough to see, at least, but damn, the abrupt shift in mood, lighting, set-up, and everything was so painfully obvious. He wouldn’t be surprised if Yeosang took one look and left.</p><p>Which he…did not do, when he paused at the hallway a few seconds later. He raised his eyebrows and scanned the group, staring intently at Wooyoung, who shook his head frantically. Yeosang gave a brief nod. When his eyes met San’s, he couldn’t keep contact, and stared at the TV screen. This was so embarrassing. But at least not as bad as earlier this week. When Yeosang sank down on the couch next to him, he waited. Nothing.</p><p>“So, Yeosang, since tonight is for you, I thought it’d be cool if we watched the first full length drama you did an OST for. Earlier this year.” Yunho sounded way too satisfied. Damn him.</p><p>“Are we marathon-ing all 16 episodes? Because I know the plot, and it’s not really worth it.”</p><p>“Oh, no, just a couple. We’ve all seen it, before. This is just to hear you sing—which episode is most of the song in, San?”</p><p>Damn him, damn him, damn him.</p><p>“Eighth episode.”</p><p>“Excellent!”</p><p>The opening sequence began, and still Yeosang was quiet. Five minutes, ten minutes…not a word. Not a movement. It made San nervous. Oh, this scene. He smiled. Just a few more minutes, and his song would start. He remembered watching it the first time, hearing just a snippet. He remembered watching the video of him singing the ballad, with scenes from the drama cut in. He remembered reading the comments section under the posted video, people arguing over who was better-looking, the lead actor, or the almost entirely unknown singer. Like it hadn’t been obvious. Yeosang wrapped up in music was entrancing. The scene shifted on the television, and he held his breath, waiting for the first notes—then relaxed, breathing normally again. Whatever the leads were doing, he’d never cared to pay much attention, it didn’t matter. This episode had three-fourths of the song in it, and oh, his voice. When the song faded into the background, the small group gathered in the apartment clapped and cheered a little, then continued to watch the drama. Hearing Yeosang sing always made him feel calmer. He relaxed back into the couch.</p><p>“Whose idea was it, really?” His voice was pitched low.</p><p>San tensed up. “Yunho’s,” he whispered back.</p><p>“Hmm.”</p><p>“Yeosang,” Wooyoung called, “that guy—pause it, Yunho! That guy on the right, wasn’t he the cast member you dated? Who gave you episode spoilers?”</p><p>“Saehoon? Yeah.”</p><p>Why the hell did drama actors have to be so good-looking. He’d dated <em>that</em> guy?</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Why? Why would you point that out?</p><p>He saw Wooyoung twitch a little, then reach for his phone and scan the message.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
I’m sorry! I wasn’t thinking!</p><p>“He’s impulsive, you know that.”</p><p>Yeosang had shifted closer, was peering at the texts. Could this week get any worse? He dropped the phone on the cushion next to the armrest.</p><p>“If it makes you feel any better, his in-person kissing was the same as onscreen, poor man. See him there, with the actress? I tried to teach him better technique, but he didn’t have enough restraint to pay attention. Hope someone helps him, some day.”</p><p>He closed his eyes for a few seconds.</p><p>“Not a help? Hm. The best kiss I ever had was my first. I was so scared I’d make a mess of it, but I wanted it so much. Looking back, I <em>was</em> terrible, but it’s still the most magical kiss I’ve ever had. Thank you for that.”</p><p>Why was Yeosang doing this?</p><p>He heard a soft sigh.</p><p>“It’s not polite to ignore people.”</p><p>He felt slender fingers trail down his shoulder to his waist, and shivered.</p><p>“Overalls are supposed to be <em>cute</em>, Sani. But they’re made large to begin with, and you’ve got a small waist, so it’s almost like you’re swimming in denim.”</p><p>One hand gently pulled the fabric forward, away from his body. What was he <em>doing</em>?</p><p>“See? And these side buttons.” His other hand quickly undid the top two. “Easy access. Which is always lovely. No one’s looking back at us—did you plan that?”</p><p>Easy…access? He didn’t mean—he <em>couldn’t</em> mean.</p><p>“No. Didn’t plan anything.” His voice was shaky.</p><p>“You <em>can</em> talk. Good. Please tell me the shirt you’re wearing is long?”</p><p>What did that have to do with anything?</p><p>“It’s just a shirt.”</p><p>“Oh…. Undoing the top two buttons, that opens the side to your hip, doesn’t it? Which means….”</p><p>Both hands gently tugged at the side of his shirt. He clenched his hands at his sides and willed himself not to move. Their friends weren’t that far away, and it just—he bit his lip hard, when he felt a hand slide under the fabric and rest against his waist. What was he doing? He swallowed hard.</p><p>“It doesn’t seem different from a shirt untucked from jeans, does it? But it is. If I’d undone all the side buttons, I could’ve slid my hand down the pants leg and then up under the shirt. Can’t do that with jeans, of course, which cling.”</p><p>Slid his hand down the pants leg, along his skin? Fuck. He should have worn jeans. But how could he have expected <em>this</em>?</p><p>“Two undone buttons on overalls can look like a mistake—not like unbuttoned and unzipped jeans—so the easy access isn’t obvious.”</p><p>Unbuttoned and unzipped jeans. Every breath he took was shallow. If he moved…he didn’t know what would happen. Why was he doing this here and now?</p><p>“Like right now, I can reach up,” the hand at his waist moved several inches upwards, “or down,” his hand dropped lower than before, settling at his hip, fingertips tapping a gentle pattern.</p><p>His hand was much, much too close. Why? Why!</p><p>“If anyone turned around, with so little light, they’d never guess.” He paused. “I could probably go even further down, and across, without that movement being noticeable.”</p><p>He was <em>not</em> suggesting what he thought he was.</p><p>“Do you want me to?”</p><p>San couldn’t suppress the small gasp. He wasn’t doing this. Why was he doing this? Right here. Right now. He wanted to say yes. So badly. His hand was too damn close, and he was asking if he should move it <em>lower</em>? He fought against impulse, and pressed his hips back against the couch. Forward movement—as bad as saying yes. Yeosang was barely doing anything. Barely touching him. If he did more…he wanted to say yes. He wanted to know what more felt like if this little amount was close to burning through all sense of caution.</p><p>“I can give you some of what you want, Sani. Not everything, but some.”</p><p>It took several seconds to understand.</p><p>“Why? Why are you…doing this?”</p><p>“Because what you want, and what I want? Some of it…could be workable.”</p><p>His mind was clearing. He still wanted to say yes, but…he turned to look at Yeosang. And almost gave in. He was serious. He meant it. But it was so different from what he’d said before. Which meant…it meant progress. He tried to even out his breathing. Couldn’t. Okay.</p><p>“I am not. Going to leave you. I am not giving up. I will always. Want to be with you.”</p><p>Yeosang pressed his lips together. Without speaking, he tucked San’s shirt back in, and rebuttoned the side buttons. He moved further away, and turned his attention to the television.</p><p>Dammit. Progress was hell. At least everyone had agreed to a couple episodes of the drama. He needed more time in the thankfully dim room.</p><p>After the second episode, Yunho had insisted on searching up the OST video. San felt somewhat saner than he had an hour ago…but that wasn’t saying much.</p><p>Wooyoung turned around after the recording finished playing and looked at Yeosang. “You should do more recorded stuff. I mean, obviously, you sound good, but you look good on camera. That’d boost name recognition among the right people, wouldn’t it?”</p><p>“Funnily enough, a certain songwriter got his agent to convince my agent that we should do a collab for the songwriter’s YouTube channel. So, once we figure out a song….”</p><p>How could he act as if nothing had happened? He had to, too, of course. For right now.</p><p>“That’s so cool!” Mingi exclaimed. “Are you going to write something new, San?”</p><p>“Mm, with the time constraints—to practice and record so it releases while the drama is being aired, probably use a song I’ve already written.”</p><p>“Oh. But I’ve heard all those.”</p><p>That was so absurd, he actually laughed. “Mingi, I have more songs than you’ve seen on my channel. It’ll be new, to you and anybody else.”</p><p>“Awesome.”</p><p>“I thought Yeosang just did ballad stuff and, you know, OST-style songs. Can you do the kind of songs San writes?” Yunho asked curiously.</p><p>Oh, no.</p><p>“Yeosang can sing anything in his range,” Seonghwa said defensively.</p><p>Good! Leave it at that.</p><p>“But some of his songs are kinda…you know.”</p><p>He was going to make Yunho’s life a torment if he didn’t shut up.</p><p>“You mean sexy? Hm.” Yeosang turned towards San. “Do you think I’d have difficulties singing <em>those</em> songs?”</p><p>“No. Not at all. They’d just need to be in your range. Which is lower. So they’d probably sound…,” absolutely not happening, <em>he</em> couldn’t handle singing a duet like that with Yeosang, especially not after tonight, just the thought was making his heart speed up, and he needed to finish the sentence, “they’d sound different. Not sexy. More…,” sanity-wrecking? accurate, but not complimentary, fuck, just get actual words out, “more seductive.”</p><p>Wooyoung opened his mouth, then snapped it shut, color rising in his cheeks. Without firsthand—he did <em>not</em> need to think about hands right now—knowledge, he knew San was right.</p><p>Now if only everyone who didn’t live here could just <em>leave</em>, his life would improve immensely. He needed time alone, in his room, with the door locked. Fucking hell, he loved him, but Yeosang was terrifying.</p><p>Yeosang</p><p>Why had he done all that? Why had he said all that? Those two thoughts kept circling and circling in his mind. He’d showered, changed to lightweight pajamas, checked his work email, and still he couldn’t figure out a full answer. He hadn’t contradicted everything he’d said earlier this week—San was too dangerous to him, for him to risk that—but his subconscious had apparently decided he was okay with working out a lesser agreement. So he’d tried. And failed. He’d never been around anyone where attraction and desire were intensely mutual, but the other person refused. But San was…San. Persistent and stubborn. It was so ridiculous to be all or nothing! If he hadn’t called San out on wanting everything, maybe he would have agreed today…but what was done, was done. And they still had a song to select, rehearse, and record. After that…he really didn’t know. He climbed into bed, and picked up his phone, to plug it in for the night—how had he missed so many texts?</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
The OST video reminded me of a cover I did.<br/>
You won’t see it on my channel.<br/>
It’s unlisted.<br/>
Too personal.<br/>
But I had to do it, after I saw that video, when it was first released.<br/>
Seven years, Yeosang.<br/>
Even when I tried to get over you, I couldn’t.<br/>
I e-mailed you the link.<br/>
Think about it, okay?<br/>
I recorded that song when I thought I’d never get to have you in my life again.<br/>
But it’s different now.<br/>
The line that starts “Never ever”?<br/>
When I tell you I won’t give up, that I won’t leave you?<br/>
Remember <em>that line</em>.</p><p>E-mails…right. There it was. Which song had he recorded, after seeing him in the video? That he wouldn’t put on his channel because it was too personal? He clicked the link, and as soon as the music started up, caught his breath. Bazzi’s “Beautiful”? You could tell he’d recorded it just for himself. He barely looked at the camera, he was so focused on the lyrics. The tone was lighter, because his voice was lighter, but all the emotions were there. San sang this after seeing him in the video? When he thought he’d never even talk to him again? And now….</p><p>“Never ever gonna mislead you”</p><p>That’s what he wanted him to remember. He stared at the video, feeling dazed. When it ended, he tapped the replay button.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. To Be Desired.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>You can probably guess, by this point, that Yeosang is very.....upfront/honest/open when talking about sex and anything related to that topic. Just.....keep that in mind. </p><p>Also keep in mind, please, that there is more going on in this chapter than might first seem.....</p><p>Text Contact IDs in this chapter:<br/>San (ChoiS): Wooyoung (LongLostTwin)<br/>Wooyoung (JungWY): Yeosang (KnowsMeWell)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>San<br/>
Sunday, the day after the party</p><p>Fine. If his brain wasn’t going to stay attentive enough to practice singing or playing on the keyboard, he’d just pull up the songs he’d written in Yeosang’s range, and print them out. They had yet to select a song, and he’d rather not have him in his bedroom, crouched in front of his laptop, close to his bed.</p><p>
  <em>I can give you some of what you want.</em>
</p><p>He ran a hand through his hair. He couldn’t remember all of last night’s dreams, but he’d been grateful and frustrated when this morning’s alarm went off at the exact time it had. At least he didn’t have summer classes to worry about. He didn’t <em>have</em> to get out of bed right away.</p><p>He hadn’t.</p><p>
  <em>Do you want me to?</em>
</p><p>If San had said yes, exactly how far would it have gone, in the living room, with people nearby?</p><p>He shook his head. He had some self-control. Apparently not as much as Yeosang, but it had to be enough. Determinedly, he clicked through folder after folder and printed out all 19 songs. Using the originals as a reference—written for his own voice—he could fairly quickly rearrange for melody and harmony.</p><p>They had to meet up soon. The drama only had six episodes left, numbers eleven and twelve airing tomorrow night and Tuesday night. With all the training they’d both had, they could pick a song, he could rearrange it, they could practice, and then film a video before the next set aired. Well. He could, alone. Yeosang could, alone. Maybe they should practice separately first? No—if he needed to adjust anything, they needed to be together. Aha! They could practice in the living room. They could both sight-read. Avoid the keyboard in his bedroom, where he filmed his videos, for as long as possible.</p><p>His phone vibrated on his desk.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
I thought last night went pretty well!</p><p>
  <em>Easy access. Always lovely.</em>
</p><p>They’d have to sit on the same couch while Yeosang went over the songs. Because he and Yunho had bought a damn TV system instead of a table and chairs. But maybe he’d pick a song quickly. Singing—wasn’t Yeosang used to standing while singing? But what could he practice singing until San had done all the rearrangements? Think about it later.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
He did seem more relaxed around you.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Around everyone—even you.<br/>
Though <em>you</em> seemed a little tense near the end.<br/>
Stumbling over yourself, trying to answer<br/>
his question, how he’d sound,<br/>
singing your sexier songs.</p><p>If he knew <em>why</em> he’d been tense, Wooyoung wouldn’t be so amused. No, strike that. He would be. Bastard. He had <em>no idea</em> what he’d endured.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
I wasn’t the one blushing at the idea of him singing <em>seductively</em>.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
I actually do try not to think about him that way, just so you know.<br/>
But that kind of mental image is just…</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
A little too much to handle?<br/>
Yeah.<br/>
I’m aware.<br/>
Very aware.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Still dwelling on the gym encounter?</p><p>Hah. Last night had eclipsed what Yeosang had said <em>that</em> night. He still had no idea how or why there’d been such a drastic shift from nothing-can-ever-happen to what almost <em>had</em> happened on the couch last night. With people nearby. With <em>Wooyoung</em> nearby. Awkward thought.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Not exactly.<br/>
Yunho making such an obvious set up?<br/>
Sitting next to Yeosang on the couch,<br/>
in the dark, after that?<br/>
Lot of thoughts.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Guessing you didn’t <em>do</em> anything though, huh?</p><p><em>This</em>, from the person who’d told him Yeosang could “teach lessons,” compared to him. Yunho had seemed disappointed after everyone left, like he hadn’t taken advantage of some amazing opportunity. <em>Him</em>. The way they underestimated Yeosang. Unbelievable.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
No. I did not.<br/>
Even if the <em>thought</em> of trying something<br/>
had been in my mind, you singling out the actor<br/>
he dated was a mood-killer.</p><p>It had never been in <em>his</em> mind to start something.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
I said I was sorry!<br/>
I’m pretty sure Yeosang said he was a terrible kisser,<br/>
so not like he’d hold good memories of him.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
I know, but <em>still</em>.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
You know?<br/>
How do you know?</p><p>Oh, hell.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
He had a scene with an actress not long after you made your comment.<br/>
It looked terrible.<br/>
So…obviously.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Obviously?<br/>
You were paying that much attention<br/>
to a brief scene, with an actor<br/>
Yeosang dated for a few weeks?<br/>
And from that, you <em>knew</em> he’d be the same,<br/>
when the cameras weren’t rolling?</p><p>What was wrong with him? Texting was supposed to let you stop, delete reckless comments, and respond more safely. Partial truth.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
He saw my message to you.<br/>
He was trying to make me feel better.<br/>
Said what you said.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Why didn’t you just say that?</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
I didn’t want you getting your hopes up.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Uh-huh.<br/>
Making up a stupid story was a better option?<br/>
That’s <em>suspicious</em>, San.<br/>
What else did he say?</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
He was just trying to make me feel better.<br/>
That’s all.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Not an answer.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
<em>If </em>I felt inclined to share more—which I don’t—<br/>
it <em>would</em> get your hopes up, without any solid basis.<br/>
And the <em>last</em> time you got all excited,<br/>
do you remember what happened?</p><p>Room for hope wasn’t the same as a solid basis for it to exist. It was more a shift in the sands than anything else. So not a lie.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
First off, fuck you, I’ll never be able to forget that.<br/>
Second, fine. Keep all your secrets.<br/>
Don’t ask me for help again!<br/>
Even gave you the address of the gym…<br/>
Some people are so ungrateful.</p><p>What did Wooyoung expect? That he’d tell him everything? They weren’t kids. He sighed. He shouldn’t have said anything.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
I’m sorry, Wooyoung.</p><p>He waited. No response.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Wooyoung?</p><p>He was being left on read? He rolled his eyes and put his phone down. He turned his attention back to his computer and opened up YouTube. He needed to check the comments on his last upload, respond to some, see what the general opinion was. He wondered if Mingi had left a comment. He smiled at the thought. Such a weird little coincidence, that one of Yeosang’s closest friends, the person whose own work had brought them together in that recording studio, was a long-time subscriber to his channel.</p><p>Wooyoung</p><p>He wasn’t asking San for every single detail—he didn’t want them! He just wanted this plan to work. And not temporarily. That day at the library…after…he couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried so much. Yeosang had <em>always</em> been there, and to find out how badly he’d failed at returning that support—what pure hell those days had been. He didn’t want to experience that again. Surely last night was the first step back towards...well, a new normal.</p><p>At least the insane overuse of honorifics was done, and they’d actually <em>talked</em>, about soulmates, no less. He understood some of Yeosang’s perspective. It did seem pushy, but wasn’t that what Fate was all about? Shoving people towards their destiny or something? He’d never heard of <em>bad</em> soulmate pairings. And, okay, to be in love with someone who wasn’t your soulmate, and give them up, just for that reason? Sounded hideous—but who would do that? You couldn’t really be in love, if you’d give someone up on the chance you <em>might</em> meet your soulmate, could you? They could be with someone else. If Fate wanted it to happen, it would!</p><p>Like the current situation. San in love for seven whole years, and Yeosang seemed to have <em>some</em> attachment still—and bam! They found each other again, through music, like they had when they were younger. If they <em>hadn’t</em> broken up, when they were both legal adults, a regular hug would have alerted them, and wouldn’t they have been happy back then? Of course, for that to have happened, Yeosang would have stayed in his hometown. And he’d probably never have met either of them. He frowned. Maybe he would have? Maybe if they’d kept it up long-distance? Too confusing.</p><p>But choice. That was Yeosang’s issue, right? Hadn’t them dating back then been their own choice? So being soulmates wasn’t forcing anything. Except the <em>way</em> they’d broken up, leading to Yeosang convinced nothing could ever be permanent, must’ve made that choice seem a terrible idea. Which, okay, yeah, that would make Fate an interfering bitch in his friend’s eyes.</p><p>Yet San was keeping something back. Something he thought somewhat hopeful. Wooyoung knew they had two different goals, but weren’t they supporting each other in pursuit of them? It didn’t seem quite fair to be refused proof their “plan” was working. It would certainly make <em>him</em> feel less nervous. San wasn’t the only source of information, of course….</p><p>
  <strong>JungWY:</strong><br/>
So! Do you know what style song you’ll sing with San?</p><p>He switched to a game app and played for a while, waiting for an answer.</p><p>
  <strong>KnowsMeWell:</strong><br/>
Nothing cute.</p><p>
  <strong>JungWY:</strong><br/>
Aww, but you’re cute!!</p><p>No, no, no, no! Why wasn’t there an “unsend” option! That kind of response was okay <em>before</em>, not now.</p><p>
  <strong>KnowsMeWell:</strong><br/>
Wooyoung.</p><p><strong>JungWY</strong>:<br/>
Habit?<br/>
Sorry.<br/>
But seriously—he’s got a lot of songs written.<br/>
And you’re trying to get this all done before the drama ends?</p><p>
  <strong>KnowsMeWell:</strong><br/>
Apparently, over the years, some of his songs…<br/>
he wrote duplicate versions, but in my range.<br/>
He wants me to pick from those.<br/>
Won’t take as long.</p><p>Why had San even <em>bothered</em> dating other people? He’d had some good times, and some of those sexy songs might have been inspired by one or two of those people—but compared to this? Writing songs for someone he didn’t think he’d ever meet again? Did Fate and Destiny actually mess with people’s heads?</p><p>
  <strong>JungWY:</strong><br/>
Don’t do sad songs, okay?<br/>
You <em>know</em> Seonghwa-hyung will stream the hell out of this, and honestly?<br/>
I hear enough of that with his dramas.</p><p>
  <strong>KnowsMeWell:</strong><br/>
Huh.<br/>
I guess he might have some sad songs in the mix.<br/>
Not like we parted on wonderful terms.</p><p>
  <strong>JungWY:</strong><br/>
But things are better now, aren’t they?<br/>
I mean, you both seemed normal last night.<br/>
Right?</p><p>He stared at the screen. No typing bubbles, nothing. Come <em>on</em>!</p><p>
  <strong>KnowsMeWell:</strong><br/>
I don’t hold it against him, personally—the soulmate thing.<br/>
Not his fault.<br/>
But if he didn’t believe in it, it’d be easier.</p><p>
  <strong>JungWY:</strong><br/>
Him wanting everything.<br/>
You, nothing.<br/>
No middle ground, is there?</p><p>
  <strong>KnowsMeWell:</strong><br/>
There is, of sorts.<br/>
But that isn’t what he wants.</p><p>There <em>was</em> a middle ground? San had said…Wooyoung chewed on a fingernail…San had said Yeosang had said he cared too much to let <em>anything</em> happen between them. Yeosang saying there was a middle ground was a totally different story. That made no sense.</p><p>Unless Yeosang saying it’d be easier if San didn’t believe in soulmates meant he’d changed his mind? San had made it clear—though he’d sounded depressed when he’d said it—that if the two of them had just met, and were <em>not</em> soulmates, there <em>would</em> be something. A fling wasn’t middle ground, but…Yeosang’s rare on-again/off-again people? Kind of? Not that San would ever go along with that.</p><p>But maybe he should? For a while? Wouldn’t he have a better chance at convincing Yeosang he wouldn’t leave, that more was possible, if he accepted the closest thing to permanent Yeosang understood? Probably hadn’t even occurred to him—how would it? San hadn’t known adult Yeosang, seen his habits, for as long as he had. He had to intervene. Only this time, he had to be careful what he said.</p><p>
  <strong>JungWY:</strong><br/>
Maybe he just doesn’t fully understand it?<br/>
The…middle ground.<br/>
Whatever that is!<br/>
None of my business.<br/>
At least he’s smart enough to know the song selection<br/>
needs to happen fast.<br/>
You going over today?</p><p>
  <strong>KnowsMeWell:</strong><br/>
Why would I?</p><p>
  <strong>JungWY:</strong><br/>
I texted him a little while ago.<br/>
This and that.<br/>
Song selection came up.<br/>
He was going to contact you?<br/>
To ask you to come by.</p><p>San would have to contact him, and soon. He might have thought about today. Really, with the time issues, he should have. It wasn’t like he had a duet all set to go. He wanted Yeosang to choose from songs he’d written for him. And then they’d have to practice. Together. Wooyoung grinned.</p><p>
  <strong>KnowsMeWell:</strong><br/>
He hasn’t.</p><p>
  <strong>JungWY:</strong><br/>
Weird.<br/>
Seems kinda rude if he waits too long.<br/>
For all he knows, you have a packed afternoon.<br/>
I know!<br/>
You’ll have to sing through the possible songs, right?<br/>
We could meet up, you and I, get a few bottles<br/>
of that special brand of tea you like?<br/>
Then surprise him!</p><p>
  <strong>KnowsMeWell:</strong><br/>
Surprise him.<br/>
I don’t think he’d like that.<br/>
I wouldn’t.</p><p>
  <strong>JungWY:</strong><br/>
I know <em>you</em> wouldn’t.<br/>
But I have his door code, I’ve shown up<br/>
without any warning lots of times.<br/>
His Sundays are so predictable.<br/>
Practice, go to the gym,<br/>
then work on songs.<br/>
He can’t work on anything until you pick one.</p><p>
  <strong>KnowsMeWell:</strong><br/>
I think I’ll just wait for him to text.</p><p>
  <strong>JungWY:</strong><br/>
Suit yourself.</p><p>
  <strong>KnowsMeWell:</strong><br/>
You’re just letting it go?</p><p>
  <strong>JungWY:</strong><br/>
I was trying to make what seems like<br/>
an incredibly boring afternoon more fun,<br/>
but if you’re not interested,<br/>
whatever.<br/>
I wonder which songs he wrote duplicates of.</p><p>
  <strong>KnowsMeWell:</strong><br/>
The two of you really <em>did</em> discuss song selection, today?</p><p>
  <strong>JungWY:</strong><br/>
Yup.</p><p>Super briefly, and more in a back and forth of who’d been more rattled by the idea of Yeosang singing <em>certain</em> songs, but the topic had been touched on!</p><p>
  <strong>KnowsMeWell:</strong><br/>
And you have his door code.</p><p>
  <strong>JungWY:</strong><br/>
Of course.</p><p>
  <strong>KnowsMeWell:</strong><br/>
That seems weird.</p><p>
  <strong>JungWY:</strong><br/>
I do spend a lot of time over there.<br/>
Why should they stop whatever they’re doing,<br/>
just to open the door for me?<br/>
Easier to tell me the code.</p><p>
  <strong>KnowsMeWell:</strong><br/>
Poor Yunho.</p><p>
  <strong>JungWY:</strong><br/>
Eh. He’s not as quiet as your few interactions<br/>
have maybe led you to believe.</p><p>
  <strong>KnowsMeWell:</strong><br/>
If we were to show up.<br/>
Suddenly.<br/>
He could be out.<br/>
At the gym, like you said.</p><p>
  <strong>JungWY:</strong><br/>
Then we sit on the couch and watch TV ‘til he gets back.<br/>
He’d have to shower first, then eat—<br/>
you could offer some of the tea?<br/>
And then you could settle into…however<br/>
you deal with song selection.</p><p>
  <strong>KnowsMeWell:</strong><br/>
You’d be staying through all of this?</p><p>
  <strong>JungWY:</strong><br/>
Rather not stick around for a song debate.<br/>
I really do love your voice!<br/>
But that one music class in high school?<br/>
Scarred me a little.</p><p>
  <strong>KnowsMeWell:</strong><br/>
If you’d <em>practiced</em>, she wouldn’t have had you stand<br/>
in front of the whole class, making you sing each<br/>
stanza five times in a row.<br/>
Your own fault.</p><p>
  <strong>JungWY:</strong><br/>
The whole week before had been perfect weather for outdoor photos.<br/>
I <em>had</em> to have a fantastic portfolio to get into college!<br/>
More important than one stupid song.</p><p>
  <strong>KnowsMeWell:</strong><br/>
Hah!<br/>
Um.<br/>
I was going to run errands today.<br/>
But if he’s wanting to go through the songs….</p><p>
  <strong>JungWY:</strong><br/>
That tea you like is popular, right?<br/>
It should be sold at his neighborhood store.<br/>
Meet you there in an hour?</p><p>
  <strong>KnowsMeWell:</strong><br/>
I…guess.<br/>
Sure.</p><p>slightly more than one hour later</p><p>Wooyoung tapped in the code, and pushed the apartment door open, waving Yeosang ahead of him.</p><p>“San?” Please let him be home. Please let him be home.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>He heard two faint thuds from the bedroom. Oh. Oh, wow. Fate was on his side today!</p><p>“What are you….” His voice trailed off, as he stopped outside his door, staring at Yeosang.</p><p>Glee ran through Wooyoung as he looked from one to the other. San had been working out at home. Had been for a while, by the looks of it. And only wearing gym shorts. Yeosang had gently placed the plastic bags of tea on the floor, then stood up, and was staring back at him with extreme interest. Well. He’d guessed right!</p><p>“San, did you tell Wooyoung you meant to invite me over today to decide on a song?”</p><p>“I…uh…no? But. Um. I need to shower. Get dressed. Don’t leave! But could you turn the other way? Shower’s separate. Remember?”</p><p>Yeosang nodded, picked up the bags, and walked into the kitchenette to put the bottles in the fridge. San glared at Wooyoung, but said nothing, rushing to grab clothing, then across the hall to shower. Once the door closed, Yeosang turned around and looked at Wooyoung, one eyebrow raised.</p><p>“Did you lie to me today?”</p><p>“No! I did text San earlier. We did talk about you and songs. I think the entire conversation was about you? I never actually said he said today. Just…maybe implied it? And really, he should have arranged it for today! You’re on a schedule!”</p><p>Yeosang stepped out of the kitchenette and stood a few feet from Wooyoung.</p><p>“Hmm. You still led me to believe something false. San…,” he glanced at the hallway, “was obviously not expecting anyone to stop by. It makes me wonder, Wooyoung…if I had chosen to date you, instead of just remaining friends, could I have trained you out of this bad habit of yours, of surprises? Plans you make up on your own are never as fun as plans you make <em>with</em> someone, you know.”</p><p>What?</p><p>Yeosang leaned against the end of the counter and dropped his gaze to the…floor? No, he realized with a swirl of dizziness. He was examining <em>him</em>. From his feet up. Slowly. When his eyes were level with Wooyoung’s mouth, he paused, sighed, then continued to look up. There was a strange sort of gleam in his eyes. Impossible to look away.</p><p>“Do you remember Youngtaek, from high school? Your friend? Same year as Seonghwa-hyung.”</p><p>“Yeah. He was your friend, too.” Why had Yeosang <em>sighed</em>, looking at his <em>mouth</em>? The hell?</p><p>A faint smile appeared. “For a long while, yes. Then he was more. Not everyone I’ve dated has been flexible, but now that I think about it, quite a few were. I guess my subconscious likes the increase in options.”</p><p>“Options?”</p><p>“Flexibility leads to more options in bed. Or out of bed. Anywhere, really.”</p><p>Oh. Okay. That’s maybe why he hadn’t said…Youngtaek-hyung. If they’d been that close, maybe…well…it was up to them.</p><p>“It’s not necessary, of course. The only thing that’s necessary is desire.” His eyes dropped down to Wooyoung’s mouth for a few seconds, then flashed back up. The gleam was almost a glitter.</p><p>“Ah.” Summer air felt like pressure, but he’d never noticed it inside the apartment, before.</p><p>“Keeping someone a friend doesn’t mean they’re less desirable, Wooyoung-ah. It’s just, moving from friendship to more, it’s a risk. Difficult to stay in contact when it’s never meant to be long-term. Most people feel awkward. Youngtaek and I still talk, though, sometimes. He’s doing really well.”</p><p>“That’s…good to hear.”</p><p>“Since I wanted to stay friends with you for as long as I could, I could never risk that shift.” He smiled. “To more,” he added.</p><p>Wooyoung tried to take a deep breath. It didn’t work.</p><p>“I wanted to hear you and see you and talk with you and laugh with you, often. Which meant friends only. Though I had dreams.” He shrugged. “You and your gorgeous mouth. Sometimes soft, sometimes not, but always delicious.”</p><p>His throat felt dry. He pointed at the fridge, feeling helpless. Yeosang turned back into the kitchenette, opened the door, and pulled out a bottle of tea. Closing the door and stepping back, he handed it over.</p><p>Wooyoung uncapped it and took several swallows. Better. Sort of.</p><p>“You know that framed photograph in my apartment? The one that Canadian exchange student took last year, when my hair was black, and not near so long as now? The one with a wide piece of lace tied across my eyes?”</p><p>That photo. The angel/devil photo. He nodded, raising the bottle of tea again.</p><p>“You thought it was just shirtless, didn’t you? It wasn’t. Part of a whole nude series, actually.”</p><p>He lowered the bottle and stared at Yeosang in shock. That photo, which he’d seen dozens of times….</p><p>“After I saw all of them, I wondered how the series would have looked if you had been the photographer.”</p><p>A year ago. He couldn’t have. Even if Yeosang had asked. Because San. Though a year ago, San had been dating someone. Sleeping with that someone. So just…taking pictures?</p><p>“I dreamed about it, a few times, though in those dreams, the photo sessions were never completed. It got too distracting. Your mouth, you know. And dream-me, posing in the nude. Like I did for the exchange student, though he was more interested in the photos than anything else. Which was fine. He was fun to date.”</p><p>Mouth. Nude poses. Wooyoung staggered back a few steps.</p><p>“Not all my dreams are so selfish, but I don’t know how you <em>sound</em>, so those…hm…two dreams? I think it was only twice? More generic, and less you.”</p><p>Too much. Too much to process. He tried desperately to latch onto something <em>neutral</em>, something he understood. “You’re not…you’re not selfish.” He wasn’t.</p><p>“If it’s just me getting off in a dream, that’s selfish.” Yeosang said calmly. “Those two dreams where your mouth wasn’t the main focus, they weren’t fully you. People assume loud in general—like you can be—means loud <em>all</em> the time, but some people go silent. I always ask, since screamers in an apartment make neighbors complain. If they are…I can be prepared. But these were dreams, Wooyoung. Because you’re only my friend, I had no reason to ask you.”</p><p>Oh. Oh, God. He understood. Yeosang had dreamed…oh, God. Would <em>he</em> dream of all this, tonight? How could he <em>not</em>? He’d told San if friends with benefits had been a thing, then…San. Oh, no. His heart was racing because of dreams San’s soulmate had had about <em>him</em>.</p><p>“Why did you tell me all this?” He swallowed more of the tea. Cleared his throat. “You’re…you’re San’s…why?”</p><p>“Dreams aren’t anything to feel guilty for, Wooyoung. Having them, or learning about them. It’s just knowledge, of sorts. What you do with knowledge, <em>that</em> matters. Like today. You knew nothing was planned, but you made it seem real, so I trusted you. Just when things were starting to be…different-good in a way that…confuses me, you pulled a stunt like this.” He sighed. “I could ask you why, too. But I don’t know if that’d be wise. I don’t want to repeat what happened before. Your reasons might make me feel obliged to. That left me a choice: make sure you remembered this day, so you won’t try to interfere like this again. Are you going to forget me confessing all those dreams I had?” Yeosang smiled.</p><p>“No,” he said faintly. Yeosang’s “selfish dreams”? Forget those? Nope. “But…San.”</p><p>The smile faded. “It’s my choice how I manage my life. How I keep my friendships, or not, for as long as they last. San has no say in that. I don’t <em>belong</em> to him. There’s no relationship between us. If I wanted to, I could go out on <em>real</em> dates—not just sparring with Minjee—but I don’t feel like it, at present. Next week? Who knows?”</p><p>That did not sound hopeful for San. But for him? Yeosang hadn’t wanted to push him away. Which was pretty huge, compared to how he’d operated for years. Persuading Yeosang to come over here…what had he thought would happen? That San would suddenly cave in? What would he say if he knew everything Yeosang had just said, and why he’d said it? He bit his lip.</p><p>“You can go, if you want, Wooyoung.”</p><p>“You’re staying?”</p><p>“We do have to make the song selection. Boring as you think it is.”</p><p>He felt like a coward. Setting this up, then fleeing. But facing San, after all the very personal information Yeosang had just shared? He was <em>not</em> up for that.</p><p>“Okay.” He hesitated. It might make things even weirder, but…. He took quick steps back to Yeosang, and wrapped his arms around him in a quick hug. He’d missed that. “Thank you,” he whispered. “Strangest scold I’ve ever had, but thank you.” He let go, put the bottle on the counter, and turned to the door. Five steps, and he was gone.</p><p>San</p><p>He waited until he heard the front door shut before he pushed off the door frame into the hall and walked into the main living area.</p><p>“Real dates, huh?” It hurt to say.</p><p>Yeosang turned into the kitchenette and pulled out two bottles of what looked like tea. Set one down and uncapped the other. “Not presently.” He took a sip, then walked back to the mat near the door, balancing on one foot, then the other, as he removed his shoes.</p><p>“You and I, we could do that.”</p><p>He pivoted toward the couch. “Don’t really see how.”</p><p>“We did it before.”</p><p>Yeosang sat down and took another sip. “I don’t recall being physically rejected back then.”</p><p>“There were other people around last night.” It still unnerved him, that someone could have turned around and <em>seen</em>.</p><p>“Meaning if we’d been alone, you’d have said yes?”</p><p>He rubbed his temple.</p><p>“And that’s why I don’t see how.”</p><p>“Dating also involves emotions,” San shot back. “Which, six days ago, and even last night, you made clear were off-limits. Hell, six days ago, you said you wouldn’t do anything, and yet last night…do you have any idea how confusing that is? I don’t even know why you changed your mind! Partly, at any rate.”</p><p>“I don’t know, either.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I don’t know. Maybe it was you not saying anything when I thanked you for that first kiss. The second I touched you, you reacted. The more I did, the more I said, the more turned on you got. Seeing you feel pleasure because of me just…made me want to give you more. That’s my bliss. Of the people I’ve dated, the ones I’ve asked or said yes to, for sex? I wanted to give, more than receive. It’s…joyous, bringing someone up, up, up, and then pushing them over the edge. Being told they’re close, so close, and you’re not really focused, yourself, but you figure it out—it’s like a small miracle. Last night, it was just…you. Beautiful, beautiful you, holding yourself back, and I <em>knew</em> you didn’t want to. The muscles under my hand were so tight. If you’d said yes, Sani, I’d have been so happy. It would have been glorious to watch you fall.”</p><p>“How…how do you do that?” he asked breathlessly, as he sank down on the floor, gazing up at the other’s shining eyes.</p><p>Yeosang blinked. “How do I do what?”</p><p>“Paint such vivid pictures with words, it’s like I see and feel what you do. It’s…overwhelming.”</p><p>“Oh…well, how else are people supposed to know they’re desired, unless I tell them? Until a relationship ends, why would I ever stop telling them how much I want them?”</p><p>Wow.</p><p>“Like…daily affirmations?” San replied, trying to smile.</p><p>“No. That’d be weird. Like a routine. It’s just…whenever it occurs to me. Though I prefer saying it in person.”</p><p>He was so <em>different</em> now. Though if you saw it as a form of encouragement and praise? If so, he’d never held back on that.</p><p>“So, no sexting people.” He forced out a laugh.</p><p>“Why would you think that?” Yeosang took another sip. “That’s entirely different. I’m fine with it if the other person’s interested. It’s good to be…flexible,” his lips quirked in a half smile.</p><p>And here he was again, in an unsafe conversation. Every path he tried to steer out of it, made it worse.</p><p>Desire—desire was filling all his thoughts. He shifted restlessly. And Yeosang seemed so <em>calm</em>. Any other topic, to cool down. He hadn’t planned to bring it up, but….</p><p>“I overheard more of what you told Wooyoung,” he said in a rush.</p><p>“Did you?”</p><p>That was it?</p><p>“You had dreams about him? And you told him those dreams. That’s going to make things awkward.”</p><p>“No.” Yeosang took a few sips. “This tea really is good—I left that bottle on the counter for you. If you’re not going to drink it, though, you should put it back in the fridge.”</p><p>Right. He should take care of that. Stand up, get the tea—he could use something to drink—then, like any normal person, sit next to his guest on the couch.</p><p>“Oh. Thanks.” It really wasn’t that difficult. Just stand up—okay, done. Walk, he could do that. He stared at the bottle on the counter for a few seconds, then picked it up, and turned around. Yeosang had pulled out his cellphone and—was he playing a game on it? Rude. He stalked over to the couch, and dropped down, twisted off the cap and drank a good fourth.</p><p>“Good, isn’t it?”</p><p>“Uh, yeah.” He glanced at Yeosang—less than two feet away—his attention mostly on the game. Honestly! Always changing topics, and in such a way it made it difficult to change them back, whenever he didn’t want to discuss something. Not today. Wooyoung was his friend, too, and while he didn’t particularly want to know the conversational details he’d missed, he did want to know why Yeosang wasn’t worried. Though now Wooyoung would understand the torture, and not tease. Benefit there.</p><p>“How can you be so sure it won’t be awkward? With Wooyoung. After…whatever you said.”</p><p>Yeosang let out a long-suffering sigh, locked his phone, and turned to face San. His hair—he hadn’t paid attention really, but now, this close, looking right at him—was pulled back in a smoothly silver ponytail. It drew more attention to his eyes, and the amused glint in them.</p><p>“Because he hugged me before he left. Thanked me for…let’s call it a fixed reminder to him, not to interfere again.”</p><p>“He <em>thanked you</em> for telling him about two dreams you had of him, but not him? Because your dream-brain had to invent how he’d <em>sound</em>?” That was not normal.</p><p>“Not that specifically, no. He’d manipulated a situation again. That’s twice, pushing his agenda on me. Instead of walking out, which I didn’t want to do, I chose to leave a strong impression on him. So that any time he even thinks about plotting, he has vivid memories attached to the last time he did so, and will…refrain. He was thanking me for that. For not reacting like I did, before.”</p><p>That…really was progress. Wooyoung had taken a terrible risk, but this time…well, he truly wouldn’t forget. How could he? Though that meant….</p><p>“An impression that strong, um. He’s probably going to have…his own dreams, you know. About everything you told him. And, no! Please don’t tell me. You might not find it awkward, but <em>I</em> would. I heard enough.” Including the dating other people part. He frowned.</p><p>“It won’t be the first time he’s had sex dreams about me,” Yeosang replied, as he rolled his neck side to side, eyes closed.</p><p>“Ah.” He recalled what Wooyoung had said at the photo shoot. “Maybe not. But you gave him a <em>lot</em> of information! You can’t just tell people you’ve dreamed about fucking them, and have it not be weird!”</p><p>“Is it weird for you?” Yeosang’s eyes were still closed, head tilted in a stretch.</p><p>Back in dangerous waters. San tried to think of a response, images of his own dreams flashing in his mind, his heart rate speeding up. He took several sips of tea, trying to calm down.</p><p>Yeosang opened his eyes. “Are you playing the not-talking game again? Like last night?”</p><p>Because he’d only taken a sip, he didn’t choke. He had a brief coughing fit, instead.</p><p>“No,” he managed.</p><p>“No to which?”</p><p>“Not playing any games,” he said quickly. “And it’s not weird. But I <em>can</em> tell you, when <em>you</em> say what you say, the <em>way</em> you say it? Anything he’s dreamed before will be like…like nothing. How is that <em>not</em> going to be awkward?”</p><p>“Hmm. What <em>are</em> you dreaming about, Sani? If nothing you’ve ever dreamed before is close to what you dream of, now?” Yeosang propped an arm against the back of the couch, and rested his head against his raised hand, eyes intent on his face.</p><p>Damn it.</p><p>“That’s…that’s not the point.” What was? “It might not be awkward right now, but after tonight? No way he won’t dream about it tonight.” No one had these kinds of conversations. No one except anyone talking to Yeosang. “And it will be awkward <em>then</em>.”</p><p>“Do stop obsessing about that. Think about the positives. First, because I confessed all those dreams, he won’t repeat his mistake again. I’d not be able to forgive him that. So, he’s still, for now, a friend. Of sorts. Which is good, yes?”</p><p>“Yes.” It was amazing.</p><p>“Second, if his dreams become as lively as you believe they will, he might start dating again. It’s been a while. Third,” the amusement from earlier was back, “he might be grateful. Maybe his dreams were getting a bit boring, and what I told him today might perk things up. At night.” Yeosang grinned.</p><p>San stared at him incredulously. “You’re impossible.”</p><p>“You’re the one who wanted to discuss Wooyoung, instead of your own dreams.”</p><p>“Only because <em>you</em> told him so much!”</p><p>“I actually didn’t. Kept it as minimal as I could. You, though, I’d tell you as many details as you’d like to know. About dreams about you.”</p><p>San inhaled sharply. Desire.</p><p>“By your own admission, you’ve never begged a partner to stop playing around, and just get to it. And last night, you were almost entirely quiet, except for that enchanting little gasp, when I asked if you wanted me to keep going. So last night, I dreamed you’re the kind of person who goes silent. Are you?”</p><p>An uncontrollable shudder ran through him.</p><p>“Ah,” Yeosang said softly. He took a deep breath, and let it out slowly, eyes locked with San’s. “That cover you sent me was lovely. But you know…it isn’t fair to insist on all or nothing, when another person has left behind a similar view, and stands…closer to the middle than they have in a long time. Do think about that, okay?”</p><p>The song had made that much of an impact?</p><p>“Sani. Breathe.”</p><p>Oh. Right.</p><p>“Drink some tea.”</p><p>Another good idea. He sipped slowly, watching Yeosang stand up and stretch.</p><p>“We should decide on a song. So you can start rearranging.”</p><p>“Yeah. A little ironic, that. Today wasn’t planned, but I printed off all the duplicates in your range a few hours ago.” He twisted the cap back on the bottle and set it on the ground. “I’ll go get them.”</p><p>Yeosang nodded, humming to himself.</p><p>This day, San thought, was not turning out at all like he’d expected.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Just in case it wasn't clear, the two "faint thuds" from the bedroom were dumbbells.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Decisions, Options, Choices.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So....the drama/filming deal? All I do know is that most dramas used to be, and far as I know, many still are, filmed VERY close to release nights..... I read one story of a drama being filmed in segments, and each segment rushed to the studio the very night it was airing! Some things are difficult to find accurate info on, tho......so we're going to go with the timing making sense. Even if the actual events? Wouldn't happen. Needed it for the story, tho, so! Writer liberties. :)  (Also! The female idol isn't meant to be anyone. It's just a name I found, looking online, so if there's anyone famous with that name? NOT meant to be them.)</p><p>And, yes, I do sometimes set tropes on fire, but it'll be okay! I promise. :) This is the longest chapter I've written yet. Some clues and cues and foreshadowing answered.....and others set up.</p><p>Reminder: this Yeosang can be *very* straightforward.</p><p>Contact Text ID reminders:<br/>Yeosang (KangYS): San (NeverYou), Wooyoung (MoreThanYouKnow), Mingi (MostTrusted), Seonghwa (Hyung), Yunho (Giant), Yeosang's mother (MotherOfTeachers)</p><p>San (ChoiS): Wooyoung (LongLostTwin) and Mingi (PublishedAuthor)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yeosang<br/>
still Sunday, a couple hours later</p><p>“I think it’s got to be this one,” Yeosang waved the sheets of paper in his hand, “or that one.” He pointed to the papers on the couch, next to San. He walked back and forth in front of the television. “Would one be more difficult to rearrange than the other?”</p><p>“No. Of all the songs available, you picked two relatively simple ones. Give me a day or so, I can rewrite what’s necessary, for a duet. But the one you’re holding.” His eyes flickered up, then back down. “It might be more difficult. Not that long ago, you said a filmed duet, with me, you’d need to…have something to draw on, to make it believable.”</p><p>“And?”</p><p>“The song you’re holding is about…falling in love. And you and I aren’t….”</p><p>“Anything but soulmates? True. But I remember what it was like, falling in love with you. That’s enough for me to work with.” A little risky, to use those memories, project them into a song he’d be singing with San, <em>now</em>, but he could do it. For a simple song, it was breathtaking. It’d be worth the pain, professionally.</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>How could one word sound so disheartened? It made him feel uncomfortable. But what did San expect? He’d explained multiple times, in different ways, that love was off-limits. And really, they’d only been back in each other’s lives for less than a month! After more than six years! He wasn’t an entirely different person, but the trust and hope he’d had back then? Nothing near the same. Dangerous even to think it.</p><p>“If you don’t want to, we can pick the other. No extra effort required for me to sing a duet about longing—just another word for desire. It’s a daily truth, for me. Regarding you.”</p><p>“It’s not…untrue for me, either.”</p><p>Yeosang <em>knew</em> that. He took a long, quiet breath. He had to give San time to think about fairness. If he would be willing to compromise….</p><p>“You’re sure on one of these two? None of the others?”</p><p>The songs had been in more styles, with more themes, than he’d expected, but he couldn’t pull off playful without more practice than they had time for, and he’d promised to avoid sad. The sexy songs…those had been tempting, but probably not the best idea.</p><p>“Based on lyrical appeal, yes.”</p><p>“The falling in love song, then.”</p><p>Damn.</p><p>“Okay. Where did you have in mind to record?”</p><p>San stood up slowly.</p><p>“Where I always do.” He cleared his throat. “At my keyboard. In my bedroom.”</p><p>“That won’t work. You only have one mic, and we need this to stand out. We could rent a studio—you know how to do all the…sound…stuff, right?”</p><p>San raised an eyebrow.</p><p>“Fine, stupid question. So, we just need someone to film us.”</p><p>“Price point, Yeosang.”</p><p>“Might be able to hire somebody at a lower rate than you think. I know someone.”</p><p>“Someone you used to <em>know</em>?”</p><p>How many people did San think he’d slept with? Even if the number was as high as he seemed to think, it was irritating to be judged by someone jealous of something he could <em>have</em>, if he wasn’t so insistent on <em>everything</em>.</p><p>“Get off it, San.”</p><p>He pulled out his phone and scrolled down his contact list.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Youngjo-hyung, when you have a chance, need your advice.<br/>
My agent’s set me up to do a collab with a YouTuber.<br/>
Singer/songwriter.<br/>
Same person who wrote an OST I sang.<br/>
The drama’s still ongoing, so good exposure for both of us.<br/>
He’s good, sold some songs, but his set-up won’t work for two.<br/>
We can rent a studio, but we’d need someone to film.<br/>
<em>You</em> are too expensive to hire, but do you know anyone?<br/>
Someone just out of school, who wouldn’t charge as much?</p><p>“Okay. He’ll probably text me back later today, maybe tomorrow. Hopefully, he’ll have some names. Otherwise—.” Why was Youngjo-hyung calling him?</p><p>San’s expression looked a little sour. “Guess he wants to talk to you quicker than that.”</p><p>“Shut up and be professional.”</p><p>Yeosang stepped away, and answered the call.</p><p>“I wasn’t expecting you to answer so quickly. You bored, hyung?”</p><p>“Farthest thing from it. I should’ve thought of you. Out of the blue, though, you might not have agreed. But you need a videographer. I’ll do it, half my normal fee, if you’ll help me out.”</p><p>“How could I possibly help you out? You’re filming—I can hear it behind you.”</p><p>“That’s <em>exactly</em> what I need help in. Hear me out, before you say no. I would not ask this, except I know you can do it. This drama, there’s a small scene, so short, but it’s crucial to the plot. The leads are about to split up, arguing in a park, suddenly she claps a hand over his mouth because she’s spotted a young couple lost in the moment, and they both briefly stare, realizing that was <em>them</em>, twelve episodes ago. The passionate kissing part, not the actual people. Realizations, feelings, all that. Problem is, that young couple? The PD fired the guy ten minutes ago. Can’t say I blame him. He made Saehoon look talented.”</p><p>“Horrifying thought.”</p><p>“Everyone’s scrambling to think of a solution, and then you texted. You. You’re the solution. You replace the guy, I’ll film your collab, half-fee.”</p><p>“Youngjo-hyung, I can’t act.”</p><p>“Doesn’t matter. There’s no dialogue. It’s a short scene, closed set—idol actors, you know? We have to do it tonight, episode airs tomorrow. All you have to do is kiss the actress, make it look <em>real</em>, like it’s all you want to do in that moment, that’s it. Less hassle than when you tried to teach Saehoon. Jiyeong’s sweet, and a quick learner. Her first role.”</p><p>“The PD’s going to agree to this?” Yeosang asked skeptically.</p><p>“He knows I’m one half of the kiss demo. I vouch for your skills and looks, he’ll say yes. He just needs it done. Now. Grab a taxi, take the subway, whatever’s fastest to get to the address I text you. They’re filming in Jeju next week, but I’m not with that crew. From this Wednesday to next Tuesday, I’m mostly free. Half-price, Yeosang. Efficient problem solving for both of us.”</p><p>Flawlessly efficient. Except, perhaps…</p><p>“Possible problem. My hair’s a little longer than last time you saw me, and it’s silver.”</p><p>There was a pause on the line.</p><p>“You’re supposed to be a young couple. Young people dye their hair all shades. We’ll adjust the lighting if we have to. You’re still the best choice.”</p><p>“Okay, then.”</p><p>“Excellent. I’ll text you the address. See you soon.”</p><p>Within seconds, his phone lit up with a message. Half an hour to the park named, if he hurried, and there weren’t any delays. He handed the song sheets to San.</p><p>“I got us a deal. Same person who filmed my OST, that’s who I was talking to. He’ll film us, half-price, if I do him a favor. Probably the whole crew a favor, if the PD’s mad.”</p><p>“What kind of favor? You don’t act.” San frowned at him in confusion.</p><p>Yeosang walked to the door, and tugged his shoes on.</p><p>“It’s a non-speaking bit part. But the actor who was cast just got fired, and they’re filming <em>now</em>, so I have to, quite literally, run. The episode airs tomorrow night, watch it then if you want.”</p><p>He pulled the door open.</p><p>“Yeosang! What’s the drama’s name?”</p><p>“No clue, but it’s Monday-Tuesday, and enough idol actors to have a closed set. Ask Seonghwa-hyung. I’m sure he’ll know. I have to do book edits tomorrow, and Tuesday, vocal lessons. Text me when you’ve rearranged the song. Bye!”</p><p>an hour or so later</p><p>Once on set, he’d been guided by a crew member to the stylists, then whisked away to a trailer. Now, hair pulled into a cleaner ponytail, skin feeling sticky-hot under the foundation and whatever else they’d put on his face, he followed another crew member to his designated area. His own clothes and shoes they’d approved—good thing he’d chosen a nice outfit today. A petite, stunning actress sat on a bench—waiting for him, he guessed. She stood as hurried introductions were made, then the crew dashed off. She looked nervous.</p><p>“Did anyone explain to you who I am? Why I’m here?”</p><p>“Uh, yes.” She looked down at the ground. “Like…a professional…kisser.”</p><p>No pressure there.</p><p>“I guess that works for tonight. How old are you?”</p><p>She looked back up. “24.”</p><p>“Same year as me. Good.”</p><p>She gave him a small smile.</p><p>“So I know, Jiyeong-ssi, what went wrong with the actor cast for this part?’</p><p>“He was…he was gross. Tried to shove his tongue in my mouth, and…I don’t know what else. It’s not written like that in the script. It just says a ‘passionate kiss.’ They don’t have to be like that, do they? Aggressive and sort of…,” she made a face, “sloppy.”</p><p>“Jiyeong-ssi,” he asked carefully, “have you ever kissed anyone before tonight?”</p><p>Her eyes widened and she looked around frantically.</p><p>“Closed set, no one’s paying us any attention,” he said, more softly</p><p>“Yes,” she whispered. “When I was a trainee. In high school. It’s a secret.”</p><p>“I’ll never tell,” he promised. Not her first kiss, that was a help, but next to no experience, and the fired jackass had unnerved her. Reassurance first.</p><p>“Kisses like the script describes,” he continued, “aren’t like that.” Not good ones, at least. “Passionate is more about…not wanting to stop. In my experience. They’re usually open-mouthed to some degree, but tongues…don’t have to be involved. Especially when one person doesn’t want it.” He smiled at her. He’d had enough unexpected and unusual conversations in the past two days, giving a mini lecture like this barely registered. “I have an idea, okay?”</p><p>She nodded.</p><p>“We’ll work our way up. Close your eyes. How about we start with you thinking about the person you most want to kiss right now?”</p><p>“I haven’t, though. I can’t. He—we’re both idols.”</p><p>He sighed. Of course. He’d just…paint her a…pastel picture. Very lightly, he rested his hands at her waist. She was quite possibly the tiniest female he’d ever been about to kiss.</p><p>“All right. For now, pretend I’m that person. What would you want to do?”</p><p>Her shoulders hunched. Hm. Too embarrassing to say, probably.</p><p>“Nevermind. Let me talk it through. Anything I say is too much, pinch me.”</p><p>Her shoulders dropped, and she giggled. Good. He didn’t think anything he said <em>would</em> be too much—more likely he’d be cringing inside his mind than her being bothered—but just in case….</p><p>“You have down time, between filming and waiting for winner announcements, right? At those shows? Let’s say you’re both recording on the same day, and he passes you in the hall, and hands you a note.”</p><p>“We’d be caught,” she interrupted.</p><p>“No,” he said firmly. “We’re pretending, Jiyeong-ssi. <em>Somehow</em> you’re both able to get away from all the staff, all the managers, everyone. There’s an unlocked door to a small room. You wouldn’t be able to do much, with you both in costumes, makeup, hair. Maybe the lightest of kisses.”</p><p>Yeosang leaned down—she was so short—tilted her head up, and brushed her mouth, feather-light.</p><p>“You hurry back to your group—you can’t be gone long—and you don’t look any different in the mirror. But you feel different. You just kissed <em>him</em>. That’s in your mind now. When you’re being driven to a fan meeting, you close your eyes, not to nap, but to play it over again in your head. But you’re so tired, you fall asleep. And you dream. In that dream, it’s the same moment, but it’s changed. You don’t have to be <em>as</em> careful.”</p><p>One hand on the side of her face, he leaned in again, a little more pressure, a little longer. Simple and basic, he thought, straightening up.</p><p>“Every time you have a chance to close your eyes, tune out the world, you go right back to that moment, and each time—would you want more?”</p><p>“Yes,” she whispered.</p><p>“Okay. Keep your eyes closed. Pretend I’m him. You’ve repeated that moment in your head so many times, it’s not enough for it to be a few seconds. Give me your hands.” He looped them around his neck. “There. That gives you control. You can pull him towards you, you can decide how long it lasts. You deserve that. What he wants isn’t all that matters. What you want matters. Pretend I am <em>him</em>.”</p><p>She pulled herself up, and him down, and, again, he kissed her.</p><p>Suddenly, more lights were on them, and he heard voices chattering. She froze. A crew member called out a five-minute warning. Hm. He pulled away slightly.</p><p>“The script just says our characters are filmed kissing, right? In the middle of a kiss?”</p><p>She gave him a minute nod, peering at him though slightly opened eyes.</p><p>“Then ignore them. It’ll be fine. Forget they exist. Close your eyes again. Just think about him. I’m just standing in for him, remember? How many times have you played it through now, twenty, thirty times? You’re starting to take more control now. If he kisses you gently—”</p><p>He repeated the initial, light kiss.</p><p>“That isn’t enough now, is it? How would you make sure he didn’t break away? He doesn’t want to, you know. He’s kissing you because you both want it. So how do you keep him close?”</p><p>She laced her fingers tightly together behind his neck.</p><p>“Good. Would you want him to pull you against him?”</p><p>She swallowed, then whispered, “Yes.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>He leaned down again, one arm curved around her, hand at the base of her spine, his other hand at the back of her head. He pressed his forehead against hers.</p><p>“Focus on him. Nothing else and no one else. Whatever it is you want. Whatever you want to feel. It’s just as important as what he wants. You have these few minutes, in this room, that’s all you have right now, <em>use them</em>.”</p><p>He ducked his head, kissing her. When she stopped for air, he gave her a second to gulp in a breath, and when her mouth was still open, kissed her again. Her fingers tightened further, and finally, finally, she kissed him back. Quick learner, indeed, he thought, stroking the back of her hair, letting her pull him closer. He heard the call for action and ignored it. The next slight break to breathe, he inhaled fast and whispered very quietly, “He dreams about you, too.” And <em>that</em> got a response.</p><p>“Cut!”</p><p>She jerked back, startled. He smoothed her hair again, relaxing his arms and letting her go, smiling at her. She blinked a few times at him, as the lights dimmed, then dropped her arms to her sides.</p><p>“Wrap for the night!” he heard someone call, and shook his head. Drama sets were weird.</p><p>“You’re a good actress,” Yeosang commented, as they walked back to the stylists. Would he have to wear the makeup home, he wondered? Hopefully, they had removal wipes or something.</p><p>“Um, thank you. It’s my first time. Just a small part. I have some lines, in a few other episodes, but I’ve never acted before.”</p><p>“Is it fun?”</p><p>“For the most part. I wouldn’t…I wouldn’t have thought of kissing like that,” she said, glancing away briefly. “Not without you suggesting it.”</p><p>“Maybe not, but suggestions aren’t always enough,” he said dryly. “You have a natural gift.”</p><p>“Um, for acting, or for…?”</p><p>Gentle, gentle, he reminded himself. The industry sucks, and it’s probably still years before she can date without backlash.</p><p>“I’d say you’re overall gifted.”</p><p>Monday night</p><p>[New Group Chat]</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
A bit part.</p><p>
  <strong>Hyung:</strong><br/>
Yeosang….</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
Um.</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
You’re in dramas, now?</p><p>
  <strong>Giant:</strong><br/>
Dude.<br/>
You kissed Jiyeong.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I take it the episode aired?</p><p><strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
You didn’t watch it??</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Didn’t ask about broadcast time.<br/>
Didn’t care.</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
You didn’t want to see yourself on TV????</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Nothing worth watching.<br/>
And, yes, San, the very definition of a bit part.</p><p>
  <strong>Giant:</strong><br/>
Is Jiyeong that beautiful in real life?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Yes, Yunho.<br/>
She’s also very, very short.<br/>
I felt tall.<br/>
</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Nothing worth watching, he says.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I can’t imagine how it would be.<br/>
More time…rehearsing?<br/>
No, that’s the wrong word.<br/>
Coaching.<br/>
Much more time spent coaching than filming.<br/>
But not her fault.<br/>
Dirtbag actor I subbed in for was terrible and<br/>
made her anxious.</p><p>
  <strong>Giant:</strong><br/>
You got to coach Jiyeong.<br/>
In kissing.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
She is sweet and innocent and stop talking about it like that.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
It did not look like an innocent kiss.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
It’s called acting.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
You said you don’t act.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I didn’t.<br/>
I served a purpose.<br/>
Created a mood/environment where <em>she</em> could act.</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
So…you let yourself…be used?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Hmm.<br/>
Essentially, yes.</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
But why?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Because Youngjo-hyung’s part of the film crew.<br/>
He also filmed that OST video we watched Saturday.<br/>
He was with that drama, too.<br/>
If I subbed in, he offered to film the Youtube<br/>
collab at a lower price.<br/>
It was a practical choice.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Why did he call <em>you</em> to make such an offer?<br/>
How could he have known it would be a fair bargain?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Because Saehoon was <em>so</em> bad at his kissing scenes,<br/>
in the drama earlier this year, when personal<br/>
efforts on my part weren’t enough, I thought<br/>
a demo might help.<br/>
Youngjo-hyung was the other half of the demo.<br/>
He knew I could fill last night’s role.<br/>
I’m sure they’d have preferred to re-cast with<br/>
a real actor, but they didn’t have time.<br/>
It’s to our benefit.<br/>
He’s amazingly skilled. Unaffordable, except for our “bargain.”</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Skilled.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
San. Stop it.<br/>
He’s a very skilled cameraman.</p><p>
  <strong>Hyung:</strong><br/>
Yeosang, you’re trending again.<br/>
In searches.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
What on earth for?</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
The kiss!</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
That’s impossible.<br/>
I’m sure my name’s not mentioned anywhere.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
You got fans after the OST video was released.<br/>
Apparently some watch this drama.<br/>
They recognized you.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
How?<br/>
My hair’s a different color.<br/>
The scene’s outside, at night.<br/>
How could they possibly tell?</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
Your face?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
She is <em>short</em>.<br/>
That was not an easy angle to kiss at.<br/>
I wouldn’t have thought my face would be visible at all.</p><p>
  <strong>Hyung:</strong><br/>
And now the OST video is trending.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Why??</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
It’s a very convincing kiss scene.<br/>
I suspect some drama viewers are now your fans.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Shallow.<br/>
But works to our advantage.<br/>
Do you have SNS related just to your channel, San?</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Yes…</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Then post or Tweet or…whatever.<br/>
Mention the upcoming collab.<br/>
More people to hear your song!</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
I think they’ll be more interested in watching you,<br/>
than in listening to the lyrics.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Who cares why they click through?<br/>
They’ll see a high-quality video duet of a song <em>you</em> wrote.<br/>
They’ll be curious about you, too.<br/>
They’ll explore your channel.<br/>
We’re getting more out of this than I thought we would.<br/>
Just from a few seconds of me kissing an idol.</p><p>
  <strong>Giant:</strong><br/>
A few seconds of you kissing Jiyeong.<br/>
Passionately.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
If that’s how it looked, good.<br/>
It’s what the script called for.<br/>
I wasn’t entirely certain.<br/>
It’s easier to kiss a stranger who<br/>
knows <em>how</em> to kiss—like Youngjo-hyung—<br/>
than a stranger who has no idea.<br/>
Like Jiyeong. But if it worked, it worked.</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
It worked.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Wonderful.<br/>
Now I’m going to bed.<br/>
Long fucking day re-recording dialogue.</p><p>San</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Might want to dial down the jealousy.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
It was out there.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
He’s kissing other people.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
People, as in plural?</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Minjee kissed Yeosang at the gym.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
I told you to leave the topic of Minjee alone.<br/>
She’s special.<br/>
But not a threat special.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
How do you know?</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
I asked careful questions.<br/>
And, San, he didn’t care at all about the drama scene.<br/>
Not helping yourself win his trust, reacting like that.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
….<br/>
Dammit.</p><p>**********<br/>
<strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Yeosang?<br/>
I’m sorry.<br/>
I had no right to act that way.</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
Insinuating shit?</p><p>For someone who couldn’t act, he’d made those few edited moments look <em>so</em> real. He hadn’t seen the comments online. People wondering if he and Jiyeong were secretly dating. If not—there were commenters wishing they could have been Jiyeong. San had closed his laptop. What had he said to her, that had someone inexperienced kissing <em>like that</em>? Something drastically toned down from what he’d said to him? To Wooyoung? To how many people? Words came to him so easily, and he knew, <em>he knew</em> that almost everyone he said such things to, he followed up on.</p><p>Wooyoung—that was more a warning. Him…<em>he</em> was the one turning Yeosang down, because if he said yes, wouldn’t he just be…temporary? And then let go? Again? He didn’t know how to deal with any of it. With someone who casually did a “kiss demo” in front of who knew how many people? To try to get the actor he was dating to do a better job <em>while kissing someone else in a drama</em>. No normal rules applied. Except he had been out of line. Since they weren’t…anything. And even if they were—a group chat? He winced.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Everything.<br/>
It was a smart bargain.<br/>
Beneficial for us.<br/>
You did your part.<br/>
He’ll do his.</p><p>If their collab was filmed in his own room, viewers could think what they wanted, about the two of them singing a song about falling in love. But to have someone used to shooting dramas film them? He’d be transparent. To a stranger. A stranger who’d kissed Yeosang a lot more recently than he had. A stranger who seemed friendly enough he likely knew how brief Yeosang’s relationships usually were. He’d just look lovesick, wouldn’t he? But Yeosang had said he wanted to make it look convincing….</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong><br/>
It is.<br/>
Just…try not to…<br/>
I don’t know.<br/>
I’m too tired to think.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
You did good.<br/>
Get some rest.<br/>
I’ll let you know when the song’s ready.<br/>
**********</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
I apologized to him.<br/>
It’s just so <em>difficult</em>!<br/>
And that kiss!<br/>
You both saw it!<br/>
Damn.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
….<br/>
Unfortunately.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
A silver lining I never thought to see:<br/>
you don’t mock me anymore.<br/>
Because you <em>know</em>.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
HE TOLD YOU?</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
I overheard some of it.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Shit.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
??</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
It’s okay.<br/>
I get his rationale. Sort of.<br/>
Wasn’t like you hadn’t made <em>your</em> thoughts unclear,<br/>
previously.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
This doesn’t happen to normal people.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
You’re normal?<br/>
<em>You’re</em> the one who would’ve had <em>both</em> of us.<br/>
At different times. But still!</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
Guys…</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
That isn’t abnormal!<br/>
That was just me admitting honest attraction.<br/>
In the <em>past</em>.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
The past?</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
I would never DO anything!<br/>
And Yeosang is the one who said I shouldn’t<br/>
feel guilty about dreams, so I refuse to.<br/>
Especially since I almost never thought about it—<br/>
until last night, with its INSANE dreams,<br/>
and that’s all <em>on him</em>.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
One night. One?<br/>
That’s <em>nothing</em>.<br/>
And whatever else he said to you—<br/>
I don’t want to hear details!—<br/>
is <em>nothing</em> compared to what he’s said to me.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
I knew it!<br/>
I knew you were leaving things out.<br/>
The gym.<br/>
Something happened there.<br/>
And—the party!<br/>
THAT’S why you could barely put together<br/>
a sentence about him singing a sexy song.<br/>
And yesterday!<br/>
No! Forget I said that.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
What the hell are you two talking about?</p><p>How had he forgotten Mingi was part of the chat? At least this wasn’t in person.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
I, uh, realized San was holding stuff back.<br/>
And he wants everything, you know?<br/>
I thought the plan was stuck, but then!<br/>
Then Yeosang says how there’s a <em>middle ground</em>,<br/>
but that San didn’t want it.<br/>
YOU LEFT THAT OUT.<br/>
THAT RATHER IMPORTANT DETAIL.<br/>
That made me realize San might not understand his best chance<br/>
is to cooperate and compromise, because Yeosang?<br/>
Isn’t going to change ALL his ways, just because his<br/>
ex-boyfriend-now-soulmate has been in love<br/>
with him since who knows HOW long,<br/>
maybe since the second they met!<br/>
I had to intervene.</p><p>Now being in person seemed like a better idea. He could <em>hit</em> Wooyoung for sharing all that.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
We met when we were 9.<br/>
I didn’t know what being in love even meant.<br/>
He was just nice. And smart.<br/>
And talented.<br/>
And dammit, Wooyoung, the whole<br/>
still in love part was a <em>secret</em>.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
Well…that explains…a lot.<br/>
But you ”intervened,” Wooyoung?<br/>
The fuck?<br/>
Didn’t you learn from last time how<br/>
completely stupid that is?</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
I didn’t lie this time!<br/>
I just said San needed to figure out the song collab.<br/>
At his place. Which they needed to do!<br/>
And then I persuaded him San just…forgot to text him.<br/>
It, uh, didn’t work like I planned.<br/>
But Yeosang didn’t walk out on me!<br/>
He just made sure I’d never, ever forget that<br/>
interfering like that in his life is not smart.<br/>
Yeosang can be really….</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Terrifying?</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Yes!! In a seriously sexy way, but yes!</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
Are you saying Yeosang said things to you, of a sexual nature?</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Yes.<br/>
Engraved in my memory.<br/>
Not the worst punishment, though….</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
He really does know you well.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Oh?</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
NO. Not repeating.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
Just so I get this clear: you’re not upset, San?</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Not in this case.<br/>
In Yeosang’s mind, it made sense.<br/>
And you’re not going to interfere again,<br/>
are you, Wooyoung?<br/>
He said he kept what he said as minimal as possible.<br/>
You wouldn’t want to find out what he’d say,<br/>
if he was <em>detailed</em>.</p><p>He wasn’t <em>upset</em>, but he didn’t mind adding a little fuel to the frightening fire.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
He said that was <em>minimal</em>?<br/>
Listen to me, Mingi.<br/>
I don’t give a fuck how straight you are,<br/>
do not EVER really push Yeosang.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
I have no intention of doing so.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
I don’t think he’d ever do that to Mingi.<br/>
Doesn’t think of him that way.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
You never know!<br/>
I mean, I didn’t even know about the photo!<br/>
And I’m a photographer!<br/>
That! Photo!<br/>
The one of him with the lace over his eyes, Mingi!<br/>
Is part of a nude series!</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
Why did you tell me that?</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
San hasn’t seen it.<br/>
But now he knows there is a cropped and framed photo<br/>
of Yeosang, hanging on a wall in his apartment,<br/>
that is part of a nude series.<br/>
He could know even MORE if he’d stop being so demanding!<br/>
You’re a lucky bastard, San, but are you accepting what’s offered?<br/>
No! You’re a moron.</p><p>Though Wooyoung would know what to hit back with.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
A nude series.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Yes.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
It’s a good photo.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
It is!</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
I’m done for the night.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Are you…? ;)</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Oh my God.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
Wooyoung.<br/>
That’s immature, and rude.<br/>
Besides.<br/>
You’re the one facing an uncountable number of nights<br/>
broken by terrifyingly seductive dreams<br/>
that will never come true.</p><p>San cracked up. For Mingi to step in like that…. He tried to get hold of his breathing, but every time he looked at his phone screen, laughter took over.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
….</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Respect to the published author in the chat.</p><p>Yeosang<br/>
Tuesday afternoon</p><p>Yeosang watched the last of the children shuffle away. No matter how he felt when walking into the library, reading to them always calmed him. Part of it was familiarity—he’d read to kids in libraries growing up, and simply continued doing so in Seoul. Part of it was an audience who wanted such a simple gift—making a story come alive. Week to week, month to month, year to year, who showed up, and how many, changed. It was a normal impermanence that everyone accepted.</p><p>He helped the staff clear the area, then walked out into the sweltering heat. Ice cream sounded good. He turned to his left—there was a perfect little store a block away—then halted. Ice cream and Saturday. San not thinking, wiping his mouth, and then…everything that happened after. Listening to the cover song later that night. Seven years. He stumbled as someone hurried past him. It was so hot outside. He started walking again. Next to the store was a café. An air-conditioned café he could sit in, drink something cold, and think.</p><p>Twenty minutes later, he stared at his drink, poking the ice cubes with a straw. They’d dated and broken up in fall 2015. He’d moved to Seoul before school started in March 2016, his family and San waving him goodbye. Now here they were, past the middle of summer, 2022. Close enough to seven years. San hadn’t dated for three years after he’d left. Then he’d enlisted. Only after he and Wooyoung had been discharged in February of last year, some time after that, had he started seeing people. From what he’d said, only a handful, and he’d tried to make them work as relationships.</p><p>Meantime, Yeosang…he had no idea how many people he’d dated. So many for a night or two. Nothing serious. Sex? That was different, and a much smaller number. But dating…he’d begun looking to enjoy moments of happiness, while they lasted, much earlier than San. August 2016? Maybe? Enlisting after graduation, in 2018, to have it done. Getting out of service in 2020—he’d met Minjee that year, his career had started, he’d met more people, befriended Mingi. 2021, Wooyoung and Seonghwa returning, and he’d started part-time classes at their school. Refusing to think about San, just dreaming, sometimes. Angry with himself for those dreams.</p><p>And all that while…San had broken up with each of the people he’d dated because they weren’t <em>him</em>. He’d written duplicates of some of his songs, tailored to his range, because…he wasn’t sure, why. Though he could sense the pressure of Fate behind it all, as it was one of those songs that had been selected for the OST he’d sung, the day he’d come face to face with San for the first time in six and a half years.</p><p>His phone vibrated in a distinct pattern he’d chosen for only one person.</p><p>
  <strong>MotherOfTeachers:</strong><br/>
You are singing a duet with Choi San, for his YouTube channel,<br/>
and I had to find out through his mother.</p><p>Oh, God.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I was going to e-mail you a link when it was uploaded.<br/>
When did you and she start…talking?</p><p>The very idea made him nervous.</p><p>
  <strong>MotherOfTeachers: </strong><br/>
San continued lessons with me, after you moved to Seoul.<br/>
His mother and I are good acquaintances,<br/>
but the news about Choi Jongho!<br/>
He and San were friendly, especially after you left,<br/>
and since I taught them both, she knew I would be<br/>
delighted to hear about his soulmate.</p><p>That explained why San’s mother had called him a few days earlier. An actual friendship had existed.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Ah.</p><p>
  <strong>MotherOfTeachers:</strong><br/>
As we were chatting, she mentioned San had sold a song for an OST.<br/>
Naturally, since that is part of what you do, I inquired which drama.<br/>
I was surprised to find out it was your drama.<br/>
And that you sang it.<br/>
His song, that is.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
It isn’t <em>my</em> drama.<br/>
It’s an adaptation of the book that<br/>
Mingi and his mother wrote.<br/>
I sang the song I was given.</p><p>
  <strong>MotherOfTeachers:</strong><br/>
Very professional.<br/>
Was it then that you reconnected, and decided to collaborate?</p><p>If Fate and Destiny could be personified, and his mother invited them to lunch, would they walk out alone, or with a new, third companion?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
No. Our agents set it up.</p><p>
  <strong>MotherOfTeachers:</strong><br/>
Is San as charming as I recall?</p><p>He sighed.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
People might call some of his songs charming.<br/>
He’s never written a duet before,<br/>
so he’s adapting a solo piece.<br/>
How did you find out about the collab?</p><p>
  <strong>MotherOfTeachers:</strong><br/>
His mother called me this morning, of course.<br/>
She follows his professional SNS accounts.<br/>
Only those. None of us wish to know more than that.<br/>
About any of your lives.</p><p>Lies, lies, lies. He smiled. Consideration might keep them from searching out their personal accounts, but of course they wanted to know details about their lives. This text conversation was proof. San being charming or not had nothing to do with his musical abilities.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Oh, yes.<br/>
Seonghwa-hyung texted me that I was<br/>
a trending topic last night.<br/>
I suggested to San that he post something,<br/>
so it might show up in searches.<br/>
The higher the number of potential viewers,<br/>
the more opportunities might arise.<br/>
For both of us.</p><p>
  <strong>MotherOfTeachers:</strong><br/>
Oh, yes, the drama. I was curious about that.<br/>
Are you picking up acting?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
No. That was a slightly strange, last minute favor.<br/>
Please don’t tell anyone?<br/>
I agreed to sub in for the original actor, abruptly<br/>
fired for…reasons, in exchange for a high-quality<br/>
recording of the YouTube collab with San,<br/>
at a reduced fee rate.<br/>
Same cameraman who filmed my OST.<br/>
A friend.</p><p>
  <strong>MotherOfTeachers:</strong><br/>
A…friend?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I thought none of you wished to know about our private lives.</p><p>
  <strong>MotherOfTeachers:</strong><br/>
Well. Not what you would put online.<br/>
But if you had met someone special, I would hope to be told.<br/>
You have never brought anyone home, since…San.<br/>
That’s quite a time.</p><p>Seven years. Yet still too early to tell his mother he’d never bring anyone else home. He could never explain to them his philosophy.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I’m far from asocial, Mother.<br/>
I date, but no one special.<br/>
I’m rather focused on my career.<br/>
It’s what you helped me train for.<br/>
It will take time to build it up,<br/>
to be more financially independent.</p><p>
  <strong>MotherOfTeachers:</strong><br/>
That could take years, in your chosen field.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I am aware.<br/>
I am doing my best, not to be a burden on you.</p><p>
  <strong>MotherOfTeachers:</strong><br/>
That is not what I meant.<br/>
The idea of you avoiding looking for someone<br/>
you can rely on, trust, and love, simply<br/>
because of financial factors,<br/>
is severely unpleasant.<br/>
If you were to find someone you wanted to be with,<br/>
permanently, know I would not stop your father<br/>
from buying you and that person an apartment<br/>
outright, in your name.</p><p>He could never, ever tell her.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
That is an overwhelming offer, Mother.<br/>
I thank you.</p><p>
  <strong>MotherOfTeachers:</strong><br/>
I simply wanted you to know.<br/>
I am certain you have business to attend to.<br/>
Do not forget to e-mail me the link to the duet!</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I won’t.</p><p>
  <strong>MotherOfTeachers:</strong><br/>
Oh! I almost forgot.<br/>
San’s mother, when she called me this morning,<br/>
about the duet, she texted me a picture<br/>
of a picture. Memories, I suppose.<br/>
The two you always sang rather well together.<br/>
I promised to pass it along.<br/>
I look forward to your performance, as always.<br/>
(photo1.jpg)</p><p>Yeosang tapped the picture to enlarge it. A picture of a picture. That was San’s desk, in his room back home. The picture was a framed photo of the two of them. He had no idea when, exactly, it’d been taken, but judging by the ridiculously shy smiles on their faces, it had to have been when they were dating.</p><p>“How fucking naïve we were,” he murmured.</p><p>He’d never deleted the photos they’d taken of each other, with their phones. Hadn’t had to. His parents had given him a brand-new cell before he left for Seoul. Any photos he had were on an old phone in a box, somewhere in his room back home. San had gone to the trouble of printing this photo, and framing it. Kept it on his desk the two years of high school he’d finished in their town before moving out, to attend university, and it hadn’t been packed away. San being San, he’d have visited home in the years since. And it hadn’t been packed away.</p><p>It made Yeosang feel…guilty? Was that the word? Was this what San wanted? A return to being that happy? It wasn’t possible. They weren’t the same people. There would always be <em>something</em> between them, but San wanted so much more. And he didn’t dare yield that much of himself. Not again. He locked the screen and looked at his drink. The ice cubes were too small to be caught with a straw—they swirled in front and behind, but he couldn’t catch a single one.</p><p>What was he doing, with San? Hoping he’d compromise? It wasn’t rational. If you believe in everything, and hope for everything, like he stupidly had, long ago, you won’t give it up unless you’re forced to. If he persuaded San, somehow, that desire was enough—and how much he wanted to know what it was like, to be with someone he cared for—it wouldn’t last. Nothing did. Which meant San would be hurt. <em>He</em> was used to pain. San wasn’t.</p><p>And hadn’t he already been accidentally cruel? Disregarding his own warnings, giving in to temptation Saturday night. Everything he knew had told him San had wanted to say yes, but then he’d stopped them both. Saying he wouldn’t leave, wouldn’t give up, would always stay—stinging reminders of the impossible distance between them. He should have stopped then. But the cover song, and the text message he sent with it…he must have lost the ability to think logically, given how honest he’d been the following day. At least he’d made himself completely professional when selecting a song. He should have paid more attention to the topic. He should have <em>gotten it</em>, that it would make San miserable, to sing a song about falling in love, with <em>him</em>. But San had been the one to choose it, in the end.</p><p>His head dropped and he stared at the table. San had chosen the song because that’s what he wanted. Everything. Soulmates, desire, love, everything. He’d hoped. And what was Yeosang doing? Letting him hope, pointlessly. It had to end. He had to step back, and far away, make it clear he couldn’t give him what he wanted. He’d said it. A small comfort. He’d said it from the beginning, that San wanted more than Yeosang was willing to give. He should never have let himself be swayed forward. He wasn’t used to feeling stranded between two shores. He had to get everything back in order.</p><p>He dashed a hand against his eyes. He was <em>used</em> to pain. San wasn’t. Wooyoung and Seonghwa weren’t. He didn’t want to lose them. But the only way to re-balance was to make sure everyone was on the same page. The same level. Friends. Just friends. Only friends. For as long as it lasted. There could not be a middle ground. He turned his phone back on and stared at the photo. Then deleted it.</p><p>[New Group Chat]</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
San was right.<br/>
My mother texted me about Jongho.<br/>
The student she taught.<br/>
The co-lead in the <em>perfect</em> soulmate story<br/>
San told Saturday night.<br/>
Thankfully, she was more interested in my personal<br/>
life than any opinions I had on the topic.<br/>
But now I feel restless.</p><p>He had no idea what the others were up to. It was late afternoon. Wooyoung was off work. San might have headphones on, ignoring his phone, working on the song. Seonghwa…he might answer. Yunho, he didn’t know his schedule. Mingi might reply.</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
Restless?<br/>
Not stressed?</p><p>Wooyoung would want to know. Stressed meant Minjee.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Restless.<br/>
I think…yeah, it’s been a while.<br/>
I think I’ll go to a club.</p><p>He stared at the screen. Who would say what to that?</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
A club?<br/>
You like going…clubbing?</p><p>Neutral so far.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Sometimes.<br/>
Usually I’d invite all of you to tag along,<br/>
since I prefer going with friends,<br/>
but….</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
But what?</p><p>Less pain now than if he kept whatever had been going on…going on.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Haven’t been on a real date in a while.<br/>
Might take a couple clubs,<br/>
maybe a few bars,<br/>
before I find someone<br/>
I click with.</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
Clubs aren’t for dating.<br/>
They’re for…<br/>
Um.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Hooking up?<br/>
You know that’s never been my style.<br/>
But finding someone at a club,<br/>
or a bar, whom I like enough,<br/>
to go on a date with?<br/>
That, yeah.<br/>
You’ve been with me enough times,<br/>
you’ve seen that happen.</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
I could go with you again!<br/>
I never got in the way before.<br/>
A club could be good.</p><p>He’d expected this. From Wooyoung or San. Maybe San was too shocked to respond.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Mm.<br/>
Somehow I think you might<br/>
be tempted to interfere,<br/>
this time.<br/>
Don’t want that, Wooyoung.</p><p>A reminder that should make him pause, though it felt mean.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
You’re serious?<br/>
Looking for someone new to date?</p><p>How to avoid lying? He wasn’t interested, presently, but he had to draw a line between the people in the group chat as friends, and everyone else.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Well…I don’t date friends.<br/>
Everyone here is a friend.<br/>
And like I said, I haven’t been on a real date in quite a while.</p><p>Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. That had to hurt him.</p><p>**********<br/>
<strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Do you offer friends handjobs?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
That was a mistake.<br/>
I’m sorry.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
What about describing sex dreams to friends?<br/>
You told Wooyoung about those.<br/>
Maybe you’ll say I’m the same, but you confessed<br/>
all those <em>past</em> dreams to Wooyoung, to warn him<br/>
to stop interfering. Weird, but I get it.<br/>
How do you explain me?<br/>
You told me current dreams.<br/>
You offered to give me as many details as I wanted.<br/>
That’s <em>different</em>.</p><p>He’d never thought it’d be easy, but he’d expected San to be too stunned to respond. He hadn’t expected to be attacked and questioned. No dancing around, then.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I’ve never had a friend send me a song cover like that.<br/>
With lyrics <em>like that</em>.<br/>
An extremely attractive, very desirable friend.<br/>
When I’ve previously found myself in similar<br/>
situations, I had to decide:<br/>
keep as a friend, or go for more?<br/>
I tried to go for more with you.<br/>
You made your rejection clear.<br/>
But you don’t want to leave.<br/>
I don’t mind if you stay—but it only works<br/>
if we’re friends. Just friends.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
Don’t want to hear me beg, then?</p><p>His mouth twisted.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Being provocative only works when there’s follow through.<br/>
When I said <em>that</em> to you, it was for a<br/>
hypothetical you I’d just met.<br/>
Not the ex-boyfriend/soulmate who wants more than I can give.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
The sex/dream talk was Sunday.<br/>
I pushed you away Saturday.<br/>
Please explain <em>that</em>.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
<em>You</em> brought up dating me, on Sunday,<br/>
but you weren’t very clear.<br/>
I was trying to figure out if you’d changed your mind.</p><p>That was…mostly the truth. Better than saying he’d only just today realized how much a compromise would wind up hurting San, and that the only way out of the situation was a full retreat.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
After thinking about it,<br/>
it seemed you hadn’t.<br/>
Am I wrong?<br/>
Do you want that middle ground?</p><p>Don’t say yes, Sani. Don’t say it. Don’t lie, just because you’re hoping <em>you</em> can change <em>my</em> mind.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
If I understand this “middle ground” correctly,<br/>
it’s…temporary.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
True.<br/>
But there are a few people I’ve slept with,<br/>
whom I talk to, from time to time.<br/>
An even small number who are…on and off.<br/>
Definitely not permanent, though.</p><p>
  <strong>NeverYou:</strong><br/>
I…will always want to stay with you.<br/>
I would never want to leave you.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
I didn’t want to lose Wooyoung.<br/>
That’s why I decided, years ago,<br/>
never to try that shift.<br/>
Friendships last longer.<br/>
I don’t want to lose you, either.</p><p>San deserved that much absolute truth.<br/>
**********</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Did I miss anything?<br/>
Had to duck out for a rather urgent conversation.</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
I bet.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
You’d probably lose.<br/>
It’s fine.</p><p>
  <strong>MoreThanYouKnow:</strong><br/>
It…is?</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong><br/>
You didn’t miss much.<br/>
Been a while since you’ve gone out.<br/>
Have fun.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong><br/>
Thanks!<br/>
Wooyoung, if I see any beauties,<br/>
I’ll send you photos for your Insta.</p><p>San</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Beauties for your Insta, Wooyoung?<br/>
What the hell does that mean?</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
It’s a game we used to play.<br/>
Taking pictures of aesthetically pleasing drinks.<br/>
Some cocktails are works of art.<br/>
He didn’t mean people.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
And you, you just <em>encouraged </em>him, Mingi.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
I told you before.<br/>
Yeosang has to have someone he can trust.<br/>
He seems to have drastically changed his attitude<br/>
towards you, and I don’t know why.<br/>
Which means he has reasons he believes are valid.<br/>
I refuse to call him out in a <em>group chat</em>,<br/>
and even if I disagree with him,<br/>
that doesn’t mean my opinion<br/>
is necessarily the best for him.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
It doesn’t make sense!<br/>
I apologized for being a jealous idiot,<br/>
he was irritated, but this is…<br/>
not quite a 180, but damn close.<br/>
The only <em>new</em> thing is he talked to his mother!<br/>
About Jongho and his soulmate.<br/>
And his personal life.<br/>
Did she compare the two?<br/>
Jongho being younger, already engaged, and<br/>
Yeosang…well. Not being the average son.<br/>
But it’s been like that for years, hasn’t it?<br/>
So what was different?<br/>
Something in <em>that</em> conversation changed him.<br/>
And I have no fucking clue what.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong><br/>
Sigh.<br/>
This is where I remind you of your words to me.<br/>
If you feel like you’re losing him,<br/>
<em>fight to keep him</em>.</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
Oh!<br/>
That’s a very good point!<br/>
Go DO something, San.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Like what?<br/>
Track him down through this city’s<br/>
clubs and bars??</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
No. Catch him at his apartment before he heads out.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
I don’t know where he lives!</p><p>
  <strong>LongLostTwin:</strong><br/>
If I step in again, I am done for.<br/>
But…Seonghwa-hyung has your phone number.<br/>
And he’s texting you his address right now.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong><br/>
Thank him for me!</p><p>an hour and a half later</p><p>Why, when you needed to be somewhere, were there always delays? He should have taken the subway, but the bus station was closer to his apartment. He’d never taken this route before, of course, and hadn’t thought about the time of day, and the traffic congestion of people headed home after work. Cars driving in the <em>other</em> direction had been moving quickly. And of course, the bus station closest to Yeosang’s apartment was inconveniently located. Then he had to find the damn building, wait for an elevator that had seemed frozen on the third floor for ten minutes, and finally, locate the correct door. In front of which he was hesitating. He had no idea what had triggered the about-face. He wasn’t sure how to find out. He didn’t know if he could stop him going out. But he had to try. Being pushed to the side as a permanent friend by someone you’d loved for seven years was a horrible thought. Knowing he’d date other people. Knowing he’d sleep with some of those people. Knowing none of those relationships would last. Watching it happen for years. It made him feel ill.</p><p>He knocked on the door and waited. After a minute, he knocked again.  He heard a muffled noise, then the door swung open, and he found himself staring at a tousle haired, exasperated Yeosang.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I…can I come in?”</p><p>Yeosang eyed him with suspicion, then let him pass by. The wall to the right had many framed pictures—among them, the photo with lace over his eyes. The photo Wooyoung had mentioned. Which was part of a nude series. He gulped, and forced his attention back to the other as the door clunked shut.</p><p>“It’s just a photograph. What are you doing here, San?”</p><p>“You’re not dressed for clubbing.”</p><p>“Who goes out this early? I was <em>trying</em> to take a nap. Why are you here? No, wait, first. <em>Who</em> gave you my address?”</p><p>“Seonghwa-hyung,” he said quickly.</p><p>“Hm.” Yeosang crossed the main room and flopped down on his sofa. Bigger than the one at his place. San hastily kicked off his shoes, followed, and tentatively sat at the opposite end, facing him.</p><p>“I was worried.”</p><p>“About me going out? I’ll be perfectly safe. I know which clubs to avoid. I never drink much when I’m alone. And I never accept drinks from strangers.” Yeosang covered a small yawn with his hand, then stretched. “Not my first time.”</p><p>“Not about that. Whatever happened today, that’s made you so different from Sunday.”</p><p>Yeosang looked around the room. “I told you in texts earlier,” he said stiffly. “You said no, but you also said you weren’t weirded out by any of it, so that means we can be friends. Can we not?”</p><p>Something was very wrong. His body posture, his voice, neither relaxed at all. And Yeosang, avoiding eye contact?</p><p>“It’s difficult for me to be friends with people who lie.”</p><p>“I’m not lying,” he scoffed, turning his body sideways.</p><p>“Look at me and tell me that." Had Yeosang learned to lie, looking right at people?</p><p>“If you don’t believe me, then don’t be my friend,” came the flat response.</p><p>“How will you explain that to the others?” he demanded.</p><p>“You making a choice. Me respecting that choice. Everyone knows, by now, that’s how I work.”</p><p>“You’re inconsistent these days, though. By everything you told Mingi, and he told Seonghwa-hyung and Wooyoung, by everything you told me, you’ve never before allowed people so quickly back into your life. You rejected me entirely within minutes of meeting in the studio, yet spent half an hour chatting with me on the phone the next night.”</p><p>“I told you—I realized it wasn’t your fault, and you don’t—you’re persistent. It made more sense to let things be, than fight about it. I don’t do that.”</p><p>“Really? Because when Wooyoung interfered a second time, you didn’t walk out. You wrecked him, with words, as a mild punishment and a permanent reminder, never to do it again. That’s fighting back.”</p><p>Yeosang whipped his head around and opened his mouth to argue, but San pressed on.</p><p>“When Yunho purposefully made sure the only place left for you to sit was next to me, on Saturday, you didn’t walk out. You said, Sunday, that what almost happened the night before was because you wanted to <em>watch me</em>. It almost did happen. I almost said yes, because if your tempting and teasing and hinting was exquisite torture, what would it be like to give in to you? Like fire in my veins, instead of blood? You are <em>addictive</em>, Yeosang-ah. But something about me is, too, huh? If you’d <em>just met me</em>, you said at the gym, it would have sped past simple dating fast. Hours spent on me? Hours, to make me so mindless, I would say anything, <em>anything</em>—<em>beg</em> you, like you said, just to get on with it, to watch me lose all my words, to watch me writhe in silence. You were dreaming something like that, Saturday night. Me, real me, the ex, the soulmate, the one not wanting to say no, just wanting more. You wouldn’t have told me to think about the effect the song had on you, if the dream wasn’t about <em>real me</em>.”</p><p>The way Yeosang was looking at him now. Fight, he told himself, fight.</p><p>“I’ll drop all or nothing if you drop the way things have always been for you, with other people. Including your ‘middle ground.’ <em>Yes</em>, I want that dream you had, whatever was in it, to be real. But moving at your normal speed? No. Less than a month ago, we saw each other face to face for the first time in over six years. Choice is important to you. Choose to let us know each other again. Choose, please choose, to give this a chance to be different. I can’t change the past, but if I had <em>known</em> what hung in the balance, I would have done everything I could to keep you. No one before you had ever mattered so much. No one before you had I ever <em>loved</em>. No one since you have I loved. If for seven years I haven’t been able to get over you, please choose to believe there’s a chance I will <em>never</em> get over you. The line in the song—‘Never ever gonna mislead you’—I won’t. I won’t give up. I won’t leave you.”</p><p>Slowly, like a cat, Yeosang crawled across the cushions towards him. He held his breath.</p><p>“Sani, is this going to be a thing? Me having to remind you to breathe?”</p><p>“I don’t know. Maybe.”</p><p>“I backed off…because it occurred to me…it wasn’t fair to force you to compromise. To what I wanted. Because all I know? Is temporary. And that would hurt you. I can’t do that to you.”</p><p>“You thought it wouldn’t hurt me,” his voice cracked, “to see you choose other people, again and again, and not me?”</p><p>Yeosang sat back on his heels, staring at him. Looking…lost?</p><p>“I thought…the sooner I made you believe I only wanted friendship, the easier it’d be on you.”</p><p>“No. When Mingi came to interview me, he asked what I felt, to find out it was you. Before anything was, um, said, I felt elation, Yeosang. I thought the world had given me a second chance. And I am persistent. I didn’t want to let that go. I don’t just want to be your friend.”</p><p>“So…what? How? If I choose to try something different, with you, what does that mean? I’m not just gonna hold your hand.”</p><p>San choked off a laugh. “That wouldn’t be enough.”</p><p>“But sex is too much?”</p><p>“Um…right now…yes. And nothing…too similar.” He’d never be able to be as straightforward as Yeosang. “It’s too close to what you’re used to.”</p><p>Yeosang sighed. “Hand jobs? Blow jobs?”</p><p>“Not…for…now. Unfortunately.” How could he just <em>say it</em>?</p><p>“<em>For now</em>, then, I can’t do anything to get you off?”</p><p>“What?” His voice sounded strangled. Dammit.</p><p>“Do you like being teased that much?”</p><p>“No!”</p><p>“Sure about that? Because if I can’t touch anything <em>relevant</em>, but I can say what I want, can kiss you, can touch most other areas…that’s teasing. I can handle it, but you? You’ll need a lot of tissues.” He grinned at him.</p><p>He could feel the heat rushing up his face and he <em>loathed</em> it. Did nothing embarrass Yeosang?</p><p>“What makes you think I don't, already?” he retorted.</p><p>“As long as you know what you’re getting into.” He started to lean in.</p><p>San put out a hand.</p><p>Yeosang stopped. “What?”</p><p>“It can’t only be physical. Choosing something different, that means feelings. Emotions.” He licked his lips. “Trust.”</p><p>“I know,” he said quietly. “You matter a lot. I told you that. But believing nothing lasts, really believing it, means strict limits. Rules I set and have followed for years. Undoing them, that’s scary.” Yeosang looked down at his hands, flexing and clenching.</p><p>“You don’t have to jump every hurdle at once. Just let how you feel matter. With me. Maybe let that guide you?” It was his best guess.</p><p>“Okay. Different.” He looked back up, blinking rapidly.</p><p>“Are you…crying?” San’s voice wavered on the last word.</p><p>“Trying not to.”</p><p>“You…you can, you know.” Cautiously, he reached forwards, one hand stroking Yeosang’s shoulder.</p><p>“Noted.” He cleared his throat. “I don’t want to, though. Right now.”</p><p>“Okay. What do you want to do?”</p><p>“Try something different.”</p><p>With easy grace, he shrugged San’s hand off his shoulder, caught it, and lifted it to his mouth. He tilted his head to keep eye contact, and pressed a kiss into his palm. Oh. Then another kiss on his wrist. This was fine, nothing too much. Then another kiss, and another, inch by inch, his body leaning forward, the higher up his arm he went. He stopped when he reached fabric, seeming to debate something, then nodded, his hands immediately and insistently pulling at the hem of his shirt. Dumbfounded, San looked at him.</p><p>He huffed out an annoyed breath. “It’s tucked in too well.”</p><p>“It’s…the belt. Difficult to find pants that fit. Have to belt them tightly.”</p><p>“Oh.” Within seconds, his belt had been tossed to the floor, but then Yeosang paused and settled back on his heels. “You take it off.”</p><p>There was technically nothing different from this moment, and any other encounter he’d had in the past. Except Yeosang made him wary. What was his “different”? But it was a normal request. “Sure.” He grabbed the hem, and tugged the shirt up and over his head, then dropped it next to the belt.</p><p>“Better,” Yeosang sighed, and leaned forward again, resuming the slow kisses, up his arm, across his collar bone, up his neck, his hands tracing idle patterns on the now-exposed skin.</p><p>“Yeosang-ah,” he breathed out.</p><p>“Hm?” He’d dropped his head and seemed intent on creating a necklace of feathery kisses.</p><p>“Being teased isn’t my favorite thing.”</p><p>“This isn’t teasing.” He kissed his way up the other side of his throat. “This is admiration and appreciation. It’s different.”</p><p>He could <em>feel</em> the smile against his skin. Oh, hell, no.</p><p>“Stop it.”</p><p>Immediately, Yeosang dropped his hands, and pulled back, looking at him expectantly.</p><p>‘You’re such a—.” The photoshoot. That one pose. San straightened up, and ran his hands down the sides of the other’s face, down and then back up his neck, one thumb pressed under his chin to tilt his jaw up.</p><p>“Sani.” He could barely hear him. “Please.”</p><p>Why would he ever say no?</p><p>He’d been wrong. It only took kissing Yeosang for it to feel like fire ran through every part of his body. Fire, instead of blood. He wound his hands in the long hair and pulled him forward, felt nails drag up his own back, a lazy parallel to the deliberately slow movements of the kiss. It felt like they were breathing each other’s air. It wasn’t enough. He tried to increase the speed and pressure, and got a sharp bite on his lip. He pulled his head back in surprise.</p><p>“No. You said different.”</p><p>San tilted his head back, with a frustrated sigh. “What’s normal, then?”</p><p>“Mm. Thank you.” Yeosang pressed a kiss to the base of his neck, and slowly licked up to his jaw. San didn’t move. “Normal depends on how <em>much</em> I want to fuck the person. Or be fucked. Either.” He shifted position, one hand flat on each of San’s thighs.</p><p>“Yeosa—Yeosang,” he warned, his breathing uneven.</p><p>“Are my hands going anywhere central? No. I’m within the rules.”</p><p>He leaned forward—putting more weight on his hands—and slowly stroked his thumbs back and forth. With a low groan of defeat, San dropped his head back entirely.</p><p>“I just realized,” Yeosang said slowly.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You didn’t come here to argue, then change your mind. You came here to fight for me, against...me.”</p><p>And the prize goes to…he thought hazily.</p><p>“I really…can’t think well…when you’re doing…what you’re doing…but yeah. Basically.”</p><p>“Should I stop?”</p><p>Experimentally, he tried to shift his hips up. The stroking sensation increased in pressure. Exquisite torture. Good phrase.</p><p>“No. Feels very…very good.”</p><p>He heard a low laugh.</p><p>“Beautiful Sani.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'd say progress has been made........</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Sanity and Predictability. Or Not.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Text ID Contacts:</p><p>For San (ChoiS): Yeosang (Stubborn) and Mingi (PublishedAuthor)</p><p>For Yeosang (KangYS): San (MaybeYou)  [note: this is a change!]</p><p>For Yunho (JeongYH): Wooyoung (Wooyoung)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>San<br/>
Wednesday morning</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong>
<br/>
Sudden thought.<br/>
Can we watch each other?</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong>
<br/>
What?</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong>
<br/>
Watch each other.<br/>
I’d keep my hands to myself. Literally.<br/>
You take care of you.<br/>
I take care of me.<br/>
No rules broken.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong>
<br/>
Umm.<br/>
That’s….</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong>
<br/>
I feel a bit bad, you leaving my apartment last night, as you did.<br/>
Though I did offer the use of the washroom, shower, whatever.</p><p>“Why are you so flushed?” Wooyoung peered at him curiously.</p><p>Because my soulmate is absolutely impossible.</p><p>“Uh, remember that text I sent you and Mingi last night? That Yeosang and I agreed to—well, we didn’t give it a name, but…something?”</p><p>“Yeah! It’s why I’m here right now!”</p><p>San’s eyes flickered back to the phone screen.</p><p>“You might want to…stop dropping by unannounced.”</p><p>“Oh? Oh! That’s, um, good. For you.”</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong>
<br/>
Wooyoung’s over right now.<br/>
Can we talk about this later?</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong>
<br/>
Sure. Though I forgot to mention something.<br/>
You should leave a change of clothes at my place.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong>
<br/>
I am not so inexperienced I can’t tell you when to stop.</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong>
<br/>
I simply meant in case you ever wanted to sleep over.<br/>
But thank you for the fascinating knowledge that you<br/>
don’t <em>need</em> direct physical contact if you’re that close.<br/>
Have fun talking with Wooyoung!</p><p>San locked his phone and threw it on his bed.</p><p>At least he’d finished rearranging the song. Which meant Yeosang would be over to practice as soon as he told him.</p><p>“I,” he told Wooyoung, “am a lost cause. Sanity? No clue what that is anymore.”</p><p>“What did you expect? Yeosang’s very….”</p><p>“Very.”</p><p>“So you compromised?”</p><p>“Um. We both did. I suppose we’re dating? But not the way most people date.”</p><p>“Does he know about the love thing?”</p><p>Good question.</p><p>“I might have said some things he could’ve figured it out from, but everything got very…distracting not long after.” <em>Not</em> the thing to think about right now. “I think it’s still secret. Which is good because that’s going to be the most difficult part of everything.” Emotions and trust. He frowned. “Wooyoung, what was he like when you first met him?”</p><p>“In 2016? We all thought he was shy, until he sang a solo piece at the spring festival. When he sings, it’s sort of like you get caught? Like magic. And, you know, spring is for fun songs, but the one he picked? He had <em>teachers</em> crying. Lost love? No. Betrayed love. I remember thinking it was weird, because how did he make it seem so real, when he was my age. Now, um…I know how he managed it.” He grimaced apologetically at San.</p><p>“Guess I helped him make a good impression.”</p><p>“Umm. Kinda. Hyung adored the song, of course. He and I had known each other for years, so when he approached Yeosang at lunch one day, I tagged along. It was actually really funny. Hyung asking him what he thought of the school, and, you know, Yeosang and the truth.” He snorted. “<em>I</em> was cracking up. Seonghwa-hyung, I knew he agreed with most of it—it was all on target—but he was <em>not</em> expecting those comments from someone who’d sung a song like that. And he didn’t <em>act</em> like someone who felt that way. He just seemed a damn fine performer. Which I respected. And told him so. I liked him. You haven’t seen it so much these last few weeks, but as long as I’ve known him—well, I guess I was surprised someone from a small town would be so accepting. He didn’t judge people—actions, yeah, but not people. Partly why he got so popular. Being good-looking didn’t hurt. Now…now I know why he was so accepting. It’s kinda weird, though, isn’t it? Him disliking fate so much, but thinking everything is destined not to last.”</p><p>San hadn’t thought of it that way, but there was some truth there. Ironic.</p><p>“He never liked being harsh on people. And he was pretty accepting, before he left home. I guess it increased, when he decided there was no point in fighting for what he wanted.” But <em>that</em> had been changing since he and Wooyoung stopped playing by Yeosang’s rules.</p><p>“Guess so. But it’s been six years and a little extra, since then. I never knew <em>why</em> he was only interested in short-term relationships, though it’s a stretch to use that word. Most were like weekend dates. Some lasted longer. I don’t know what went on when we were in service, probably the same. Nothing changed his attitude towards other people—not until Fate hauled you back into his life. That was…memorable.”</p><p>Memorable. One way to describe Wooyoung skipping classes, and some meals, too miserable thinking he’d lost Yeosang forever to want to leave his apartment. Seonghwa had seemed better, but maybe that was because San didn’t know him that well. Things had only begun to improve after the photo shoot, when they started their plan. A plan which had, somewhat astonishingly, worked. Their friendship wasn’t the same, but with Yeosang giving <em>him</em> a second chance, to try something different, maybe it’d become stronger. He hoped.</p><p>“You know,” Wooyoung said, smirking at him, “you really should check your phone. That’s a lot of texts you missed, zoning out.”</p><p>He scrambled up from the floor and reached for his phone. Only nine. Including two photos. They had rules in place. The photos wouldn’t be anything inappropriate. Probably.</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong>
<br/>
Payment for the OST finally deposited in my account<br/>
earlier this morning.<br/>
Was waiting for that before I went shopping.<br/>
Need a new shirt, for voiceover auditions.<br/>
And, well, any work, really.<br/>
Letting you pick.<br/>
(number1.jpg)<br/>
(number2.jpg)<br/>
About the same price.<br/>
Which do you like better?</p><p>Perfectly appropriate photos. How was he supposed to choose? He looked gorgeous in either. Purple. Blue. With the silver hair. Unless.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong>
<br/>
Is one easier to unbutton than the other?</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong>
<br/>
The purple.<br/>
Blue has smaller buttons.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong>
<br/>
Then the purple.</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong>
<br/>
I do like how your mind works.<br/>
Thank you.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong>
<br/>
Glad to be of help.</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong>
<br/>
Really?</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong>
<br/>
Within our current rules.</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong>
<br/>
And as those rules evolve…over time…<br/>
will you still be glad to help?</p><p>“While it <em>is</em> really funny watching your face, whenever Yeosang texts you, I think I’m gonna go now. Before it gets worse.”</p><p>San jerked his head up. “It’s not like <em>that</em>. Not…not right now.”</p><p>“Tempted as I am to ask, I won’t. I already have enough to deal with, at night, thanks to him. Do <em>not</em> laugh.”</p><p>“It’s your own fault. Be glad it doesn’t bother me.”</p><p>“Valid. We’re all strange. Still leaving.” Shaking his head, Wooyoung pushed off the floor, and left the bedroom. Distantly, he heard the outer door close.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong>
<br/>
Glad would be an understatement.<br/>
Song’s finished, by the way.<br/>
Come over whenever you want.<br/>
Need to make sure it suits your voice.<br/>
Then we start practicing.</p><p>
  <strong>Stubborn:</strong>
<br/>
Hm.<br/>
Today’s Wednesday.<br/>
I’ll text Youngjo-hyung, see if he’s available Friday, to film.<br/>
I’ll be at your place soon.</p><p>Yunho<br/>
Wednesday afternoon</p><p>
  <strong>JeongYH:</strong>
<br/>
Yeosang’s been here for <em>hours</em>.</p><p>
  <strong>Wooyoung:</strong>
<br/>
They’re practicing the duet.<br/>
For the collab thing.</p><p>
  <strong>JeongYH:</strong>
<br/>
The keyboard’s stopped playing several times…</p><p>
  <strong>Wooyoung:</strong>
<br/>
Are you <em>listening in</em>?<br/>
Bad idea.<br/>
Bad, bad idea.<br/>
And creepy.</p><p>
  <strong>JeongYH:</strong>
<br/>
No! Not really. I’m watching TV.<br/>
Just when San’s working on a song,<br/>
which I know he—they—are, it’s rare<br/>
not hearing the keyboard or singing.<br/>
When both stop and don’t start again<br/>
any time soon?<br/>
Guess San <em>isn’t</em> just a friend, like the chat<br/>
last night said.<br/>
I <em>knew it.</em></p><p>Yunho heard a door open, and flipped the phone facedown on the couch. Yeosang quietly passed through the living area, waving briefly at him as he made his way to the kitchenette. Singing was thirsty work. He grinned, watching Yeosang hunt down a glass and fill it with water. While he was drinking, he seized his chance.</p><p>“Isn’t that <em>San’s</em> shirt you’re wearing?” he asked casually. His knee bounced in anticipation of a startled response.</p><p>Nothing. Yeosang finished and set the glass in the sink, then turned to him.</p><p>“It is,” he replied calmly. “Not sure where mine got to. Probably in his room, but…if you find it somewhere else, let me know?” He smiled sweetly.</p><p>Somewhere else? Where else? He’d been home all day. In his own room for most of it, playing games on his laptop—had they…right where he was <em>sitting</em>? He’d joked about it, kinda, with San, the night of the party, but they hadn’t? Shit. Had they? Today? When he could have walked in on them at any time? And seen—what would he have seen?</p><p>“Yeosang!” San called out over the music. “Need your opinion!”</p><p>“Be right there! We haven’t been too loud, have we, Yunho?” Yeosang walked away from the sink and towards him, stopping a few feet away.</p><p>“No. Used to San and all the music stuff.”</p><p>“Hm. He is lovely to listen to.”</p><p>“Yeah? I mean, yeah. Your singing is really nice, too.”</p><p>“Singing? Right. San when he’s singing…that’s lovely, too.”</p><p>He did <em>not</em> need that information. Whatever it related to.</p><p>“Uh, wasn’t he just calling for you?”</p><p>“Mm-hm. Enjoy your show.”</p><p>Yeosang turned around and made his way back to San’s room, closing the door behind him. Yunho snatched up his phone.</p><p>
  <strong>Wooyoung:</strong>
<br/>
Anything you might think you know,<br/>
if it involves Yeosang?<br/>
You’ll only partly be right.</p><p>
  <strong>JeongYH:</strong>
<br/>
So, uh, he came out to get some water.<br/>
Wearing one of San’s shirts.</p><p>
  <strong>Wooyoung:</strong>
<br/>
I don’t need to hear this.</p><p>
  <strong>JeongYH:</strong>
<br/>
I’m trying to forget it.</p><p>
  <strong>Wooyoung:</strong>
<br/>
Wait, you?<br/>
Why?</p><p>
  <strong>JeongYH:</strong>
<br/>
Well, like, he was drinking some water,<br/>
and I thought if I said hey, that’s San’s shirt,<br/>
he’d sputter or spit the water out.<br/>
It’d be funny. Cause, like, embarrassing?<br/>
That didn’t happen.</p><p>
  <strong>Wooyoung:</strong>
<br/>
No. It wouldn’t.<br/>
You poor fool.</p><p>
  <strong>JeongYH:</strong>
<br/>
I barely know him!<br/>
But he just…</p><p>
  <strong>Wooyoung:</strong>
<br/>
You tried to tease <em>Yeosang</em>.<br/>
About him and San…doing whatever…<br/>
would involve him needing a new shirt.<br/>
If you’d said nothing, he’d have said nothing.<br/>
But you did! Open season.<br/>
Welcome to the club!</p><p>
  <strong>JeongYH:</strong>
<br/>
Which club?</p><p>
  <strong>Wooyoung:</strong>
<br/>
The club of people who know the consequences<br/>
of teasing, testing, or annoying Yeosang.</p><p>
  <strong>JeongYH:</strong>
<br/>
And he’s San’s soulmate.<br/>
Little scary.</p><p>
  <strong>Wooyoung:</strong>
<br/>
You have no idea.<br/>
Outside of those things, though?<br/>
He can be really sweet.<br/>
But he probably knows <em>you</em> were the one<br/>
who made things…cozy?<br/>
Last Saturday night.<br/>
And he doesn’t like being pushed.<br/>
Ever.<br/>
Still, bet he wouldn’t have said anything,<br/>
except you? Tried to embarrass him.<br/>
For one, you can’t.<br/>
No one can.<br/>
Two?<br/>
See above, open season.</p><p>
  <strong>JeongYH:</strong>
<br/>
Does he always hit back with sorta sexual implications?</p><p>
  <strong>Wooyoung:</strong>
<br/>
Yunho. You literally tried to imply the same.<br/>
You go anywhere <em>near</em> that topic,<br/>
you’ll wish you hadn’t.<br/>
Anything unrelated? Nah.<br/>
I’ve annoyed him on and off for years.<br/>
His response…well.<br/>
Sometimes it’s serious.<br/>
But usually! Just general judgment.</p><p>Oh, yeah. The messy first couple weeks after San met Yeosang again.</p><p>
  <strong>JeongYH:</strong>
<br/>
I’ll try to watch myself.<br/>
I am glad, though.<br/>
That they’re—are they dating?</p><p>
  <strong>Wooyoung:</strong>
<br/>
I guess?<br/>
Anything involving Yeosang is…different.<br/>
For lots of reasons.</p><p>
  <strong>JeongYH:</strong>
<br/>
And the soulmate thing?</p><p>
  <strong>Wooyoung:</strong>
<br/>
He still hates it.</p><p>
  <strong>JeongYH:</strong>
<br/>
So weird.<br/>
I’m going back to my show.<br/>
What’s left of it.</p><p>
  <strong>Wooyoung:</strong>
<br/>
Cool.<br/>
Please never again update me on whatever<br/>
they may or may not be doing, okay?</p><p>
  <strong>JeongYH:</strong>
<br/>
I didn’t <em>mean</em> to do that!<br/>
Not exactly.<br/>
Just…all the planning and everything?<br/>
And their whole history?<br/>
And then the group chat last night!<br/>
But then he’s here today?</p><p>
  <strong>Wooyoung:</strong>
<br/>
It’s Yeosang.<br/>
He lives by different rules.</p><p>
  <strong>JeongYH:</strong>
<br/>
And San’s crazy about him.</p><p>
  <strong>Wooyoung:</strong>
<br/>
Truer words never spoken.</p><p>Yeosang<br/>
Thursday evening</p><p>After nearly two days of rehearsing—with rather lovely breaks—they were as good as they could be, since filming was set for tomorrow afternoon. He’d made San promise to rest his voice, not sing anymore, even minimize talking, just in case. San was used to singing for his channel, but they’d raised expectations for this particular performance. He sighed. Performing a duet about falling in love. To be seen by thousands. It still felt somewhat strange, but their particular arrangement, their “something different,” had certainly eased a lot of tension between them. As much as their current rules allowed.</p><p>He’d thought his proposal yesterday was rather clever, but it’d been turned down. Still too close to what he was used to, he’d been told. Yeosang was starting to think his…what should he call him? Boyfriend? He’d only ever had one of those, seven years ago. Too soon for that. So many memories tied to that word. So many…emotions. Soulmate was better, comparatively, except it gave the wrong impression. Whatever they were, he was starting to think San liked being teased more than he’d said. He looked at the clock. Not that late, yet. Hm.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
I can’t decide which I prefer.<br/>
You and me on your bed.<br/>
Or you and me on mine.</p><p>He settled himself against his pillows and waited for a reply.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
Not sure I can help.<br/>
I don’t even know what your bed looks like.</p><p>Oh, that was too easy. He clicked open the camera app, and stretched out his arm. This angle?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
(picture.jpg)</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
Oh.<br/>
Your bed’s bigger than mine.<br/>
Is that…what you usually wear to bed?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
If I’m alone.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
If you’re not alone?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Less.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
Ah.<br/>
That would relate to…easy access?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
You remembered!</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
Yes.<br/>
Vividly.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
You know, that was the first time,<br/>
in a long time, that I didn’t think through.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
You’re not usually so exhibitionist?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
I told you, it could have been done,<br/>
without anyone knowing—except<br/>
I didn’t think about the outcome.<br/>
The room was dim, but those overalls?<br/>
Were not a dark fabric.<br/>
I didn’t think through how to get you<br/>
from the couch to your bedroom,<br/>
to change clothes.<br/>
You’d have had to change clothes.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
…<br/>
Good thing I stopped you.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Regretfully so.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
I would <em>not</em> have wanted anyone else to have<br/>
<em>seen</em> that kind of evidence.<br/>
So why “regretfully”?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Hand job.<br/>
Now on the banned list.<br/>
Also, like I said, dim light,<br/>
but enough to watch you.<br/>
And since you said no to that,<br/>
too, then, yes, regretful.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
It’s only…for now.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Speaking of eventual changes in rules:<br/>
which bed?</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
Which changes are we talking about?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Anything sitting, your bed could work.<br/>
Lying down, that was difficult earlier today.<br/>
Really only worked when we were both on our sides.<br/>
You’re just too damn big.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
Yeosang.</p><p>He laughed. So much fun to tease.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Your shoulders take up a lot of space.<br/>
What did you think I meant?</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
…</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Oh. You thought I meant <em>that</em>.<br/>
Not worried about that.<br/>
You were wearing jogger shorts earlier.<br/>
I can make a good guess, even though<br/>
I can’t be 100% certain, given the<br/>
current no-touch, no-see rules.<br/>
Still, what I know from today, yesterday,<br/>
and Tuesday night? Enough to be useful.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
No tricking this time.<br/>
Only one reason you’d use that word.<br/>
Useful.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Of course.<br/>
Already showered, though—so it <em>was</em> useful.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
Yeosang…</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Hm?</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
Nothing.</p><p>He tipped his head back against the wall. Which series of questions to ask first, to get San in a more receptive mood?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
I’m curious about something.<br/>
May I ask?</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
Sure.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
<em>When</em> do you stop talking?<br/>
Because something you said Tuesday makes me<br/>
think it’s earlier than one might expect.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
I said a lot of things Tuesday night.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
If I recall correctly, you referred to how many hours<br/>
I’d use my words, my hands, my mouth,<br/>
all to make you beg me to fuck you.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
I didn’t say it <em>like that</em>.<br/>
How do you just <em>say it like that</em>?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Because it’s the truth?<br/>
And then you said something about<br/>
losing words, and me watching you<br/>
being silent…while being fucked?</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
<em>Hell</em>.<br/>
How do you just—how?<br/>
Just.<br/>
I didn’t say it <em>like that</em>.<br/>
I wouldn’t be <em>able</em> to say it like that.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
It’s what you meant, though, isn’t it?</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
…<br/>
Yes.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
So do I get an answer to my question?</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
Which question?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Scroll up, Sani.</p><p>Oh, but this was fun. Somewhat physically uncomfortable fun, but still. He’d deal with that later. Again. Right now he was focused on San.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
When talking becomes…a problem.<br/>
Depends on what’s happening.</p><p>And now he needed information. Even if sex was a long way off, he didn’t want to imagine impossible things. He’d never want San—well, anyone, really—to feel pressured.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
What’s happening….<br/>
Do you…have a set preference?<br/>
For who’s in control?</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
Wait.<br/>
Are you trying to politely ask <em>that</em> question?</p><p>For someone perfectly fine with actions, unless he was caught up in the moment, San really went out of his way to avoid “just saying” things.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
It’s not really about being polite.<br/>
I don’t like labels, so, for me,<br/>
I think of it as a preference for control,<br/>
or not. Which can change. Or not.<br/>
Not <em>controlling</em>—that’s a different topic<br/>
entirely.<br/>
I’m fine with, well, any of it.<br/>
But you…?</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
Huh.<br/>
Here’s an idea.<br/>
Throw me a scenario.<br/>
I’ll tell you what I think.</p><p>Hm.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Sunday.<br/>
When I showed up, and you<br/>
weren’t at the gym.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
Um, yeah.<br/>
I didn’t go that day.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
You’d been working out, it looked like for a while.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
That was…</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Sexy as hell.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
Okay.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
I saw the weights in your room, yesterday.<br/>
So I get that. But what do you do for cardio, at home?</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
Why?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Play along?</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
Variations on lunges, planks, jumps—<br/>
I learned to land softly so the neighbors<br/>
don’t yell. When it’s not hell-hot,<br/>
run up and down the stairs outside.<br/>
You?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Oh, I always go to the gym.<br/>
For typical exercise.<br/>
Indoors cardio?<br/>
Your methods work, but they’re not fun.<br/>
The only <em>fun</em> indoors cardio, though,<br/>
requires a flexible partner.<br/>
How flexible <em>are</em> you these days?</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
More than most.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Perfect. Because what I’m thinking of<br/>
requires flexibility and strength.<br/>
Me, I’ve always needed a wall, but you?<br/>
Do you think you’d need one?<br/>
Or could you support me yourself, freestanding?<br/>
Nothing wrong with being pushed up and<br/>
fucked against a wall. I like it.<br/>
But I’ve always wondered what it would be like…<br/>
if someone could manage that position, without.<br/>
And if they could, how long it could last.<br/>
Would you want to try that, with me?<br/>
Would you want to fuck me, like that?</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
You’re going to drive me completely insane.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Is that a yes?<br/>
Would you want to try that?</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
Yes.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
I have no idea if that particular position,<br/>
done like that,<br/>
would make me louder or quieter.<br/>
It’s a rush to think about.<br/>
The only support I’d have…<br/>
the only connection to the world I’d have…<br/>
would be you.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
Me.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
I’ve never been nonverbal,<br/>
but something like that?<br/>
I’d be down to just a few words.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
Which?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
More.<br/>
So good.<br/>
Please.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
Ah.</p><p>San was down to one-word replies. God, his own heart was racing. He wished he could see him. But this would have to do.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
If you needed a wall, of course, that’d be okay.</p><p> <strong>MaybeYou:</strong><br/>
No.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
I can hold on tight.<br/>
That helps a lot.<br/>
But the rest would be up to you.<br/>
Don’t know how long I could last like that.<br/>
You?</p><p>No response. He smiled.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
I know, I just know, that you’re beautiful right now.</p><p>Yeosang took slow, deep breaths, as he waited for a reply.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
That.<br/>
That was…<br/>
You and words.<br/>
How difficult is it to do?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Even against a wall,<br/>
not for the inexperienced.<br/>
Losing balance or control?<br/>
Can be very, very bad.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
But I’m not <em>that</em> experienced.<br/>
So why?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
It’s a long-held fantasy of mine.<br/>
But never before been with—though not yet<br/>
been with, in this case—anyone I could place<br/>
<em>that</em> much physical trust in.<br/>
Inexperience can be remedied by practice.<br/>
Which we’ll eventually get to.<br/>
In the meantime, keep lifting weights. ;)<br/>
Night, Sani.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
Wait!<br/>
Was that just…me?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Yeah.<br/>
But worth it.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
That’s not fair to you.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Why do you think.<br/>
I said goodnight so abruptly?<br/>
I’ll be fine. Soon.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
Call me?</p><p>Yeosang paused.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
So you can hear me?<br/>
When I can’t watch you?<br/>
Don’t think so.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
We’ve already seen—and heard—a fair amount<br/>
from each other.<br/>
Why is this any different?</p><p>He rolled his eyes.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
How people sound, and look,<br/>
when messing around—especially<br/>
so in our case, when there is so much<br/>
we’re not allowed to do, by <em>your</em> rules—<br/>
is different from how they sound,<br/>
and look, during orgasm.<br/>
So. No.</p><p>
  <strong>MaybeYou:</strong>
<br/>
How do you just <em>say it like that</em>?</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
It’s how I am.<br/>
Better get used to it.<br/>
<em>Goodnight</em>, San.</p><p>San<br/>
Sunday afternoon</p><p>San was nervous. He’d downloaded the video from the password-protected filesharing site, and all he had to do was open the file. What if how he felt <em>was</em> obvious in the recording? What would that mean for the two of them? He glanced to the side. Yeosang stood slightly behind him, hands in his pockets, his face calm, but he, too, seemed on edge. They were both worried, he supposed. He’d gained followers on his YouTube channel and his SNS accounts after announcing the upcoming duet. All thanks to that last-minute drama scene, and trending searches. He wished <em>he’d</em> been as immediately practical about the online response—but it didn’t matter. If this did well, it could benefit both of them.</p><p>“Play the video, San.”</p><p>So he did. And, wow, the difference in quality. Good thing he’d emphasized, online, that it was a special occasion, a break from his normal routine. The gap between his amateur style and the precision of Kim Youngjo’s? Immense. He remembered they’d had to start and stop several times, and he was the one used to singing to a camera, knowing he could only glance down at the keyboard a certain number of times, knowing viewers expected a lot of eye contact.</p><p>But even though he’d hauled his keyboard and stand and equipment with him, with its comfort and familiarity, singing with someone else and being filmed by a stranger had made his hands slip a few times. Singing that particular song, with Yeosang, hoping they conveyed the sincerity of the lyrics, even if they weren’t entirely true. Was it weird, that he’d been in love so long, tried to fight against it, helplessly and hopelessly, that he didn’t remember what the beginning felt like? And Yeosang certainly wasn’t falling in love with him. He cared. San knew he cared. But it was different. It’d all been overwhelming.</p><p>This video, though, was flawless. He remembered, now, before the filming had begun, that Yeosang had put a hand on his shoulder, and the warmth had helped him relax. He’d finally been able to do what he usually did: fall just enough under the spell of the song that viewers would believe in it, too. Watching them together, in this video? If Yeosang had used memories from the past, as he’d said he could, or some other method, he’d made it believable, too.</p><p>“Wow,” he said, when the video ended. “We did a good job. No, we did a great job. Don’t you think?” He twisted in his chair, his smile fading fast as he took in Yeosang’s expression. “You don’t like it?”</p><p>“We did too good a job.”</p><p>“What does that mean?” They’d done what he’d always done, hadn’t they? Created content people drew meaning from. That was the whole point, especially when you wrote the song yourself.</p><p>“I was hoping he was wrong. How can a hand on a shoulder be anything but reassurance? But that, with everything else…he was right.”</p><p>San frowned at him. “I don’t understand. Who’s he? And what’s wrong with the song? The video?”</p><p>“Nothing’s wrong with it. The lyrics, the music, they’re entrancing. The song shows off your writing and composing abilities. And we practiced enough, if someone listened with their eyes closed, it shows off the vocals. But people will be watching this. And that’s a problem.”</p><p>“<em>What</em> is a problem?”</p><p>“Youngjo-hyung sent me a…warning, I guess.” Yeosang said, voice flat. “On first view, there aren’t any issues, but the second, the third, it looks a certain way. He edited it, so he watched it multiple times. I wouldn’t have realized if he hadn’t told me.”</p><p>“Realized what? What looks a certain way? I don’t get it.”</p><p>“Watch it again. Not as yourself. Be the average viewer. Watch it again, while listening to the lyrics. Watch us.”</p><p>“Okay,” he said slowly, turning back to face his laptop. He clicked play. It was still beautiful, still believable. He focused on the two of them, their faces. They seemed sincere. That was the point. Average viewer, though—the average viewer wouldn’t know he and Yeosang knew each other. To the average viewer, the hand on the shoulder, the whole video…it didn’t look comforting. It looked a little odd, for two strangers. Unless they weren’t strangers. And if they weren’t strangers, they were two people singing a song about falling in love. Believably. He could imagine the comments. How did they know each other? How well did they know each other? And it would spiral from there.</p><p>He closed the file, and turned back around.</p><p>“There’ll be some who won’t care, but for too many, it’ll be a problem that we’re both men,” Yeosang said evenly. “You can delete comments, but that won’t stop online chatter. The purpose of this collaboration was to highlight our skills. Expand our employment opportunities. But the people who make those decisions take into account public opinion, as well as their own beliefs. We have anti-discrimination laws, but they’re easily avoided with so many songwriters and singers to choose from. Will it affect sales of the second audiobook? I don’t know. Will it affect my future chances in that field? There are many other narrators.”</p><p>“It’s just one video. It can’t do all that.” They weren’t famous or anything.</p><p>“Can’t it? Youngjo-hyung has a good sense about these things. Been in the entertainment industry a while. Seen whispers turn into whirlwinds. Neither of us is established enough to weather a storm.”</p><p>“Then we don’t upload it. Simple as that.”</p><p>Why wasn’t Yeosang’s face changing? Why didn’t he seem relieved?</p><p>“After nearly a week of dropping hints about how different this song would be? After both our agents did the same, on social media? Given how very many followers you have? Given that last week’s renewed searches about me brought up the names of an extremely popular author and a very well-known general? There is <em>interest</em> in this video, San. By ourselves, we’re not that well-known, but right now, while the drama is still airing, that you wrote a song for, a song I sung? Our agencies put that out there, you know. Right now, with all that, there is a <em>lot</em> of interest in this video, which is supposed to be uploaded tonight.”</p><p>“So I should upload it? Risk our careers?” San asked incredulously.</p><p>“With all that interest,” Yeosang continued dispassionately, “if the negative could be overcome, the risk would be far outweighed by potential professional benefits.”</p><p>“How? We’d need a miracle.” He rubbed his arms. What way out could there be?</p><p>“Not really. People like stories. If they aren’t given one, they’ll make one up. That’s the danger Youngjo-hyung saw. But if we give them an unusual enough story, most will focus on that. And what do people most love hearing about? Soulmates. How fascinating a story would it be, that two people who used to be together when young, met again when one sang another’s love song for a romantic drama? That they found out <em>that day</em>, years later, that they were each other’s soulmate? Watching the video with that information in mind? Major change in perception. Two people separated and reunited by <em>Fate</em>.” He grimaced. “Won’t stop prejudice, but will effectively fight against it. It’s the only thing that can, and will.”</p><p>San stared at him in horror. “But you hate that. All of it. And we’d…we’d <em>have</em> to tell our families.” This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. “We can’t have other people come up to them, in our town, and ask, and them not know.”</p><p>“We’ll have to tell them, yeah. Before the video upload. And our agents, have to warn them.”</p><p>“It’s been a <em>month</em>, Yeosang. How do we explain that?” His mother. Oh, she’d be mad at the delay, but then happy. So happy. Soulmates. She’d be spinning his father in circles, smiling and laughing. She’d call everyone she knew.</p><p>“We tell them…we tell them we wanted to keep it private, because it was too much of a shock. Which it was. Our families will sort of get that. Our agents, we tell something similar, bare bones, our wish to have people respect our privacy—as if they will, but that’s the formula. Emphasize the preemptive damage control, with the agents. They will definitely understand that. Handled correctly, it benefits them, too.”</p><p>It could work. It could. But at what cost? He stood up and caught hold of Yeosang’s hands.</p><p>“This isn’t what you want. Every time it’s come up—soulmates, fate, destiny—you’ve made it clear how much you hate it. That it takes away,” he tried to think of the right words, “control of your own life. That soulmates are like, like forced choices. That’s against <em>everything</em> you believe in.”</p><p>Yeosang looked at him steadily. “Everyone else, including you, believes soulmates are supposed to be. They’re all…amazed and happy when Fate so obviously steps in. Remember the party? Only you and I know Jongho, but Seonghwa-hyung was enchanted by the little story. Wooyoung, his original fuck up? He ignored every sensible thought, and just went for it, because us being soulmates would make everything right and perfect. That’s what people are like. I know that. I’m counting on it. It’s the only shield we have, if we want to move forwards. If we want to avoid explaining why, after all the hype, the video can’t be released. We have a future to think about, future careers. There are so many people in our fields. We throw away this opportunity,” he shook his head, “it’d be foolish.”</p><p>“What does it do to us, though?” San asked, falteringly.</p><p>“Putting aside our families and their reactions and all that….” Yeosang closed his eyes tightly for a few seconds. “You asked me…to choose something different, with you. I said yes. I’m not backing out of that. I mean, I couldn’t, even if I wanted to, because…soulmates. Soulmates don’t split up. Can’t imagine a bigger scandal than that, can you?”</p><p>Relief flooded him. What they had was new, and delicate. Even giving it a name had seemed difficult. But now?</p><p>“What do we do?”</p><p>“We need a short video, to be attached, or however you do it, before the duet. To tell viewers our unusual story. You’ll have to do it. I can’t sound like they’d expect me to. I’m sorry for making you film it alone.”</p><p>“It’s okay.” He squeezed Yeosang’s hands. “I can do that.”</p><p>“Was there any part of the interview with Mingi that could be edited to be favorable? I’ve never heard of people lying about soulmates. It puts each person off-limits to everyone else, forever. But anything helpful in the interview—Mingi’s mother loves Instagram stories. She’d quote it, it’d be good backup, for doubters. And she’s known, from the beginning, she’d include that somehow…,” his voice trailed off. He bit his lip.</p><p>San had never told Yeosang the interview had been minutes long. That they’d discussed other topics, the plan he and Wooyoung made up, and Mingi’s determination to ensure if anything went wrong, he could still be seen as trustworthy, and safe. What the hell had he said about soulmates before Mingi turned off the app? Surely something good. He <em>had</em> felt euphoric, before being rejected.</p><p>“There might be a line or two that could be cut together.”</p><p>“Okay. I’ll call Mingi and take care of that. I need to explain to his mother, too, of course. Since I narrated her books, and you wrote the drama adaptation OST, that I sang, her name is bound to be drawn in. She deserves to be talked to, face to face, more than anyone.”</p><p>“Your parents?”</p><p>Yeosang flinched. That wasn’t good. San still didn’t know what that conversation with his mother had been about. Just that, briefly and painfully, it had made him think he’d lost any chance he’d had.</p><p>“I’ll call them after I call my agent. Then Mingi. Or maybe I’ll go to their house, explain to them both at the same time. I don’t know yet. You, you’ve got to call your family, and make the video, put it with the duet. Upload it. But call your agent, first. It’s all got to be done by tonight. It’s enough time, right?”</p><p>Unease crept into San’s mind. Yeosang had never, since they’d met again, sounded anxious. Not until this moment.</p><p>“It’s still afternoon. There’s plenty of time. There aren’t that many people we have to call.”</p><p>“I should call Youngjo-hyung, too. He was worried. Strange.”</p><p>“Strange that he’d worry?”</p><p>“No. He’s nice. I didn’t mean him. I meant strange…strange to be glad I’ve lived the way I have? Never expecting much. Never fighting for people. Always, before you and…everything, letting people go quietly. No one gets it. I thought Mingi did, but not so sure. You think it’s strange. But it’s a good strange, because no one in my past will create problems. I’ll maybe get some shocked texts. But honestly don’t think they’ll care. I never dated anyone mean. I never expected too much. I was always careful to be honest. Never thought that would be helpful, like this. Just…strange.”</p><p>He didn’t know how to respond to that. Or if a response was needed.</p><p>“Strange. It’s all…strange.” Yeosang paused, staring at the wall in silence. He took a breath, then pulled his hands free. He looked back at San. “The video won’t be too hard, right? I mean, you wanted that. The whole soulmate thing.”</p><p>That hurt, a little. He reminded himself it wasn’t an accusation.</p><p>“It won’t be too difficult. I’ll write up a short script, memorize it, film it. It’ll be fine.”</p><p>“Good. I trust you to do it. I do. I trust you.” He gave him a weak smile.</p><p>“Yeosang….” He was feeling more and more worried. He took a step forward, and wrapped his arms around him. He’d been so direct and crisp when pointing out the only smart choice. But that had all been professional, hadn’t it? When Yeosang’s head dropped to his shoulder, and he stayed quiet, the unease and worry intensified. He held him tighter. Why couldn’t he do more for him?</p><p>Slowly, Yeosang lifted his head. “I’ve got to go. Phone calls. And Mingi’s house. You have things to do, too. It’ll…it’ll work out. The story we give them, with the video…maybe you’ll start getting so many calls and commissions, you’ll become a part-time student, like me.”</p><p>“Don’t think I’ll be that popular, no matter what.”</p><p>“You never know. Sometimes the unexpected happens.” He sighed. “I don’t want to call my mother here. It’ll take too long, and you have your own calls to make, and the videos to deal with. You gotta let me go.”</p><p>“I don’t want to.”</p><p>“Sani. We have time, but not too much. And I really do owe it to Mingi’s mother to explain, in person.”</p><p>Reluctantly, he stepped back, arms dropping to his sides. Yeosang reached out a hand and caressed the side of his face. How did a touch feel sad? But it’d be okay. He <em>did</em> believe soulmates were meant to be, and Fate? He couldn’t have tracked Yeosang down, after the studio, except Wooyoung had been a mutual friend, so even that friendship could be seen as destined, to lead up to that day, to finding him after, to making a plan, to the change of mind, to everything. It’d have to be okay.</p><p>Yeosang<br/>
still Sunday, early evening</p><p>Yeosang sat on the edge of his bed. His agent had been startled by the phone call, but had quickly grasped the reasons. He’d be surprised if the agency’s PR department didn’t create an overly sweet, embellished summary that could be leaked out, if need be. His mother, on the other hand, had been upset. He’d denied there being <em>anyone special</em> in his life <em>just last week</em>, when <em>obviously</em> that was untrue, since he had a <em>soulmate</em>. He’d known for a <em>month</em>, and not told her.</p><p>It’d taken the better part of an hour to soothe her, and persuade her that he and San still needed time and space. He'd pointed out the fall semester would be starting in a couple weeks, and San was still a full-time student. He'd promised they’d visit over winter break. He’d promised to update her if anything…changed—her unsubtle reminder that Jongho had gotten engaged to <em>his</em> soulmate within a week, and <em>he</em> was 23, a whole year younger than the two of them. Expectations. So many expectations. He was sure San’s conversation with his parents had gone over more easily. He was equally sure their mothers would soon be on the phone with each other, complaining about their unfeeling sons.</p><p>A panicky feeling seized him. What if San’s mother called him? She’d expect him to sound happy, wouldn’t she? He should’ve asked his mother to promise not to call San. He didn’t think she would, but the very idea made him feel ill. What could either of them say? Their story wasn’t normal, their current situation wasn’t typical, and if they hadn’t been forced into it, would they ever have told anyone? Assuming…assuming they’d lasted? Assuming he and San really <em>could</em> be something different?</p><p>What if other relatives called? His mother was bound to call everyone she knew. What if she called his voice teacher? If that happened…his old neighborhood would know within days. Of course, anyone subscribed to San’s YouTube channel would know within a couple hours. And it was a soulmate story. Exes to soulmates. Irresistible. It’d be shared online.</p><p>What if the people who worked at the library found out? How was he going to act? Like he always had? Except they, too, would expect <em>something</em> to be different about him. He had a <em>soulmate</em>. A handsome, talented, desirable, persistent soulmate who had fought against him, to keep him. Who’d set up ridiculous rules, to try to ensure Yeosang didn’t slip into the patterns he’d held to for years. Who’d somehow never gotten over him, in all this time. How much did you have to want someone, to miss someone, to care for someone, to do all that? Could he ever measure up? What if he couldn’t?</p><p>The room, the apartment—there wasn’t enough air. He felt trapped. He couldn’t stay here. But where could he go? Where would be safe? Not Wooyoung and Seonghwa. Expectations. Not San’s—Yunho was there, and…and right this second, the idea of talking to San <em>hurt</em>. He shouldn’t have chosen that song. He shouldn’t have put his hand on his shoulder during the recording. But how could he not have? San had been so tense, he’d just wanted to help him calm down. He’d thought the constant light pressure would remind him he wasn’t alone, that it would be okay. But nothing was okay.</p><p>Mingi. He forced his thoughts to stop speeding in circles, and focused. Mingi and his mother lived in a house. A house with a gate. A gate with a security code. You had to be buzzed in, or know the code. He was the only non-family member who knew the code. He could be safe there. They had guest rooms. Mingi’s mother knew enough to understand. And what she didn’t…unlike his own mother, she wouldn’t press. Neither would Mingi.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Can I stay at your place a few nights?<br/>
Please say yes.</p><p>He stared at the phone, fidgeting. They could be out to dinner. They could be visiting his grandfather. They could be out shopping. The phone battery could be dead. What should he do?</p><p>
  <strong>MostTrusted:</strong>
<br/>
Of course.<br/>
As long as you need.</p><p>
  <strong>KangYS:</strong>
<br/>
Thank you!</p><p>He stood up and shoved his phone in a pocket. He darted to the closet, and grabbed a large duffel bag. Shirts, jeans, shorts, pajamas, underwear, he shoved them all in. What else? Charger. Toothbrush and toothpaste. Hairbrush and comb. Anything else he needed, they had extras at their house, for guests. He’d spent nights there before. He wouldn’t be gone for that long. He just needed someplace quiet, someplace safe, to figure out how to navigate this new world. Someplace he wouldn’t have to worry about people knocking on his door, or waiting outside his building. Someplace <em>else</em>.</p><p>Mingi<br/>
still Sunday, late evening</p><p>It was dark outside when he led Yeosang up to a guest room. He and his mother had listened to his friend’s explanations and apologies, his mother frowning thoughtfully before reassuring him they’d help him however he needed. She’d been indignant to think of anyone questioning Yeosang’s integrity. As had he, but he wouldn’t lecture a stranger on how their incorrect assumptions about another human being placed them below the tiny feet of bugs. His mother would, on a good day. On a bad day, she’d be much more forceful.</p><p>After insisting they all eat something, she’d vanished into her study. Mingi imagined she’d be calling Yeosang’s agent to ensure whatever written garbage they planned to push out be vetted by her, first, since they were incompetent at the best of times. After that? Whatever she felt necessary to protect someone so obviously vulnerable. Which was troubling. He’d never seen his friend balanced so precariously between calm and thinly covered fear. He didn’t think he’d ever seen him fearful, ever.</p><p>He pushed open a door on the second floor and slowly followed Yeosang inside, watching as he dropped his bag near the bed, and rolled to the center of the mattress, a small pillow clutched against his chest. Not normal at all. Quietly, he walked closer and sat on the edge of the bed, and waited.</p><p>“I needed to be someplace I felt safe. That’s still true. And the only place I could think of, was here. But it’s not just that. I realized, on my way over, that I wanted…to hide. It’s silly. It’s very selfish. I know I can’t do it for long. But that video goes up tonight. San has tens of thousands of subscribers to his channel.” He paused. “You’d know that. Being one of them.”</p><p>“It’s already up. I got the notification a little while ago.”</p><p>“Oh.” He pulled his cell phone out of a pocket and pushed it toward the head of the bed. “Well. That’s done, then.”</p><p>“Who do you want to hide from?” He felt like he was prying, but if he was going to help, he had to know.</p><p>“Everyone. Everyone who expects things. I know no one agrees with me, about soulmates, but everyone except for you, and your mother, will have expectations. Even Wooyoung and Seonghwa-hyung, even Yunho—since the video looks…like it does. It’s so stupid.”</p><p>“Does San…have expectations?”</p><p>“No. People will have expectations <em>of us</em>. The most impossible, expecting us both to be <em>so</em> happy about it. Being soulmates. All the time. And I can’t do that, like you said other soulmates do.”</p><p>“Maybe not everyone. Though my mother’s interviews and research do point that way.” He shifted uncomfortably. “Maybe it’s because they’re being asked about the other person? Maybe in everyday life, they’re not like that.”</p><p>“Jongho, the person San mentioned at the party? He proposed to the girl within a week of their encounter.”</p><p>“Some people are romantic.”</p><p>“He’s not like that. Not a lovey-dovey, hearts and kisses, I’m still in college not earning any money but I’m going to propose to this person even though she’s my soulmate and won’t say yes to anyone else so there’s no need to rush person.”</p><p>“You last saw him in 2016. He could have changed. You did, from everything you’ve said.”</p><p>He was terrible at this. The awful expression on Yeosang’s face told him so.</p><p>“Only because I had to. I never wanted to be in that much pain ever again. The only way to lessen the chances of that were to stop hoping people would stay, and stop expecting anything to last. Do you think I <em>wanted</em> to be like that? That that was my <em>dream</em>?” He let the pillow fall and rubbed fiercely at his eyes.</p><p>His mother would kill him if he made Yeosang cry. San would kill him. <em>Everyone</em> would kill him. But he’d never, <em>ever</em> seen Yeosang tear up.</p><p>“I have half my dream. Or I’m getting there. Singing. And the books, though I never thought of that. Keeping that dream—and San keeping his dream—meant taking the best chance for maximum exposure, with that duet. And it’s a <em>brilliant</em> song he wrote. We did it justice. But because there was,” he swallowed hard, “there was, and still is, something between us, and the song is about falling in love, we made it look real. In a world without prejudice, it wouldn’t matter. The song and the singers could be judged on their merits. But we don’t live in that world. Because we have the blessing of Fate, though, we can tell the world we’re soulmates. Doesn’t reverse prejudice, but the tidal wave of sentiment is so powerful, I knew it would override it. Especially such a story.”</p><p>He started to laugh, a slightly wild sound to it. “Wouldn’t it be the absolute height of absurdity, irony, something, if someone wrote a drama, based on me and San? It has everything they could want. Secret high school love that falls apart. One buries the pain as far down as possible. One tries to move on, and can’t. Years later, they meet, and almost pass without a word, except Fate intervenes and one pulls the other to safety from a fucking runaway cart, and when their hands touch, they both know. A writer could invent all sorts of problems to delay the inevitable happy ending, though none would come close to reality. Wouldn’t pass censorship, if it did.”</p><p>He'd never seen Yeosang like this. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t have the right background. Maybe he should talk to San. He probably should. But like this? He wished he knew what to do.</p><p>The phone vibrated. And then again. Yeosang turned to stare at it.</p><p>“Minjee,” he whispered. “So soon.”</p><p>“Do you…want me to read it for you?” He really hoped not.</p><p>“No. Pretty sure what it says.” He turned back to face Mingi, and oh—that’s why people used the words:  felt like your heart dropped. Anatomically impossible, but it felt like it, when you saw your friend with slow tears falling down his face. “Congratulations. Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Something like that. It’s just the beginning. Probably comments under the video already.”</p><p>“Do you,” he hesitated. Would it be good or bad to offer? He didn’t know. But he could give Yeosang a choice. He <em>needed</em> to be able to make a choice, he thought. No matter how small. “Do you want me to check out the upload—just to scan the comments. Not watch the video.” He probably should watch it, later. Maybe it’d help him understand, somehow.</p><p>“To see if it was worth it? I guess it’d be good to confirm. I don’t want to touch a phone right now.”</p><p>Mingi nodded jerkily, grateful for the chance to look away from the tears trickling down Yeosang’s face. He plucked his phone out of a pocket, and opened up YouTube. Subscriptions. There it was. He clicked through to the main page, then the latest upload, and immediately hit pause. He scrolled down to the comments. Surprise. Envy. A few nasty comments he was sure San would delete. But mostly, congratulations. And questions. A lot of heart emojis. He cleared his throat.</p><p>“There’s already a lot. Since he’d been promising something special. People must have been waiting for it. Most every comment has congratulations in it. Some people want to know more. I don’t know why they think they’ll get further answers from him.” He kept scrolling. He didn’t want to look up.</p><p>“They won’t. But that’s what people do. They ask questions. Expecting different answers from people who have the prestige of Fate as matchmaker. Expecting dramatic moments. Even though I’m sure there are more soulmates who met under the most ordinary circumstances than ones who have a ridiculous story like me and San.”</p><p>No more comments. Yet. There’d be hundreds, if not thousands, more, by morning. He switched to Twitter. He’d check if anything related to them was trending. He really, really did not want to look up.</p><p>“Do you know what the other half of my dream was? It’s ironic. Because I let it go. And now it’s come back, but it’s not at all how I thought it’d be.”</p><p>They were trending. He clicked on a few tweets. More of the same, mostly. Looked like stills and clips from the video. And some people trying to start hashtags. It would, as Yeosang had predicted, drown out any backlash. But now he had no more excuses. He looked up. Shit. More tears. How could he sound <em>almost</em> normal, with so many tears? He stood up and strode to the attached bathroom, and came back with a handtowel.</p><p>“Best we have, up here.”</p><p>Yeosang smiled at him, and pressed the towel to his face. Mingi sat back down.</p><p>“San? The other half of your dream?”</p><p>“Ironic, yeah? It was pure dream, back then. Believing it will all my heart. And then it crumbled. I had to let it go, re-learn how to deal with people. Forget that pure, stupid dream. Which I did. Mostly.”</p><p>Mingi looked at him in startlement. He didn’t think he’d heard this before.</p><p>“Tiny, wispy dreams that that day had gone differently. They hurt. Always made me angry. Always reminded me that no matter how much I told myself it was done and gone, it never fully was. And then he came back. Soulmates. It was so hideously unfair. Then Wooyoung’s betrayal. Not cruel but it hurt even more. Six years of training myself how to keep pain as low as possible, and all it took to create cracks in those walls was San, appearing again. Wooyoung, helping him. Seonghwa, on their side. I wanted them all gone—and I didn’t. I knew I should. I knew San wouldn’t stay, and when he left, they’d leave again. And it would hurt. But that didn’t happen. And now? San won’t leave. He can’t leave. Soulmates don’t. If either of us left the other, it’d be ruin. So that dream, where he’d stay, just because he wanted to? There’s no way to be sure. Which means it’s gone, Mingi. I won’t ever see that half-dream come true. And that…that hurts so much.”</p><p>It was a good thing, he told himself, that San wasn’t here. Seeing Yeosang like this, being unable to say or do anything to help him? It’d devastate him. His phone vibrated. San. Oh, hell. He tapped the message:</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><br/>Where’s Yeosang??<br/>He’s not answering his phone.<br/>Please tell me he’s with you.<br/>Please.</p>
</blockquote><p>He rubbed his forehead. Choices. Give Yeosang choices. He couldn’t think of anything else to do.</p><p>“Yeosang. San’s apparently been calling you. Or texting. I don’t know. But now he’s texted me. Wanting to know if you’re here. Do you want to call him? If you don’t, I’ll just…I’ll step out and let him know you’re…here.” Not okay. He was far from okay. But he was safe.</p><p>Yeosang shook his head violently, towel clutched in his hands, shoulders curled forward.</p><p>“Okay. Do you…do you want me to come back, after I text him? Or would you rather…be alone?” he asked awkwardly.</p><p>“You’ll be—nearby, right?”</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>“Alone. I can’t…hold myself together. Not nice to see.”</p><p>“Okay. If you need anything—anything, I’m serious—I’m right now the hall, remember?”</p><p>Yeosang curled up even tighter, shoulders shaking. He felt so useless. How much worse would it be for San?</p><p>San</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong>
<br/>
Where’s Yeosang??<br/>
He’s not answering his phone.<br/>
Please tell me he’s with you.<br/>
Please.</p><p>San sat slumped in his chair, staring at his phone. Yeosang had to be there. He’d said he planned to. He’d assumed he’d head back to his apartment, but maybe not. If he was in his apartment, and ignoring his calls and texts, he didn’t know what to think. If he was at Mingi’s, he might somehow not have noticed.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong>
<br/>
He’s here.<br/>
At our house.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong>
<br/>
Oh, thank God.<br/>
Could you ask him to call me?</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong>
<br/>
He can’t.</p><p>He straightened up, tired eyes narrowed.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong>
<br/>
Why not?</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong>
<br/>
He doesn’t want to talk to you.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong>
<br/>
What??<br/>
Why????<br/>
Is he okay?<br/>
Is he NOT okay????</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong>
<br/>
You wouldn’t want to be here right now.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong>
<br/>
Mingi.<br/>
I <em>love</em> him.<br/>
I will always, always want to be there for him.<br/>
What’s wrong?</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong>
<br/>
I don’t…entirely know.<br/>
Some of it makes sense.<br/>
Some of it doesn’t.<br/>
But I’ve never been in a relationship.<br/>
So I don’t know if this is normal.<br/>
I’ve just…never seen him like this.</p><p>The unease and worry from earlier, when Yeosang had been here with him, returned full force.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong>
<br/>
You cannot be vague like that.<br/>
Please.<br/>
What’s wrong with him?<br/>
What’s happening?</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong>
<br/>
A lot of things. I think.<br/>
But the worst.<br/>
He won’t stop crying.<br/>
It’s horrible to see.<br/>
I stayed as long as he let me.<br/>
But I’m in my own room, now.</p><p>His hands tightened on the phone. Yeosang crying. And he wasn’t there.</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong>
<br/>
Why is he crying?<br/>
If he won’t talk to me, himself,<br/>
you have to tell me.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong>
<br/>
I don’t know if I’m supposed to tell or not.<br/>
I think you might feel worse if I did.</p><p>He pushed down his frustration. How could someone be so smart, and so clueless at the same time?</p><p>
  <strong>ChoiS:</strong>
<br/>
No insult to you, Mingi.<br/>
But can you ask your mom what she thinks?</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong>
<br/>
That’s…probably best.<br/>
I’ll be back.</p><p>Working on the assumption that Mingi’s mother would have real life experience—and more common sense—San carefully put his phone down, and changed clothes. He looked at the phone screen. No answer yet. He hoped she had more common sense. He rolled on socks and padded to the front door, grabbed the first pair of sneakers he could find, and laced them up. And waited, staring at his phone.</p><p>
  <strong>PublishedAuthor:</strong>
<br/>
She said you should come over.<br/>
I’ll text our address.</p><p>Yeosang</p><p>Yeosang stared at the window on the opposite wall. He should’ve pulled the curtains shut, earlier.  </p><p>The door opened. He appreciated the effort, but…. “Mingi, I’m not someone you want to be around, right now. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”</p><p>He hadn’t expected to lose every shred of self-control. Poor Mingi. Probably traumatized.</p><p>The door closed, and he curled up on his side. He felt safer in this house, but so terribly alone.</p><p>Someone sat on his bed. A hand brushed his hair back. He heard a soft sigh, and froze.</p><p>“Sani?” he whispered.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“How are you here?”</p><p>“You’re in pain, Yeosang. You don’t have to deal with that by yourself.”</p><p>“What if part of the reason I’m in pain, is you?”</p><p>“Then I wish you’d tell me. I can’t try to help, if I don’t understand.”</p><p>His eyes burned as tears began falling again.</p><p>“If it’s something you can’t help, something you can’t fix?”</p><p>The mattress shifted as San moved closer.</p><p>“Then…unless you tell me to go, and you really do want me to go, I’d still rather stay. So you’re not alone.”</p><p>He was so tired of crying.</p><p>“Yeosang-ah. You’re breaking my heart. Please don’t cry.”</p><p>“Can’t help it.”</p><p>“Is there anything I can do?”</p><p>He didn’t like San sounding helpless. But what could he do? The soulmates thing was so wretched. The non-professional consequences so miserable and exhausting to think about. They were stuck.</p><p>“I want to sleep.”</p><p>“In jeans?”</p><p>“Too tired to change.” He reached around for the towel, grabbed it, and pressed it against his eyes.</p><p>San puffed out a breath.</p><p>“Roll towards me.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Just…trust me on this, okay?”</p><p>Confused, Yeosang let go of the towel and twisted his body around. He could mostly make San out, in the dark.</p><p>The mattress shifted again as San stepped down, and pulled Yeosang upright with him. What on earth?</p><p>“Try not to fall?”</p><p>San bent down, and before Yeosang could fully process what was happening, had him stepping out of his jeans. He leaned back and flipped the coverlet over.</p><p>“Get in.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You’re so out of it, love. Just slide under the cover, there you go. Better without jeans, yeah? I don’t know if you get hot or cold so…I’ll leave the cover to you. Goodnight, Yeosang.”</p><p>San turned away towards the door.</p><p>“Where are you going?” He hated how shaky his voice was.</p><p>Whip-fast, San was next to the bed again.</p><p>“Please don’t cry again. You sound like you’re going to.” His hands hovered over him in the air, before he let them fall to his sides.</p><p>What was <em>wrong</em> with him? He couldn’t let San leave the room without being afraid he’d never come back? It was silly. But he’d fled to this house to hide, knowing that was silly, so….</p><p>“Stay?”</p><p>“That would help?”</p><p>“Yes. Don’t leave. Please.”</p><p>“That’d have us both without jeans, in the same bed. We put out the soulmate story, and now this? Going all out for a gay drama script day, Yeosang?”</p><p>He laughed. It probably wasn’t that funny, but he was so tired.</p><p>“I don’t care what you strip down to.”</p><p>“Like you ever would,” San muttered. “Should I narrate?” he inquired. “Button, zipper, etcetera?”</p><p>It wasn’t funny. It wasn’t, but he couldn’t stop laughing, even as he shifted sideways to make room.</p><p>San slid under the cover, and flipped it over both of them.</p><p>“I thought I decided on the cover.” He yawned.</p><p>“Not if I’m almost half naked in a stranger’s house. Modesty, Yeosang.”</p><p>“Stop. Stop making me laugh. It hurts.”</p><p>“Hm. Better sleep after laughing, probably.”</p><p>The room grew quiet.</p><p>“Can I….?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I’ve just never…”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Fuck it.” Yeosang flung an arm across San and pulled himself forward and up, resting his head on San’s chest. “Is this okay?”</p><p>“Yeah. It’s…fine. You don’t ever have to ask.”</p><p>“Good. That was awkward.” He yawned again.</p><p>“I will never understand how your brain works.”</p><p>“I don’t either,” he said sleepily. “If you’d left the room, I’d have cried again.”</p><p>“One more reason among many never to leave you, then,” San whispered.</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“Go to sleep, Yeosang.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Was Yeosang too sleepy to catch that affectionate nickname? Hm. Will see.</p><p> </p><p>(Note: I did not use the name of that particular sexual position, cause I think it's a ridiculous name, plus given Yeosang's *reason* for referring to it.......description was more important. ;)  It occurred to me when I was trying to figure out what to use for the scenario.....I sometimes read trashy historical romance novels for fun.....they are *hilarious*.....and a memory of reading such a scene came to mind. After that, I just did a bit of medical research to make sure regular....tho quite strong....people of any possible human pair-up, could make it work.)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. When Does the World Make Sense?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>San</p>
<p>Waking up in the early dawn hours to carefully maneuver his way out of bed, so as not to wake Yeosang, then stumble to the bathroom, misjudge and slam his toes into the paneling, and swallow back the instinctive yelp of pain? Not the best way to become wide awake…except it hadn’t been long before the sun had started to rise and the curtains hadn’t been closed, and watching the light pour in through the window, making Yeosang look like a haloed angel? That was amazing, even if did nothing to lessen his worries.</p>
<p>Yeosang, asking him where he was going, the very real sound of new tears in his voice? He’d been scared. It hurt, so much, seeing him like that. Hearing his voice sound crackly and rough. Not knowing how long he’d been crying. Being asked to stay had stunned him, but if it would help, then anything. Anything. Especially if he was the cause of the pain. Again. What had he done? Something he couldn’t fix? Would it get worse?</p>
<p>He looked at the floor. He’d placed his phone on top of his jeans. While Yeosang slept, he could skim the comments under the video. Delete where needed. Social media, he should check that. Do what he could to decrease the chances of last night repeating itself. Though would it? He hadn’t expected such a…collapse—no other word for it—after they’d parted company yesterday afternoon. They needed to talk, but it could wait. He scooped up his phone and eased himself back onto the bed, carefully arranging a pillow to provide some back support to lean against. Maybe there wasn’t anything to soulmates beyond them simply being the best match for each other, but it was certainly easier to believe difficulties could be overcome when you were right next to yours. It made him feel more secure.</p>
<p>He set to work, grateful he’d charged his phone yesterday after a quick call to his agent and a somewhat longer call to his mother. Video comments first, bound to be more of those than last night. Which there were. Wow. No way he’d be able to wade through all of them in the next couple hours. He’d start with those that had the most interactions. Still mostly congratulations, which was good. The terrible comments—delete most of those. Keep the ones with dislikes and replies arguing against the ugly statements. The questions? Not answering those, none of their business. They had the introductory video, explaining all he intended to share. What was <em>that</em> link? Something on Twitter? He clicked on it.</p>
<p>That OST tech? How had he heard about any of this? It hadn’t been terribly late when he’d posted the full video, but for non-followers to have heard about it? Though he supposed the guy could be a channel subscriber. Awfully coincidental—or not, given the last several weeks. No way he could have heard any of their private conversation in the studio. Wouldn’t have been good for them, if he had, since the words hadn’t been complimentary. But as an observer, it shored up their story. San, himself, hadn’t been paying attention to anyone after that moment of physical contact, with its surge of immediate knowledge. Never occurred to him notice would be taken. He took a screenshot and bookmarked it. Plenty of retweets already, but it could prove useful. Depended on how the next few days went.</p>
<p>The potentially worst part: Twitter searches. Had to be done.</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>They’re both so good-looking. It figures.</p>
  <p>OSTs? Kang Yeosang should take up acting! To make a kiss look real in a drama when you have a soulmate? Incredible.</p>
  <p>How can such a story be real? But that OST tech tweeting about it, he saw it happen!</p>
  <p>It’s sad they were apart so long, but look at their faces! People who think they’re lying are crazy.</p>
  <p>Did they fall in love again right after they found out they were soulmates? Is that how it works? I don’t know anybody who’s met theirs.</p>
</blockquote><p>Wishful thinking. He locked his phone and closed his eyes. He didn’t think any soulmates instantly fell in love. If he’d been in love with someone else—no, he couldn’t even imagine what that was like. If a person was in love with another, and then found out someone <em>else</em> was their soulmate? What <em>would</em> they do? He’d never heard stories about anything like that. Maybe they kept quiet? Maybe they left the people they were with? Maybe Fate made sure it never happened? He had no idea. How much more difficult was their situation going to be, realistically speaking, when the choice to reveal had been forced upon them? They really, really needed to talk.</p>
<p>“Sani?”</p>
<p>“Hm?” Awake, then.</p>
<p>“Mint candy?”</p>
<p>He opened his eyes and looked curiously at Yeosang. “Where did you get that?”</p>
<p>“Bedside table. Whenever I used to stay over, there’d be sweet treats. It’s been a long time since I spent the night here, so I guess the housekeeper grabbed what she could find and dropped them in the drawer. Usually there are cookies, but not today.” He crunched the mint in his mouth, and held out a hand with another, still wrapped.</p>
<p>“Why would I want candy in the morning?”</p>
<p>“Mint kisses?”</p>
<p>Okay. San took the offered treat, unwrapped it, and popped it in his mouth. They were going with casual-flirty this morning. How long would it last?</p>
<p>“Want to shower with me?”</p>
<p>The mint shattered in his mouth. The hell? He chewed and swallowed.</p>
<p>“No. I didn’t bring any clothes with me. Even if I had, no.”</p>
<p>“The rules don’t forbid it.” A tiny smile appeared on Yeosang’s face.</p>
<p>He was going to have to say it outright.</p>
<p>“You know, I’m just…gonna be honest. Those rules would only partially survive, if I said yes. The only reason they’d survive at all is I’m absolutely sure neither the washroom nor this bedroom contain certain very necessary items.”</p>
<p>Yeosang’s eyes widened. “Are you serious?”</p>
<p>“Yes. You and me? In a <em>shower</em>? I don’t care how much of a stereotype it is, that’s too much to resist. It’s difficult enough on any given day I’m around you. So. No. You said there’s a housekeeper here?”</p>
<p>“Yeah…. Housekeeper-cook.”</p>
<p>“Would she be awake now?”</p>
<p>“Um…,” Yeosang shifted restlessly.</p>
<p>“Stop thinking about it.”</p>
<p>“Not possible. You just told me if I had personal supplies with me, the rules would be fucked to hell.”</p>
<p>“Only if I said yes,” San corrected him. “And I said I wouldn’t.” It was so, so tempting, though. He dropped the phone onto the bed, and climbed out, reaching down for his jeans and pulling them on as quickly as he could. He looked back up. “I showered last night, anyway. Would she be awake now? Or would anyone be downstairs, to show me the kitchen, and tell me where some basic foods could be? I’ll bring some back for you to eat.”</p>
<p>“Last night. That…that makes sense. You would’ve wanted to look good for the intro video. Um. Yes, she’s awake by now. It’s a Monday, she’ll be making grocery lists. Go and…get something to eat.”</p>
<p>Dammit.</p>
<p>“San. I won’t turn into…the disaster I was last night, if you leave the room for some food. Go eat. Maybe send a message to the group chat, so they’re…aware. Of the change in circumstances. We don’t need conflicting stories anywhere. Go on. Go.”</p>
<p>They both needed food. He’d rather go alone than subject Yeosang to up close and personal attention from anyone else in the house, yet. With one last worried look, he picked up his phone, turned and walked to the door, slipping out, and quietly shutting it behind him.</p>
<p>Yeosang</p>
<p>Last night, he thought, as he washed his hair in the shower. Of course San would have cleaned up before filming the video. He let water cascade over him, slowly rinsing the suds out. Always nice-smelling shower products in the guest rooms. Last night, when he’d uploaded the introduction to the video of them singing. He finger-combed conditioner into his hair. He should cut it soon. With voiceover auditions, you had to look just as crisp as auditions for visual ads—and his current style was just too long. It made him stand out. That wasn’t good. Maybe if he cut it shot and dyed it back to black, people wouldn’t recognize him as the same person from the drama and the song video.</p>
<p>Unlikely anyone would forget either of their names soon, though. They weren’t anywhere near famous, but San had so many followers. He didn’t want to think about the number he’d seen on his channel’s page. He, himself, was temporarily on the public radar. Their agents would want to capitalize on that. If they were clever, producers behind some dramas in the planning or early filming stages would want a piece of that attention. Gossip fueled interest, and interest boosted viewership.</p>
<p>As much as he and San had competitors, every drama out there fought hard for numbers. Well-timed releases of behind the scenes footage, short interviews with actors hinting at surprising plot twists. All attempts to persuade people to spend an hour of their evening watching one program over another. Everyone knew it. So something unusual? There’d be people who would want a part of that. Not right away, but soon.</p>
<p>He’d need to check in with his agent later. Which would mean charging his phone. Seeing messages he’d need to acknowledge and respond to. Strangers. Friends. Family. All expecting…something. He refused to pretend excitement, didn’t think he even could, but he could <em>not</em> seem sad or bitter. Concealing those, he could manage. He had to, for his—their—professional sakes.</p>
<p>What about school? He and San were in the same college of music, at the same university. How they’d managed to avoid meeting before was owed to Wooyoung, and, well, Fate. But students in their college would know. They’d expect them to act…how? He wasn’t sure. They’d expect to see them together. Did any of their schedules overlap this upcoming term? He didn’t know.</p>
<p>He turned off the shower and looked at the door. They had to talk. He really didn’t want to, but they had to. He’d told Mingi that San didn’t expect anything from him, but that wasn’t entirely true. He’d agreed to try their “something different.” Which meant a different kind of honesty than any he’d practiced in years. It had been going to be gradual, just between them, but now? Winter break at home, with their families. Everyone, but everyone, would have expectations, building up over the months. They’d have to be ready for anything. Which meant no surprises. He shivered. It was cold, without the warm water.</p>
<p>San</p>
<p>San smoothed out the sheets and covers, then picked up the tray from downstairs, sliding it onto the bed. He heard the water turn off, and sat down on the mattress, waiting. It wasn’t supposed to have gone like this. Not any of it. When the door opened, and Yeosang walked out, though, he immediately looked down at his hands.</p>
<p>“Could you not have…worn a towel or something, coming out of there? Before you got dressed?”</p>
<p>He heard a very faint laugh.</p>
<p>“I haven’t done that since I got my own apartment, two years ago. If it bothers you that much, you should close your eyes. My clothes are in the bag right near your feet.”</p>
<p>He shut his eyes. It didn’t help that much. He’d <em>seen</em>. He did his best to ignore the quiet rustling of fabric directly to his side. He was…right there. And it was so not the time to have these kinds of thoughts. He relaxed when he heard the other move away.</p>
<p>“I’m decent, Sani.” Yeosang definitely sounded amused.</p>
<p>He opened his eyes and pushed the tray forward. “Fruit. Bread.” He looked up. Thin sweats and a faded tee shirt. Right. “You want updates?”</p>
<p>“Want them? No. Need to hear them? Yes. Let me just…plug in my phone first. Battery went dead last night.”</p>
<p>After Yeosang sat on the opposite side of the bed, and filled a plate with food, he paused. “Are any of these updates going to make me wish I hadn’t eaten?”</p>
<p>“What? No. Almost all the feedback and responses are positive. I haven’t read through all the comments on the video upload page. There’s just too many of them. But only a handful were…unpleasant enough for me to delete.”</p>
<p>“Soulmate stories,” Yeosang said, distaste clear in his voice. “I bet there are websites dedicated to them. I’m sure people are adding in details that never existed, to ours, to make it all sound…romantic.”</p>
<p>He was fairly certain in one of their texting conversations, there’d been mention that soulmates as a concept ought to be romantic—and he hadn’t been the person who’d said it—but it had been tangled up with a firm dislike of the reality. Best to say nothing.</p>
<p>“What I saw on Twitter, though I didn’t look for long, was mostly good. Lots of questions, of course, but doubts? Being silenced by one of the sound production crew members in the studio the day you recorded the OST.”</p>
<p>Yeosang looked puzzled, but kept eating. He’d focus on that, instead of…earlier. The expression plus how he ate—he suppressed a smile. How had he forgotten, and not noticed until this moment, that when he ate, he was adorable?</p>
<p>“One of the sound techs posted on Twitter. I guess he or someone he knows is a subscriber to my channel? He saw the video, anyway, and wrote about it in a series of tweets. Um. Hold on…let me get my phone…I’ll read them to you.”</p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Those people who think it’s fake, for attention, are just jealous. I was there. I saw it. They acted like they didn’t know each other at first, bowing with full honorifics. But Choi San pulled Kang Yeosang out of the path of an intern’s overloaded cart and I saw them freeze up when their hands met. Choi San ran after Kang Yeosang into the hallway using completely informal language, begging him to stop. No other shock could create such a reaction. It makes perfect sense. How startled they must have been.</p>
</blockquote><p>“There are lots of responses to him, and retweets of what he wrote. Some people saying he’s a friend of ours, but others are arguing back his whole timeline is him and his family so that’s unlikely, and it goes on from there. He’s believable enough for most people.”</p>
<p>“Good thing he didn’t hear how rude I was to you,” Yeosang murmured.</p>
<p>“That wouldn’t have helped the narrative and the image people are building up, true.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry for what I said that day.”</p>
<p>“It wasn’t that bad.”</p>
<p>“San.”</p>
<p>“It doesn’t seem that bad, looking back, now that I know more than I knew then, okay?” It was also dwarfed by the terrible fear he’d had of losing him, again, when he’d told the whole group he was headed out looking for someone new to date. But they’d already talked about that.</p>
<p>“How did…how did your parents react?”</p>
<p>“Almost exactly like I thought they would. My mother wished she’d been told right away, because she’s my mother, but also so she could have told Jongho’s mother that <em>her</em> son had met <em>his</em> soulmate first. Weirdly competitive of her, didn’t even occur to me that’d be part of her response.”</p>
<p>Yeosang put his plate back on the tray. “The timing on Jongho and his soulmate…really not the best.” He picked up the tray and walked it over to the flat-top desk. “Did she say anything else? About it being…me? Did she wish it’d been someone else?” He picked up a pen and flipped it back and forth between his fingers.</p>
<p>“No. Why would she? Did your parents react badly?” His mother had said she’d been chatting with Yeosang’s mother lately. It had sounded friendly.</p>
<p>“My mother was…not pleased. When we texted last week, a few hours before you came over to my apartment, a lot of what she said was about you. The OST, the collab, were you as charming as she remembered, the fact I’ve never brought anyone home to meet them since you. I told her I wasn’t seeing anyone special. It was true, when I talked to her. So you can imagine how she took the news, yesterday, that I’d…met my soulmate several weeks before that conversation. <em>Obviously</em>, it meant I’d lied to her. And convinced you not to say anything to your parents because I didn’t want them involved. The only bright spot, for her, was that said soulmate is <em>you</em>. She always liked you. It took a while to calm her down. Only really worked when I promised we’d go home over winter break. I’m sorry for promising without asking you first.”</p>
<p>“It’s not a problem. I’m sure everyone,” he paused. There was no other way to say it. “I’m sure our families expect that. Now that they know.”</p>
<p>“<em>Everyone</em> will have expectations, now that they know. You think <em>your </em>mother’s reaction was a bit much? Last week, when I told her I was more focused on work than looking for someone I’d want to…bring home, she took that as financial worries holding me back. Rather than reasons she’d never have understood.” He dropped the pen on the desk and slowly turned around. “She told me if I ever found someone I wanted to be with <em>permanently</em>, they’d buy me an apartment outright. So I wouldn’t…have to worry about that. So I could just…be happy. With that someone. I thanked her, because what else could I say? But now…well, soulmates being the very definition of permanent, she felt purposefully misled.”</p>
<p>“Oh.” Sharing an apartment? That wasn’t something he’d even thought about.</p>
<p>“It gets worse. As she calmed down, I was reminded to let her know if anything <em>changes</em> with us. Since we’re both a year older than Jongho, if <em>he</em> could propose to a <em>stranger</em> within a week of meeting her because <em>Fate</em> said she was his soulmate, then the two of us….”</p>
<p>Yeosang’s mother expected…did <em>his</em> mother expect the same? She hadn’t said anything like that, but she <em>had</em> taken it as completely natural, that his friend had gotten engaged so quickly. He hadn’t thought much of it, either. But they were different. So different. He’d just barely persuaded Yeosang to consider the possibility of an actual, real relationship working. What regular soulmates might do, didn’t apply to them. But no one else knew all the complicated reasons why that was so. They <em>would</em> expect typical soulmate behavior. No wonder he’d fled here. What an absolute nightmare it must feel like. All for a song, which idea <em>he</em> had suggested to his agent. Which made it, to a degree, his fault. Again. And it wasn’t something he could fix.</p>
<p>“I thought you might look like that.”</p>
<p>“Like what?”</p>
<p>“Horrified. Don’t worry. The last time I thought I’d be married to you was high school. Stupid dreams like that don’t last.”</p>
<p>Stupid dreams?</p>
<p>“It’s not what you think,” he said quickly.</p>
<p>“I said not to worry. It doesn’t matter.” Yeosang drew the chair out from the desk and sunk into it. “Not every expectation has to be met. We just have to be aware of them. I told my mother we still needed time and space. She <em>did</em> understand that, given the whole used to date, then broke up history. Doesn’t stop her from hoping that years and years of familiarity previous to that, as well as the whole…being soulmates thing…will speed things up. She can keep hoping. I’m not an excitable person, so people will have to accept that I won’t go on and on about you. Like most soulmates apparently do. I’d guess most will assume I’m just too shy,” he said mockingly.</p>
<p>They’d have to be stupid to think that, if they spoke with him for more than one minute. But strangers? <em>He</em> had been the one to film the video attached to the song. Yeosang hadn’t appeared. Maybe they already thought him shy? Funny, when he was the most straightforward and direct person he knew.</p>
<p>“If there had been any other option than telling people, I’d have chosen it, you know. I didn’t want to deal with the pressure, of course, but you…you’re stuck, now. I’m so sorry for that.”</p>
<p>Yeosang was apologizing to him? That didn’t make sense.</p>
<p>“The expectations? That’s not your fault. Don’t apologize for what’s not your fault.”</p>
<p>“They’re suffocating, aren’t they? But that isn’t what I’m sorry for. Maybe if I’d chosen a different song, it wouldn’t even have been an issue. It was just so gorgeous, and I never thought it would <em>look</em> the way it did, when filmed.”</p>
<p>“I picked the song, Yeosang. You gave me two options.”</p>
<p>“Neither were smart choices on my part. I should have thought it through. Two men singing a song. I should have picked playful. I wasn’t confident I could sing such a song, but I could have rehearsed more. I’ve had enough training. Less sleep, no breaks, I could’ve managed it. It would have looked fine. We wouldn’t have had to tell people. You wouldn’t be trapped.”</p>
<p>Something was wrong again. He stood up slowly.</p>
<p>“Why would you think of me as trapped?” San asked warily.</p>
<p>“You wanted me to choose something different. I did. I don’t regret that, okay?” He took a deep breath.  “There’ve been rare times, since I left home, when I had dreams that day had gone differently. Those dreams always made me angry, because I’d learned nothing lasts. And dreams where you were still with me? Ridiculous. Painful. Stupid. You belonged to a part of my life that was over. But then you came back. As a soulmate. I didn’t want that. I thought you’d go away, like everyone else. I just had to wait. You didn’t, though. And the longer you were around, the more I wanted you to stay. Equally as much as I wanted you to leave. I really did think having you just as my friend was better. Fairer. To you. Until you made your suggestion, of something different. And I thought, if it could work, somehow, there might be a time in the future where I could believe you meant it. That you didn’t want to leave.” He broke off.</p>
<p>“I don’t. I would never. I <em>couldn’t</em>.” He took a step forward, but halted when Yeosang shook his head.</p>
<p>“Maybe. But then the song. And there being no other choice but to tell people. Soulmates don’t leave each other. Even if they wanted to, the belief in the perfection of a destined match is so strong, it’d be social and professional ruin. So many people want that gift of Fate, but for whatever reason, they don’t receive it. It’s why the stories are so…compelling. Why I knew it would work as a shield for us. But knowing soulmates can’t leave each other, how could I ever believe you <em>wanted</em> to stay? With something different, if you’d changed your mind, you could have left. Only our friends knew about the soulmate thing. They’d never have spoken of it. That interview you did with Mingi, for his mom? It would never have had your name attached to it. Or mine. You’d have been free to leave, without consequences, if you’d…if you’d wanted to. But now, you’re trapped. You say you mean it now, and maybe you do, and maybe you would, for a few years, but maybe the only reason you…couldn’t get over me, is because of how you remembered me. You could have left, at any time, if we hadn’t had to tell people. There wasn’t another choice, though. I’m sorry, Sani. I’m sorry you don’t have the freedom to leave, anymore.”</p>
<p>“No.” He stumbled forward, falling onto his knees at the side of the chair. “No, love. You’re so wrong. Never getting over you? Doesn’t come close. I love you. Leaving you means losing you and I can’t…I can’t do that again.”</p>
<p>“How can you…I’m so different. How could you love me?”</p>
<p>The despair in that question was unbearable.</p>
<p>“You aren’t as different as you think, Yeosang-ah. It’s more how you express yourself that’s changed. This system you’ve had, to expect nothing to last, it’s…self-defense. Emotional self-defense. If you were so very different, wouldn’t Wooyoung have accepted your rejection of him, like others had, whom you’d kept at a distance? He didn’t, because you trusted each other, cared for each other. When you shoved him away, and I get why, it ripped him to shreds. You’ve never trusted lightly, but when you do, you give so much. It still scares him. And Seonghwa-hyung. And Mingi. None of them want to lose you. If Yunho knew you like they do, he wouldn’t, either. And me? Oh, my love, me. Losing you back then made the world stop. When it started back up, nothing was the same. You were gone. Do you have any idea how desperate I was, last week, to convince you to give us a chance? To persuade you to choose to believe something <em>different</em> was possible? Leaving you isn’t something I can do. If you need space, tell me, I’ll step away, but leaving? No. My world doesn’t make sense without you.”</p>
<p>Yeosang</p>
<p>He didn’t know what to say. The only person he’d ever loved had been San. And then, after that day, he’d taught himself to forget it. But had he? Seven years ago, his absolute faith in love had broken apart, and with it, he’d lost any reason to fight against his family’s expectations. Instead…he’d created his own, hadn’t he? Expecting nothing to last. Who could win against that? No one. But maybe he hadn’t wanted them to.</p>
<p>He frowned, noticed the immediate change in the dark eyes watching him, and sighed.  </p>
<p>Then San came back. He hadn’t been as angry as he’d been, that day, in years. To be reminded of what could have been, to have that compounded by betrayal, and not to have been prepared at all for how that would feel. But San—and Wooyoung—hadn’t responded like everyone else. Nor, to a quieter degree, had Seonghwa. They hadn’t left. He kept telling himself they would, because almost everyone else had. The few he still talked to, he only spoke with on occasion. People did come and go, as a natural part of life. He’d thought everyone would always want to leave. Why would they stay? He could only offer so much, before the risk of rejection became too high.</p>
<p>“Yeosang—”</p>
<p>He stopped him with a finger against his lips, then let his hand slide down San’s neck in a brief caress.</p>
<p>He hadn’t disliked his life. It’d been confining, sometimes, but it’d been safe. Using his understanding of what to expect, or what not to, he’d had a lot of fun—knowing it was all to be enjoyed as it happened, and not to wish for more. But San, persistent, determined San, he’d made him hope again. Cautiously. Until yesterday, when he’d realized his small little dream that just <em>wouldn’t ever go away</em>…had been swallowed up by interfering Fate. If he was loved, though? That was different. The older he’d gotten, those infrequent dreams had him demanding an explanation, and them <em>talking</em>, instead of him recoiling from a rejection of all he’d fought for. That hadn’t been something he could have done then. Now?</p>
<p>He pushed the chair backwards and dropped to the floor, catching San’s hands to tug him down next to him. When he’d been tired, heartsick, and lonely, San had been there. He’d seen him at his most confident and his most lost, his angriest and his most defenseless, and everything in between. He <em>hadn’t</em> walked away. He’d wanted more. He’d wanted…all of it. Because he loved him.</p>
<p>He couldn’t quite picture a reversal of roles, but he’d bent and broken so many of his life’s rules to try to keep San near. He wouldn’t have done that for anyone else. Because having him around in some form was better than losing him, again. Given how he’d lived his life, that meant…he’d either not stopped loving him, either, just hidden it away, where he could ignore it. Or somehow, in less than a month, he’d fallen back in love, and refused to acknowledge it, because San would leave, and that would be…agony. The second option seemed more likely. Huh.</p>
<p>“Do you know why I originally tried for that middle ground with you?”</p>
<p>“Um. It’s the closest thing to semi-permanent you understood?”</p>
<p>“I guess that was part of it. Maybe I never mentioned the other reason? I wanted to know what it was like to sleep with someone I actually cared for. Since it’s not just sex itself I like, it’s giving pleasure. And it seems like it would be different, doing that for someone I cared about.”</p>
<p>“That…seems logical.”</p>
<p>“Wouldn’t it probably be even better, to give pleasure to someone I loved?”</p>
<p>San swallowed. “One would…assume so, yes.”</p>
<p>Yeosang leaned close, one hand gently tilting San’s face towards him, the other beginning a zig-zag pattern from one shoulder to the other, slowly tracing down.</p>
<p>“I really would love to spend hours with you, drawing out every moan, every gasp, every shudder. Like that, yes, but <em>more</em>. I’d love to watch you lose your words. I’d love to love you a hundred ways, Sani.” He paused, eyes flickering down and then back up. “Forever.”</p>
<p>“Yeosang…that’s…I love you, too. But I don’t…have any other clothes…with me.”</p>
<p>“It’s okay. Jeans are just…don’t even have to…take them off, see? I told you before. And other fabric can be pushed down. So can we throw away <em>this</em> rule?”</p>
<p>“I…oh, hell…yes. Consider it…like that…rule…was never…added.”</p>
<p>about one year later</p>
<p>“You know, earlier,” San said mildly, turning off the floor lamps in Yeosang’s bedroom. “Your neighbors are going to complain.”</p>
<p>Yeosang stretched his arms and made himself comfortable. His bed was so much better than San’s.</p>
<p>“When I first mentioned the idea, I did say I didn’t know if I’d be quieter or louder. Doesn’t matter, though. Movers show up day after tomorrow.”</p>
<p>He watched San slowly lie down and roll to his side, facing him. The small lamp on the table next to him was still on.</p>
<p>“I still can’t believe they actually did it. Buying us an apartment.”</p>
<p>“They were set on it.” He shrugged lightly. “It’s not a great commute for your last year of school.”</p>
<p>“I’m not complaining. Two bedrooms? I can make one just for music.”</p>
<p>He sounded so dreamy. It was sweet.</p>
<p>“And I can sleep peacefully in the other, when you’re staying up until 3:00 a.m. making said music.”</p>
<p>“Not all the time. You know, when I’m recording, or composing, I can’t play softly all the time. Some sound will come through the walls.”</p>
<p>“Won’t.” He said with amused anticipation. “Soundproofed.”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“Previous owner was a musician. Who played the cello.”</p>
<p>“How didn’t I know that? How didn’t I notice?”</p>
<p>“Dunno.”</p>
<p>“That’s awfully…”</p>
<p>“Coincidental?” He sighed. “No. Fate. Bright side, don’t have to worry about any neighbors complaining in the future.”</p>
<p>“Yeosang. That was <em>exhausting</em>.”</p>
<p>“Too exhausting to ever want to repeat it?”</p>
<p>San paused. “I didn’t say that.”</p>
<p>“Knew you’d like it. Really was impressed you managed for so long without needing the wall.”</p>
<p>“Stop. Stop talking about it. It was several hours ago and I’m too tired…we both need to sleep.”</p>
<p>“You brought it up.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, yeah, okay. Someday, I’ll learn.”</p>
<p>“I hope not. It’s so much fun.” He flashed him a wicked grin. “Love you, Sani.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Everyone, please be as safe/healthy/strong as you can!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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